# Alcohol, drugs and gambling in a relationship

> Heavy drinking or drug use can strain a relationship and wear on the partner living with it. If your partner wants to change, stay calm, talk when they're sober, focus on how things affect you, and get support for yourself too.

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- **Heavy or problem use strains relationships:** it is linked with more strain and a higher chance of the relationship ending.
- **The partner is affected too:** stress, shame, low mood and pulling away from others are common.
- **Calm, blame-free talks work best:** pick a sober moment and say how things affect you.
- **Stopping safely can need medical help:** a doctor or alcohol service is the place to start.
- **Your own support counts:** peer groups and family programmes can help you, whatever your partner decides.

## How does a partner's drinking or drug use affect a relationship?

Heavy or problem use tends to put a relationship under strain, and it is linked with a higher chance that the relationship ends [1]. Among couples where a partner has had an alcohol use disorder, marriages ended more often (48% versus 30%), and alcohol or drug misuse was linked with a 1.62 times higher risk of later divorce [1]. This is about heavy or problem use, not an occasional drink.

These figures are links, not proof that substance use alone ends a relationship. People describing their own lives say there can be other reasons, and one person found the problems were still there after they stopped using [2].

Day to day, partners describe effects that are emotional, practical and social. One is slowly losing confidence in their partner's ability and willingness to be a partner and, where there are children, a parent [3]. Shame and stigma can change how partners see themselves and their relationship, and can lead to pulling back from friends [3]. When one partner uses regularly and the other doesn't, the relationship can suffer. Some people, looking back, felt that when they were high they couldn't relate to their partner or pay attention to their feelings [2].

The partner often pays a personal price: stress, depression and anxiety, and a lower quality of life, especially when the misuse is severe [3][1].

If you want to raise it, start with the concrete effects on the two of you, such as lost time together or missed plans, rather than judging the person.

## How do you support a partner who wants to change?

Support them calmly as a partner, without pressuring them, and look after yourself too. Family-training programmes that support the concerned partner, rather than pressuring the person with the addiction, are about twice as effective as comparison groups at getting that person into treatment [4]. Entry rates were highest where the partner got both individual and group sessions [4]. With gambling, family-led routes into treatment have had low success rates (12.5–23%), so don't be discouraged if progress is slow [4]. Involving family in gambling treatment is linked with better outcomes and better family functioning [5].

When you talk:

- **Choose your moment.** Pick a time when your partner isn't intoxicated or "coming down" [6].
- **Ask about feelings.** Ask how they are feeling rather than focusing on what they are doing, and use "I" statements to say how their use affects you [6].
- **Keep it positive.** Try "How about a few alcohol-free nights each week?" in place of "I wish you wouldn't drink every night" [7].
- **Notice small steps.** Acknowledge small positive changes, and keep your own boundaries.

If your partner drinks heavily and wants to stop, they should talk to a doctor or alcohol service first rather than going it alone. Detox on its own can be hard to sustain, and it tends to work better with counselling before, during and afterwards [6][8]. Severe withdrawal symptoms need urgent medical help: unusual restlessness, irritability or upset, confusion, seeing, hearing or feeling things that aren't there, and seizures. Call your local emergency number or go to emergency care, and ask someone else to drive them or call for an ambulance [8].

## Where can partners get support for themselves?

There are several routes, and you can take them whether or not your partner changes. One is a peer mutual-help group for relatives and friends of people who misuse alcohol or other substances [9]. Newcomers who kept attending over the first six months were more likely to report gains: learning how to handle problems caused by the drinker, and better well-being and functioning [10]. More intensive, sustained attendance seemed more helpful than dropping out early [10].

Structured family programmes can help too. Partners and family members showed marked psychological and physical improvements within six months, whichever of three programmes they joined [11].

For a starting point, ask a doctor or a local alcohol or drug service what is available for partners and families where you live. Help with drinking concerns comes from doctors, counselling and alcohol support services [12], and a doctor or alcohol support service is a sensible first stop if you're worried about someone else's drinking [8].

Treat your own support as worthwhile in its own right, not only as a way to help your partner. Living with a partner's substance use can bring its own stress, low mood and anxiety [3].

> **Try this together:** If your partner is open to it, set aside 10 minutes at a calm moment when you're both sober. Each of you names one concrete way things have affected you, using "I" statements, and one thing you'd both gain from a change. Then agree on one small next step, such as a few alcohol-free nights this week, and talk about it again next week.

## When to get more help

Living with a partner's substance use or gambling can be heavy to carry alone, and support is available.

If you're afraid of your partner, or they hurt, threaten, watch or control you, you don't have to deal with it alone: contact a local family or domestic violence service for confidential support, or call your local emergency number if you're in danger now.

Couples counselling isn't advised where there is abuse or fear: look for confidential individual support first. A partner may be able to see a shared phone, app or browser history, so consider looking for help on a device you trust.

For a worry about your mental, physical or sexual health, see a doctor.


## Common questions

### Can a relationship survive addiction?

Problem use is linked with a higher chance of a relationship ending, but it isn't the only reason relationships end, and it can't be said to cause a breakup on its own. What happens after recovery isn't clear yet. Calm talks about how things affect you both, and support for each of you, give you more to work with.

### How do I know if my partner's drinking or drug use is a problem?

Look at the effects rather than the amount: lost time together, missed plans, you feeling stressed or losing confidence in them, or pulling back from friends. If these keep building, take them seriously. Describe what you notice and how it affects you, rather than labelling your partner.


## Sources

1. Chapter 2—Influence of Substance Misuse on Families. National Institutes of Health https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/books/NBK571087/
2. Drugs and Alcohol (young people) - Relationships, drugs and alcohol. hexi.ox.ac.uk https://www.hexi.ox.ac.uk/drugs-and-alcohol/relationships-drugs-and-alcohol
3. "It's like being stuck on an unsafe and unpredictable rollercoaster": Experiencing substance use problems in a partner. Weimand and others · Nordisk Alkohol- & Narkotikatidskrift · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1177/1455072520904652
4. Community reinforcement and family training and rates of treatment entry: a systematic review. Archer and others · Addiction (Abingdon, England) · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1111/add.14901
5. Problem Gambling and Families: A Systematic Review. Kourgiantakis, Saint-Jacques and Tremblay · Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1080/1533256x.2013.838130
6. Concerned about a family member's substance use?. Queensland Government https://adis.health.qld.gov.au/sites/default/files/resource/file/20200622-WEB-OUTPUT.pdf
7. Alcohol Use: Conversation Starters. US Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships/alcohol-use-conversation-starters
8. Alcohol-use disorder. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-use-disorder/
9. Al-Anon Family Groups: Origins, Conceptual Basis, Outcomes, and Research Opportunities. Timko, Young and Moos · Journal of Groups in Addiction & Recovery · 2012 https://doi.org/10.1080/1556035x.2012.705713
10. Al-Anon newcomers: benefits of continuing attendance for six months. Timko, Laudet and Moos · The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse · 2016 https://doi.org/10.3109/00952990.2016.1148702
11. Community reinforcement and family training: an effective option to engage treatment-resistant substance-abusing individuals in treatment. Roozen, de Waart and van der Kroft · Addiction (Abingdon, England) · 2010 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1360-0443.2010.03016.x
12. Drink less alcohol. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/better-health/drink-less/

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/alcohol-drugs-and-gambling-in-a-relationship