# Criticism, contempt and the other warning signs

> The "four horsemen" are four unhelpful ways of arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They're patterns to notice, not a verdict on your relationship. Try complaining about the specific problem without blaming your partner's character, and if you feel yourself shutting down, ask for a break instead of going silent.

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- **The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling:** handy names for the ways an argument goes sideways.
- **Contempt is the one to take most seriously:** it's the sign most strongly linked with later breakups.
- **Complain about the problem, not the person:** a gentle start-up says what you feel and what you need.
- **If you shut down, say so:** ask for a break of at least twenty minutes and agree to come back.
- **They're patterns to notice, not prophecies:** an off day doesn't doom anyone.

## What are the "four horsemen", and what does the research say?

The "four horsemen" are four unhelpful ways of handling conflict: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The name borrows from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the New Testament [1]. The habits themselves are far more ordinary than the name suggests.

- **Criticism** is a direct attack on your partner, and it isn't the same as complaining [2]. It goes after their character rather than the problem [1].
- **Contempt** goes further: it takes a position of moral superiority over your partner [1].
- **Defensiveness** is usually a reaction to criticism [2].
- **Stonewalling** is shutting down when you're overwhelmed [2].

Contempt is the horseman most strongly linked with later divorce, and the best-known predictions put their accuracy at 83% to 94% [3]. Those predictions have rarely been tested on new, independent groups of couples, and accuracy drops substantially when they are [3]. Wider research points the same general way: criticism and hostility go with dissatisfaction, and in some studies hostile disagreement goes with later declines in satisfaction [4]. Still, these are average patterns, and how strong they look depends on who was studied and how the conflict was set up [5].

So use the four names as a way to notice, not as a verdict. Pick out which one tends to turn up when a conversation goes badly, and talk about it when you're both calm. Being critical or defensive now and then doesn't mean a relationship is doomed.

## What can you do instead of criticising?

Complain without blame. A soft or gentle start-up is built on two questions: what do I feel, and what do I need? [1] Then stay on the specific problem rather than your partner's character [1]. "You're hopeless with the dishwasher" is criticism. "I feel stressed when the dishes pile up, and I need us to sort them before bed" is a complaint.

I-statements fit nicely. The format is "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___", and it lets you own your feelings while helping your partner see how things land for you [6].

A warm background helps a complaint land. Other suggested habits are focusing on what you love about each other, paying compliments, doing things you both enjoy, looking at things from your partner's point of view, and saying sorry when you're in the wrong [2].

Being direct isn't always better, though. Direct pushback tended to improve relationship quality when problems were serious, but lowered it when they were minor, where it can feel unnecessarily harsh [4]. It can also backfire with a partner who's low in mood or feels less able to respond [4]. So go gently on small things and save the firmer conversations for what really matters.

> **Try this together:** Each of you picks one small, recent niggle and spends five minutes turning it into "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___", adding one thing you need. Swap, read them out, and say thanks for the effort. Ten minutes, tops.

## What is stonewalling, and what helps?

Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws, shuts down and stops responding to their partner during conflict. It's described as a result of feeling flooded, so the person may not be able to talk things through rationally at that moment [1].

It matters because withdrawal, the "silent treatment", is linked with lower relationship satisfaction and wellbeing [7]. A pattern where one partner presses and the other pulls away is also moderately linked with poorer outcomes overall [8].

What helps, if you notice yourself shutting down:

- **Say so, rather than going quiet.** Stop the discussion and ask for a break [1].
- **Give it at least twenty minutes,** which is how long the body is said to take to calm down [1].
- **Come back once you feel ready,** and agree that you will [1].
- **If you can't think what to say, ask for time.** Try "I can't answer that right now" or "I'll let you know when I've had a chance to think about it" [6].

Intimacy may also help. In cohabiting couples, couples withdrew more after serious conflict, but the more intimacy they experienced, the less they withdrew [7]. Warm everyday closeness may make it easier to stay present when things get tense.

## When to get more help

Habits like these take practice, and some patterns are stubborn.

If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.

## Common questions

### What is the difference between complaining and criticising?

A complaint is about a specific problem: what happened and how it affected you. Criticism attacks your partner's character instead. "The bins didn't go out" is a complaint; "you never think about anyone else" is criticism. Saying what you feel and what you need keeps you on the complaint side.

### Is taking space during an argument the same as stonewalling?

Stonewalling is shutting down and going silent. The suggested alternative is to say you need a break, take at least twenty minutes to calm down, and agree to return to the conversation once you feel ready. Telling your partner what you're doing, and that you're coming back, is the key difference.

### Does the 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio really matter?

The idea is that lasting marriages show about five positive comments for every negative one during conflicts. It's an association, not a proven effect or a fixed target, so don't go counting. The useful takeaway is simpler: regular thanks, affection and respect give a complaint a warmer place to land.


## Sources

1. Activity 4: the break down, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. bromley.gov.uk https://www.bromley.gov.uk/downloads/file/2834/activity-4-the-break-down-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse
2. Getting on Better. fyi.bradford.gov.uk · 2023 https://fyi.bradford.gov.uk/media/zfrpgsvh/gob-card-5-better-communication.pdf
3. The science of romance – can we predict a breakup?. unsw.edu.au · 2014 https://www.unsw.edu.au/news/2014/05/the-science-of-romance-can-we-predict-a-breakup
4. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?. Overall and McNulty · Current Opinion in Psychology · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002
5. A two-dimensional approach to relationship conflict: meta-analytic findings. Woodin · Journal of Family Psychology · 2011 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023791
6. Assertiveness. warwick.ac.uk https://warwick.ac.uk/services/wss/topics/assertivecommunication/
7. Intimacy reduces withdrawal after conflict in cohabiting couples. Lu, Wilder and Prager · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 2025 https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251355074
8. A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes. Schrodt, Witt and Shimkowski · Communication Monographs · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/criticism-contempt-and-the-other-warning-signs