# Grief and loss as a couple

> Partners often grieve differently, at different paces and in different ways, and that is common rather than a sign something is wrong. Be honest about how you feel, listen to what each of you needs, and cope with the loss together rather than hiding your grief to protect each other.

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- **Grief is individual:** each of you has your own pace, your own feelings and your own way of showing them.
- **Different grief is common:** partners often grieve in different ways and at different times.
- **Hiding your grief to protect your partner tends to backfire:** being honest about how you feel is kinder in the long run.
- **Cope together where you can:** listening, taking turns caring for each other and saying what you need all help.
- **Support from outside the two of you is fine:** family, friends or a counsellor can share the load.

## Why do partners grieve differently?

Grief is a very individual experience, and it can be hard to predict how you will feel [1]. Feelings don't come in a set order. A feeling can return after you thought it was over, and some people never have some of them at all [2]. Culture, personality and gender are among the things that shape how someone grieves [3].

You also affect each other. Grief happens in a social setting, so partners are likely to influence each other's grieving [4]. When you share a loss, you may be dealing with different issues at different times, in different styles. That is far more common than grieving in step, and it can add pain when each of you expects the other to grieve the way you do [5].

On average, women tend to show more of an intuitive style of grieving and men a more instrumental one, though not always. This may largely reflect social and cultural expectations rather than innate differences [6]. After a miscarriage, men on average cried less and felt less need to talk about it, though they did grieve [7]. After a pregnancy was ended because of a fetal abnormality, women whose grief didn't match their partner's tended to have higher grief scores [8]. Most of what is known about couples comes from pregnancy loss and bereaved parents, so take what fits you and leave the rest.

So don't assume your partner's grief should look like yours. Ask how they are doing and what they need, and say what you need. Let each of you grieve at your own pace.

## How do you support each other through a loss?

By being honest with each other and facing the loss as a team. It's natural to want to shield your partner, but among bereaved parents, holding in grief for a partner's sake tended to backfire. One partner doing it was linked to more grief in both of them [4].

Coping with the loss together is the better-supported alternative. Couples who cope with a shared stress together tend to be more satisfied in their relationship, and coping together has been reported to help couples work through grief [9].

A few ways to do that:

- **Share your thoughts and feelings, and listen to each other's needs.** Your needs may be different [10].
- **Take turns caring for each other,** so it isn't all on one person. Some bereaved parents found that being open about how they felt helped them stay close [11].
- **Make time to listen** when your partner wants to talk [11].
- **Be honest if you need a break.** "I don't want to talk about it right now. Let's talk later" is fair, as long as you do come back to it [11].
- **Look beyond the two of you.** If one of you wants to talk more than the other, family, friends or a counsellor can offer that person more support [11].

> **Try this together:** Set aside 10 minutes this week, somewhere quiet. Each of you says how you're doing, and one thing you need from the other. Then agree on a simple way to say "not now, but later", so a pause never feels like a rejection.

## When to get more help

Grief has no deadline, and asking for support is a strength.

If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.


## Common questions

### Is it normal for one of us to cry a lot while the other doesn't?

Yes, it's common. Each person grieves in their own way, and partners often show their grief differently or at different times. Not crying doesn't mean someone isn't grieving. Rather than judging the difference, ask each other how you're really doing and what would help right now.

### Should we try to hide our grief to protect each other?

It's best not to. Among bereaved parents, holding in grief to protect a partner tended to backfire and was linked to more grief for both. Sharing what you feel, even when it's hard, lets you support each other. You can still choose a good moment to talk.

### How do we talk about the loss when one of us doesn't want to?

Be honest about it. Something like "I don't want to talk right now, let's talk later" is fair, and it helps to name a time to come back. If one of you needs to talk more than the other, that person could also lean on family, friends or a counsellor.

### How long does grief usually last?

There's no set timetable. Each person moves at their own pace, feelings don't come in a fixed order, and some can return after you thought they'd passed. You and your partner may be in different places at the same moment. That's common, and it doesn't mean either of you is doing it wrong.


## Sources

1. Bereavement support - Knowledge NoW. NHS · 2025 https://nwknowledgenow.nhs.uk/content/bereavement-support/
2. Bereavement. Royal College of Psychiatrists https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/bereavement
3. Investigating adaptive grieving styles: a Delphi study. Doughty · Death Studies · 2009 https://doi.org/10.1080/07481180902805715
4. Partner-oriented self-regulation among bereaved parents: the costs of holding in grief for the partner's sake. Stroebe and others · Psychological Science · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612457383
5. “We've had the same loss, why don't we have the same grief?” loss and differential grief in families. Gilbert · Death Studies · 1996 https://doi.org/10.1080/07481189608252781
6. Palliative care: People grieve in different ways. NSW Government https://www.schn.health.nsw.gov.au/palliative-care-and-bereavement-handbook/grief/different-ways
7. Similarities and differences in couples' grief reactions following a miscarriage: results from a longitudinal study. Beutel and others · Journal of Psychosomatic Research · 1996 https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-3999(95)00520-x
8. Grief following termination of pregnancy for fetal abnormality: does marital intimacy foster short-term couple congruence?. Nazaré, Fonseca and Canavarro · Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology · 2012 https://doi.org/10.1080/02646838.2012.693154
9. Dyadic Coping in Couples: A Conceptual Integration and a Review of the Empirical Literature. Falconier and Kuhn · Frontiers in Psychology · 2019 https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00571
10. Partners. NSW Government https://bearcottage.schn.health.nsw.gov.au/bereavement/grief-and-family/partners
11. Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy - The impact of losing a baby on the relationship with a partner. hexi.ox.ac.uk https://hexi.ox.ac.uk/losing-baby-20-24-weeks-pregnancy/the-impact-of-losing-a-baby-on-the-relationship-with-a-partner

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/grief-and-loss-as-a-couple