The Holiday Hostage Situation

Where are we spending Christmas?

It's a question that has derailed more conversations than any other. And Easter. And Thanksgiving if you're American. And every other holiday that comes with family expectations.

The holiday hostage situation is real: two families with competing demands, limited time, and traditions that don't bend easily. Add travel, expense, and the emotional weight of "but we always do it this way," and you have a recipe for annual conflict.

Here's how to navigate it without losing your mind or your relationship.

The core tension

You're trying to satisfy two sets of family expectations with one shared life. That's mathematically difficult. Even if both families are lovely and reasonable (not a given), there's only so much time.

When one family gets more, the other feels slighted. When you try to do both, you exhaust yourselves. When you skip both for a quiet holiday alone, you might face guilt, pressure, or disappointment.

There's no perfect solution. But there are better and worse ways to manage.

Principles that help

Your relationship comes first. You and your partner are the core unit. Your families are important, but they're extended. Decisions about how to spend your time are yours to make together—not up to either family unilaterally.

Fair over time, not every time. You can't perfectly balance every holiday. But over years, things can even out. This Christmas with your family, next with theirs. Alternate years. Rotate. The specifics matter less than the principle of equitable distribution over time.

Own your own family. If there's pushback, the partner whose family it is should handle it. You tell your mum why you're not coming this year; they tell theirs. Don't make your partner be the bad guy with your family.

Question the assumptions. Does Christmas have to be exactly December 25th? Could you celebrate with one family a week early? Do you have to stay the whole time, or could you split the day? Sometimes flexibility creates options that weren't obvious.

Common patterns

The alternating model. Her family this year, his family next year. Simple, clear, roughly fair. Downside: someone always "misses" the holiday with their family.

The split model. Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with the other. Works if they're geographically close; exhausting if they're not.

The everyone-together model. Both families join one celebration. Works if they get along and logistics permit; can be overwhelming if not.

The independence model. You do your own thing as a couple; families visit on other days. Controversial but increasingly popular.

Managing expectations

The hardest part is often family expectations. "We've always been together for Christmas" carries a lot of emotional weight.

Be clear and early. Don't wait until November to announce you're not coming. Give people time to adjust. Explain the reasoning (without over-justifying).

And accept that some people won't be happy. You can be kind about it, but you can't make everyone satisfied. Prioritise your relationship and make peace with imperfection.

When it keeps being a fight

If holidays are consistently a source of conflict between you and your partner, something deeper might be at play. Is one person always giving in? Is there resentment about whose family gets priority? Are there in-law issues masquerading as logistics?

Address the underlying dynamic, not just the holiday question. Maybe you need clearer boundaries. Maybe one person needs to stand up to their family more. Maybe you need to accept that this is just hard, year after year.

One more option

Here's a radical idea: what if you decided together what your ideal holiday would be? Not defaulting to families' expectations, but actually asking: how do we want to spend this time? What would feel restorative and meaningful?

Maybe the answer is still "with family." Maybe it's "alone together somewhere new." Maybe it's "with friends instead." You get to decide. It's your holiday.