# Different levels of desire

> Wanting different amounts of sex is common, and there's no 'normal' level to aim for. Couples often find talking and other kinds of closeness more helpful than ignoring a mismatch, and sex should only happen when it's wanted.

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- **Differing desire is common:** there's no right level of libido and no 'normal' number of times to have sex.
- **Desire moves around,** with stress, tiredness, life circumstances and how connected you feel.
- **Doing nothing about it usually doesn't help;** talking and doing something together tend to go better.
- **Closeness doesn't have to mean sex:** hugs, time alone and regular conversation all count.
- **Sex should only happen when both of you want it,** with no pressure or guilt.

## Is it normal to want sex more or less than your partner?

Yes. Wanting different amounts of sex is common, and there's no 'normal' level to measure yourselves against. About one in four men and women in a sexual relationship reported a mismatch in interest in sex between partners [1]. That figure is a rough guide and may look different where you live.

There's no right or wrong level of libido, and no 'normal' frequency of sex: some people want it every day, others once a year or not at all [2]. Libido varies a lot from person to person, depends on preferences and life circumstances, and goes up and down over time [2]. Changes in desire are especially common in long-term relationships [4].

Everyday life plays its part too. Lower desire is often linked to relationship issues, stress or tiredness [3]. So a quiet patch may say more about a heavy month than about the two of you.

Normal doesn't mean easy, though. Differences in desire are among the main reasons couples seek therapy, and they're described as an inevitable part of relationships that can be hard to navigate [5]. That's a good reason to talk about it early, kindly and without keeping score.

So try swapping "how much is normal?" for "what do each of us want, and what feels good to both of us?" That question has an answer that fits you two.

## How do couples handle different needs for intimacy?

Most do something, and the approaches that tend to be rated helpful involve both partners. Common ones are masturbation, a different sexual activity, talking, having sex despite lower desire, and doing nothing [5]. Doing nothing was usually rated unhelpful, while at least half of those who did something together, such as talking, having sex or another activity, found it very helpful [5]. These are what couples say helps, not proven fixes, so think of them as ideas to try.

A few things to try:

- **Talk about what's behind it,** for each of you, rather than letting it sit.
- **Build closeness that isn't sex.** Couples can increase intimacy and physical affection without having sex [2], such as hugs, cuddling and time alone.
- **Reserve time to talk each week.** Couples who do this, and who have regular time alone, are more likely to stay close and feel sexual interest [6]. Choosing a time before exhaustion sets in also helps [6].
- **Ask whether your interests have changed,** and whether there's something you could explore or expand together [4].
- **Check in rather than pressure.** Feelings about sex differ between people and change over time, so both of you should feel ready and comfortable [7].

Sex should only happen if you want it. No one should pressure, guilt or force a partner into sexual activity [8]. If one of you feels pressured, guilty or unsafe, that's a consent issue, not a desire difference to work around. Speak to someone you trust or a health professional.

> **Try this together:** Take 10 minutes somewhere that isn't the bedroom. Each of you says one thing that makes you feel close to the other that isn't sex, and one thing you'd like more of. Listen, say thank you, and don't try to decide anything yet.

## When to get more help

Low desire that comes with low mood, or that worries you, is worth raising with a doctor, because medical causes and some medications can contribute.

For a worry about your mental, physical or sexual health, see a doctor.

If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.


## Common questions

### What is spontaneous versus responsive desire?

Some people have a spontaneous libido: it doesn't take much for them to want sex. Others have a responsive libido and may only feel like sex when the situation feels right for them. Neither is better or wrong. Working out which of you is which can make a difference feel less personal.

### What if one of us feels rejected?

It's a very human feeling, and a difference in desire usually isn't a verdict on you or your partner. Try saying how you feel without blaming, and ask what's going on for them. Offering closeness in other ways, like a cuddle or time together, can help you both feel wanted while you talk it through.


## Sources

1. Sexual function in Britain: findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3). Mitchell and others · Lancet (London, England) · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1016/s0140-6736(13)62366-1
2. Libido. Better Health Channel · 2007 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/libido
3. Loss of libido. nidirect.gov.uk · 2018 https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/conditions/loss-libido
4. Understanding sexual desire and enjoyment. NHS https://www.sextherapylondon.nhs.uk/sexual-difficulties/our-self-help-booklets/increasing-enjoyment-sex/understanding-sexual-desire-and-enjoyment
5. Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships. Vowels and Mark · Archives of Sexual Behavior · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01640-y
6. Inhibited sexual desire. NHS https://www.leicspart.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/496-Inhibited-sexual-desire-2.pdf
7. A healthy sex life. NHS https://norfolkshop.nhs.uk/sexual-wellbeing/a-healthy-sex-life/
8. Loss of female libido. Healthdirect Australia https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/conditions/female-health/loss-of-female-libido

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/different-levels-of-desire