# End-of-life planning together

> Start with a calm, unhurried conversation, and expect to have several. Share what matters to each of you for future care, think about what you'd like to leave behind beyond money, and list your online accounts. Ask a qualified professional about wills and legal documents where you live.

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- **Start slowly:** a calm first conversation is a beginning, and you can plan to have several.
- **Advance care planning is a process, not just a form:** it means sharing what matters to you, and recording it if you wish.
- **Legacy is more than money:** the values, memories and words you want to leave can matter as much as property.
- **Your online life needs a plan too:** accounts and data can be lost or locked if nobody knows they exist.
- **Ask a qualified professional about the legal side:** rules for wills and documents differ from place to place.

## How do you start talking about the end of life?

Choose a time and place where you won't be disturbed, and open with a question that lets your partner say how they feel [1]. Pick a moment when you both have time, space and full attention; important conversations are no easier when you're rushed or distracted [2]. A question such as "Do you think we should talk about the future?" leaves them free to decide whether to talk, and what to raise [2].

Don't try to cover everything at once. Take it slowly, respond to what your partner wants to talk about, and plan to talk several times [2][3]. There is no right or wrong way to begin, and different approaches work for different people [1].

The tone you take matters. Gentle, indirect openers suit raising the subject sensitively. More direct questions, such as "what if" ones, tend to work better once a decision is close and talk needs more encouragement [4]. This advice comes mostly from health settings and from pages written for people living with illness and their carers, so use it as a starting point rather than a script.

Strong feelings are normal here. Tears, anger or even laughter can all come up [1].

## What is advance care planning?

Advance care planning is an ongoing process in which an adult, at any age or stage of health, thinks about and shares their values, life goals and preferences for future medical care, and can record them if they wish [5]. It covers broad values, such as comfort, independence and dignity, as well as specific treatments [5].

It is more than writing a document. Many people think it means only creating a written advance directive, but it also means telling family or friends what you value and want [7]. Both conversations and documentation matter: recording your wishes helps make sure care matches them [5], and approaches that included communication, not just paperwork, were linked with a better match between preferences and the care delivered [6]. Where it's appropriate, preparing the person who might speak for you is a key part [5].

Because it's a process, expect to come back to it. Your wishes can be revisited over time, especially when health or circumstances change [5].

The documents involved, and what they are called, differ by country. Your health service or a qualified adviser can explain what applies where you live.

> **Try this together:** Set aside 10 minutes. Each of you writes down what matters most to you for future care (comfort, independence and dignity are good starting points) and one thing you'd want the other to know. Swap the notes and talk them through, and agree when to pick it up again.

## How do you talk about legacy and what you'll leave behind?

Legacy can go well beyond money or property. An "ethical will" is a non-legal way to share your values, beliefs, life lessons, love and hope for the future, in any format [8]. People often write one to be remembered, to clarify life's meaning and to say what matters most, and it is often described as a gift to both writer and reader [8].

To open the conversation, choose a prompt or two and take turns answering. Topics might include how you'd like to be remembered, funeral wishes and arrangements for any dependents [2]. If speaking feels overwhelming, say so and suggest talking again another time, or write a letter, make a video or fill a memory box instead [1]. No set format is needed [8].

Decide together whether you'd share what you write while you're both alive or keep it for later. Some advice recommends sharing while alive, and some writers prefer to share after their death [8].

Keep it kind. A legacy letter can hurt the person reading it if it's written to punish or control, or to reopen family feuds, especially if it can only be read after you've died [8].

Who receives what is a question for a qualified adviser, who can explain how wills work where you live.

## What happens to your accounts and data when you die?

It depends on the provider and on the law where you live. Without a plan, digital records may not be discovered for a long time, or at all [9]. Some providers give an account's content to authorised persons, some won't disclose it even to family, and some close accounts after a period of inactivity [9]. The law is far less clear than for physical property, and it is still evolving [9].

There is more at stake than you might expect. Digital assets can have financial value, such as online payment accounts and loyalty points, or sentimental value, such as personal emails and photos [9]. After a sudden death, heirs may not know what accounts existed, and the assets can be lost [12]. Many people don't record which services they use in a will or with their solicitor [10].

Some steps to take:

- **List your accounts.** Make a list of your digital records and online accounts, and make sure your executor has it or knows where to find it [9].
- **Tell each other.** Ask whether your loved ones know which accounts you have and how to reach them if you die [11].
- **Think about privacy.** Decide whether you want family reading your personal emails, or would rather some things stay private [9].
- **Put your wishes in a will.** Consult a professional will-maker, because there are many legal rules on how wills are interpreted [9].

After a death, cancelling or transferring a service needs the death certificate. It is usually done by the next of kin, spouse or executor, and the process differs from one service to the next [10].

## When to get more help

Wills, estates and what happens to money and property can depend on where you live.

This is general information, not financial advice: for decisions about your own situation, talk to a qualified financial adviser or a free financial counselling service.


## Common questions

### What if my partner doesn't want to talk about death?

Partners often differ in how much they want to talk about this. If your partner changes the subject or says "not now", acknowledge it and suggest another time rather than pushing past it. You can say what would help you, for example "It would help me if we could talk about this. How do you feel about that?"

### How often should we revisit our plans?

Advance care planning is an ongoing process, not a one-off task. Come back to your wishes over time, and especially when health or circumstances change. Many couples find a gentle check-in works better than a big annual conversation. Your list of online accounts also needs updating whenever you open or close one.


## Sources

1. Starting to talk about your illness. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/end-of-life-care/your-wellbeing/starting-to-talk-about-your-illness/
2. Talking about death, dying and grief. NHS · 2025 https://www.bdct.nhs.uk/talking-about-death-dying-and-grief/
3. Communicating as a Caregiver. National Institutes of Health https://www.ninr.nih.gov/sites/default/files/docs/CommunicatingTipSheetFinal.pdf
4. How to communicate with patients about future illness progression and end of life: a systematic review. Parry, Land and Seymour · BMJ Supportive & Palliative Care · 2014 https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjspcare-2014-000649
5. Defining Advance Care Planning for Adults: A Consensus Definition From a Multidisciplinary Delphi Panel. Sudore and others · Journal of Pain and Symptom Management · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2016.12.331
6. Efficacy of advance care planning: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Houben and others · Journal of the American Medical Directors Association · 2014 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jamda.2014.01.008
7. Exploring patient-reported barriers to advance care planning in family practice. Bernard and others · BMC Family Practice · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12875-020-01167-0
8. Leaving a lasting legacy: A scoping review of ethical wills. Neller and others · Palliative & Supportive Care · 2023 https://doi.org/10.1017/s1478951522000451
9. Wrapping up a life online. NSW Government · 2024 https://www.nsw.gov.au/departments-and-agencies/trustee-guardian/news-stories/wrapping-up-a-life-online
10. Cancel or transfer services after a death. NSW Government · 2025 https://www.nsw.gov.au/family-and-relationships/deaths/after-a-death/cancel-or-transfer-services
11. End of life care. Newham Council https://www.newham.gov.uk/health-adult-social-care/palliative-end-life-care/2
12. Sustaining Digital Assets Through Mobile Estate Planning. Katuk and others · An-Najah University Journal for Research - B (Humanities) · 2024 https://doi.org/10.35552/0247.38.6.2218

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/end-of-life-planning-together