# Deciding whether to stay

> Wondering whether to stay is common, and feeling torn from one day to the next is part of weighing it up. If you disagree, a qualified counsellor can tell you about services designed for couples in that position. If you separate, keep conflict away from children.

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- **Doubts are common:** feeling torn from day to day is a normal part of weighing whether to stay.
- **One hard day isn't a verdict:** notice how often your doubts come and how strong they are.
- **Different wishes need their own kind of help:** if one of you wants to leave and the other doesn't, ask a qualified counsellor about services designed for that.
- **Conflict is what hurts children most:** keep it out of earshot and don't put them in the middle.

## Is it normal to wonder whether to stay?

Yes. Feeling unsure about a relationship, even from one day to the next, is a normal part of weighing whether to stay [1][2]. In dating couples, dips in commitment were common, and many couples recovered, at least over the short term [1].

If you feel torn, your feelings may swing more than other people's. People who felt more ambivalent had bigger day-to-day changes in commitment and in thoughts of breaking up. They felt more motivated to stay on days with more positive moments, and more motivated to leave on days with more negative ones [2][3]. So one hard day may not tell you much.

Two things you could notice:

- **How often the doubts come, and how strong they are.** In dating couples, frequent and intense doubts were more linked with breakup [1]. That isn't a guide to your own decision, but it's worth keeping an eye on.
- **Whether they follow good and bad days.** If they do, give it a little time before treating a low point as an answer.

If you're thinking about a short break to think, one idea is a week or two away, perhaps with a friend, mainly for reflection [4]. A break may give the person taking it some clarity, but it's likely to be stressful, unsettling and destabilising for their partner [4]. If you take one, think ahead about how you'll look after that side of it.

Doubts that come with fear are a different matter: see the last section.

## What helps when one of you wants to leave and the other doesn't?

It helps to treat it as its own situation, not as ordinary relationship work. Couples who differ in how committed they are are known to therapists as "mixed agenda" couples, and counsellors see them routinely [5]. A traditional couples therapy approach may miss chances to help them make a clear, deliberate decision about the future [5].

One option is to ask a qualified counsellor about services designed for couples in this position. Discernment counselling is described as helping a person decide whether to continue in the relationship or leave [6].

If you're the one who wants to stay, you don't have to carry it alone. Talk through your feelings with a friend, a family member or a counsellor. Even if it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do, talking to someone could help you find a way forward [7].

If you're the one who wants to leave, or who is unsure, remember how much your partner is carrying too. Be as honest and kind as you can, and take care over how you describe any time apart, because a break is likely to be hard on them [4].

Whichever of you you are, it can help to give each other room to say where you stand without trying to win the conversation.

## How do you separate with less harm, especially with children?

Keep conflict between you away from your children. Low conflict between parents is described as critical to children's wellbeing after separation or divorce, and conflict can harm children even where there is no abuse [8]. Being around conflict can hurt a child's self-worth and self-esteem [9]. Children of divorced parents who had collaborative co-parenting were linked with fewer psychological symptoms [10].

Some things to try:

- **Keep arguments out of earshot.** Don't argue where your children can hear, and don't speak negatively about their other parent where they can overhear [8].
- **Settle disagreements privately.** Use a phone call, email or text, and ask a counsellor, mediator or similar adviser to help if that doesn't work [8].
- **Don't put children in the middle.** No taking sides, carrying messages, judging or spying. It can be very upsetting and can damage their relationship with both parents [9].
- **Look after your own feelings first.** You're ready to help your child when you can shift your focus from your own feelings about what happened to your child's welfare [9].
- **Reassure only about what you can make happen,** ideally together with their other parent, and tell them they are not to blame [9].

Legal advisers, counsellors, mediators, parenting coordinators and parenting coaches can help separated parents find new ways to parent together [8]. If a child's behaviour changes, such as misbehaving at school or falling out with friends, it may be a sign they are finding it hard to express distress. Talking with them, and contacting a doctor, school counsellor or other health professional if needed, can help [9].

## When to get more help

Wondering whether to stay is one thing; being afraid is another. Being afraid of a partner, or being hurt, threatened, watched or controlled by them, isn't a normal relationship problem or a communication issue. It's abuse, and confidential support is available. Abuse is always about power and control. Questions worth asking yourself include whether you have ever felt afraid of your partner, changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what they might do, been isolated from family and friends, or had your money controlled or been denied enough for food and essentials [11].

If you're afraid of your partner, or they hurt, threaten, watch or control you, you don't have to deal with it alone: contact a local family or domestic violence service for confidential support, or call your local emergency number if you're in danger now.

Couples counselling isn't recommended where one partner is abusive or controlling, or where either partner is afraid. Confidential support for the person at risk is the safer first step. A partner may be able to see a shared phone, app or browser history, so consider looking for help on a device you trust.

If you're thinking about separating, a relationship counselling service near you can help you work out what's next, together or on your own.


## Common questions

### What is discernment counselling and how is it different from couples therapy?

Discernment counselling is described as helping a person make a sound decision about whether to continue in the relationship or leave. Couples counselling is described as helping partners understand their current issues and work towards the relationship they want. If you and your partner want different things, a qualified counsellor can explain which fits your situation.

### How do I tell my partner I'm having doubts?

One way is to choose a calm time with no rush, and talk about your own feelings rather than their faults: "I've been feeling unsure about us, and I want to be honest with you." Say what you do and don't know yet, and ask how they'd like to talk about it. It may be hard to hear, so give them time to take it in.


## Sources

1. Differentiating Declining Commitment and Breakup Using Commitment to Wed. Langlais and others · Journal of Family Studies · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2015.1120225
2. One foot out the door. pure.ed.ac.uk https://www.pure.ed.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/192431470/JoelEtal2021EJSPOneFootOutTheDoor.pdf
3. One foot out the door: Stay/leave ambivalence predicts day-to-day fluctuations in commitment and intentions to end the relationship. research.ed.ac.uk · 2021 https://www.research.ed.ac.uk/en/publications/one-foot-out-the-door-stayleave-ambivalence-predicts-day-to-day-f/
4. Breaking Up Rationally. Villiger and de Vries · The Journal of Ethics · 2025 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10892-024-09505-5
5. The Integration of Discernment Counseling and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment-Based Therapy with Mixed Agenda Couples. Edwards · Contemporary Family Therapy · 2021 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9
6. Family Services Directory. familyservices.govt.nz https://www.familyservices.govt.nz/directory/viewprovider.htm?cat1=68&cat2=877&id=26349&pageNumber=44&pageSize=10
7. Get help with low mood, sadness or depression. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/low-mood-sadness-depression/
8. Section 3: Parenting after separation—Focusing on your children - Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. Government of Canada · 2025 https://justice.canada.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p4.html
9. Supporting your child through divorce and separation. cafcass.gov.uk https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/my-family-involved-private-law-proceedings/resources-help-you-make-arrangements-are-your-childs-best-interests/supporting-your-child-through-divorce-and-separation
10. A Review of Studies Examining the Child’s Psychosocial Adjustment After Divorce and the Impact of Co-Parenting. Bezci and Kabasakal · International Journal of Social Science and Human Research · 2026 https://doi.org/10.47191/ijsshr/v9-i9-05
11. Getting help for domestic violence and abuse. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/deciding-whether-to-stay