# Becoming parents as a couple

> Many couples find satisfaction dips after a first baby, though some feel closer. Tiredness and an uneven workload tend to go with it. Talk and plan before the birth, share the nights and the chores as equals, and watch for low mood in either of you.

Not reviewed yet: test content.

- **Talk and plan before the birth:** share your worries, say what kind of relationship you both want, and agree who does what in the early days.
- **A dip in satisfaction is common, not universal:** some couples grow closer, others drift apart when they're worn out.
- **Tiredness and workload tend to travel with the dip,** so share sleep, housework and baby jobs as equals.
- **Make a little time for the two of you,** even if it's short.
- **Low mood and anxiety can affect either parent,** so keep an eye on both of you.

## How do you prepare your relationship for a baby?

Talk first, then plan. Health guidance puts talking to each other at the top of the list, and one way to do it is to take turns explaining how you feel without interrupting [1]. Share the joys and achievements as well as the doubts, worries and frustrations, and be curious about how your partner feels [2]. Both of you have things to process during a pregnancy, including worries about the future [2]. It also helps to talk about what kind of relationship you both want as parents [2].

Then get practical. Agree before the birth who will do what in the early days and how you'll cope together [1]. The plan is a shared one between equals, so neither of you is doing the other a favour. Expect it to need tweaking: once the baby arrives, the split can shift, so pencil in a check-in a few weeks after the birth and see how it feels to each of you.

One thing not to lean on is a childbirth class for partners. It hasn't been shown to protect the couple relationship [3], so it's no substitute for your own conversations. A class may well be useful for other reasons.

## Why does relationship satisfaction often dip after a baby?

Because a baby changes almost everything at once, and many couples feel it. Satisfaction tends to fall across the move to parenthood [4], and some estimates suggest nearly seven in ten couples see a sharp fall in romantic satisfaction and more conflict after a first child [5]. It isn't the same for everyone. Many couples find the relationship is enriched and becomes a great source of strength, while for others tiredness and stress make them distant and withdrawn [2]. A dip is common, not a sign that something is wrong with you as a couple.

Two things tend to go along with it. The first is sleep. In weeks three to eight after the birth, mothers and fathers have more disturbed sleep, lower sleep efficiency and more sleepiness than couples without children [6], and sleep loss is considered one contributor to the dip [4]. That's a link, not a proven cause. The second is workload. In highly educated dual-earner couples in the US, women's total work rose by about 3 hours a day across the transition to parenthood, compared with about 40 minutes a day for men, on average [7].

What to try: make regular time together as a couple without the baby, even if it's short [2]. Share sleep, housework and parenting tasks, and ask each other whether the split feels fair [2]. And be kind, especially when you're both tired.

## How do you share night feeds and sleep loss fairly?

Take turns, and agree the rota before you're too tired to negotiate. Health guidance suggests taking turns on night feeds with a partner or support person [8]. Plan together how you'll both get as much rest as you can, and accept that you may both get a bit snappy [1]. Nobody has ever won an argument at 3am, so a plan made in daylight helps.

Here are some ways to split it:

- **Formula feeding:** you can share the feeds [9].
- **Breastfeeding:** the other parent can take nappies or morning dressing so the feeding parent can go back to sleep [9].
- **Once breastfeeding is established:** the other parent could occasionally give a bottle of expressed milk at night [9]. A lactation consultant can talk you through expressing [8].

No one split has been shown to be best, so try one, see how you both feel, and swap if one of you is struggling. When the baby sleeps, rest can matter more than catching up on chores, and an alarm helps if you're worried about oversleeping [9]. Even lying down to read or listen to music can help your body recharge [8].

Sleep matters for more than mood: poor sleep after a birth is strongly linked with postnatal depression [10], so protecting both your rests is worth the effort.

> **Try this together:** Take 10 minutes this week. Each of you says one worry and one hope about life with a baby, taking turns without interrupting. Then agree a first draft of who does what in the early days, including a night rota and who rests when. Put a date in the diary for a check-in a few weeks after the birth to see whether it still works.

## What are the signs of postnatal depression in either parent?

The signs include low mood, finding it hard to enjoy anything, feeling hopeless or unable to cope, guilt or feeling worthless, anxiety or worrying all the time, restlessness or irritability, trouble concentrating or deciding, difficulty bonding with the baby, and poor sleep even when you have the chance to rest [11]. A sad, anxious or empty mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks is a common sign [12]. Those lists describe mothers. Most new parents have some of these feelings now and then; it's when they persist that it may be postnatal depression [13].

Depression and anxiety during pregnancy and after a baby arrives are common and treatable, and can affect either parent, including a partner who didn't give birth. Postnatal depression is more common in men who have been depressed before or whose partners are depressed [13].

What to try:

- Notice whether low mood, worry, irritability or poor sleep keeps going rather than coming and going, in yourself or your partner.
- Tell your partner what you've noticed, kindly and without blame, and encourage getting help from a doctor or other health professional.
- Don't assume it's only the parent who gave birth who can be affected.

## When to get more help

This is general information, not clinical advice.

For a worry about your mental, physical or sexual health, see a doctor.


## Common questions

### Is it normal to argue more after having a baby?

Plenty of couples snap at each other more for a while, especially when they're both exhausted. It's worth planning for rather than being surprised by it. Be kind when you're tired, pick a calm moment for the bigger conversations, and make up afterwards. Some couples find the baby brings them closer, so a rough patch isn't a verdict on you.

### How can we make time for each other with a newborn?

Aim for regular time as a couple without the baby, even if it's short. Half an hour of a walk or a meal together counts. If a trusted relative or friend can look after the baby for a while, say yes. Put it in the diary so it doesn't get lost.

### How can family and friends help in the early weeks?

Say yes when they offer. A relative or friend can come round and look after the baby while you nap, or stay for a few days so you get more sleep, which matters most if you're on your own. Tell them what would help most, whether that's a nap, a meal or an hour of baby-holding.


## Sources

1. Relationships In Pregnancy. NHS https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/pregnancy-early-days/having-a-baby/relationships-in-pregnancy/
2. Parenthood and your relationship. Better Health Channel · 2005 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/parenthood-and-your-relationship
3. Effects of prenatal childbirth education for partners of pregnant women on paternal postnatal mental health and couple relationship: A systematic review. Suto and others · Journal of Affective Disorders · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.12.025
4. Sleep disruption and decline in marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood. Medina, Lederhos and Lillis · Families, Systems & Health · 2009 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015762
5. Partners Now Parents: Supporting Couples During the Journey to Parenthood. Savell, Breeden and Emery · Family Process · 2025 https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.13097
6. Parents' Sleep Multi-Trajectory Modelling from 3 to 36 Months Postpartum in the SEPAGES Cohort. Kim and others · Nature and Science of Sleep · 2024 https://doi.org/10.2147/nss.s430024
7. The Production of Inequality: The Gender Division of Labor Across the Transition to Parenthood. Yavorsky, Kamp Dush and Schoppe-Sullivan · Journal of Marriage and the Family · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12189
8. Sleep tips for parents. NSW Government https://www.schn.health.nsw.gov.au/kids-health-hub/healthy-sleep-children/newborn-sleep/sleep-tips-parents
9. Sleep and tiredness after having a baby. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/baby/support-and-services/sleep-and-tiredness-after-having-a-baby/
10. Prevalence and correlates of perinatal depression. Al-Abri, Edge and Armitage · Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology · 2023 https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-022-02386-9
11. Postnatal depression. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/postnatal-depression/
12. Perinatal Depression. National Institutes of Health https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/perinatal-depression
13. Postnatal depression. Health New Zealand https://www.healthnz.govt.nz/health-topics/pregnancy-maternity/postnatal-depression

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/becoming-parents-as-a-couple