Let's Talk About Sex, Baby (Without It Being Awkward)

Why is it that the people who are most comfortable being physically intimate often find it hardest to talk about what they want?

Sex is a major part of most romantic relationships. It's also one of the hardest things to discuss openly. We can share our bodies more easily than we can share our preferences, insecurities, and desires.

Part of this is cultural—we're not taught to talk about sex in specific, practical terms. Part of it is vulnerability—admitting what you want (or don't want) can feel exposing in a way that the act itself doesn't. And part of it is just habit. Once patterns are established, it feels awkward to suddenly start a meta-conversation about them.

But here's the thing: good sexual relationships require communication. What works changes over time. Bodies change. Desire fluctuates. The thing that was great five years ago might not work now, and there might be new things neither of you has tried that you'd enjoy.

Silence isn't neutral. It's a barrier.

How to start the conversation

Pick the right moment. Right before, during, or immediately after sex is usually not ideal—too much performance pressure. Try a neutral time: a lazy weekend morning, a quiet evening, a car trip. Somewhere you can talk without it leading directly to the bedroom.

Frame it positively. "I want to talk about what we could try" lands better than "we need to fix our sex life." Approach it as exploration, not criticism.

Start with what's working. Before diving into changes, acknowledge what you enjoy. It makes the conversation feel collaborative rather than corrective.

Be specific (eventually). "I want more intimacy" is a nice sentiment but hard to act on. "I really like it when..." or "I've been curious about..." gives your partner something concrete to work with.

Common awkward topics

Frequency. One person wants more, one wants less, and both feel bad about it. This is incredibly common. Talk about it. Understand each other's perspective. Find a middle ground that respects both people's needs.

Initiation. Who starts things? If it's always one person, that can create pressure on one side and feelings of rejection on the other. Discuss how you both feel about initiating—and how it feels when the answer is no.

What you actually like. Your partner isn't a mind reader. If there's something you want more of (or less of), tell them. Kindly. But tell them.

What you've been curious about. Sharing a fantasy or curiosity can feel risky. But relationships are the safest space to explore these things. Create room for "I've been wondering about..." without judgment.

When desire doesn't match

Mismatched libidos are one of the most common relationship challenges. There's no easy fix, but here's what helps:

• Don't take it personally. Desire is complex. Lower desire doesn't mean less love.
• Look at context. Stress, health, life stage, relationship dynamics—all affect desire. Sometimes the issue isn't the sex itself but everything around it.
• Expand the definition. Intimacy isn't only penetration. Physical closeness, touch, and connection matter too, and can bridge gaps when desire is mismatched.
• Keep talking. Mismatched desire that's discussed is workable. Mismatched desire that festers in silence becomes toxic.

The ongoing conversation

Talking about sex isn't a one-time thing. It's an ongoing negotiation that changes as you change. Check in periodically. What's good? What's shifted? What do you want more of?

It might feel awkward at first. That's normal. Keep going. The couples who can talk openly about sex are the ones who have the best sex.

And honestly? The conversation itself can be pretty intimate too.