# Growing together or apart

> Most couples don't drift apart in a steady slide; dips tend to follow stress and strained communication. Changing, even at different speeds, isn't a bad sign if you share it early and handle it as a team. Space helps when you reassure each other, and hard times can bring you closer.

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- **Drifting apart isn't the default:** for most couples satisfaction stays fairly steady, and dips tend to follow stress and strained communication.
- **Changing isn't a warning sign by itself:** how you handle the change together matters more than the change.
- **Share early and at your own pace:** regular, uninterrupted talking beats waiting for the gap to show.
- **Space works best with reassurance:** say when you'll be back, and keep your own friends and interests.
- **Hard times can bring you closer,** but they don't do it automatically.

## Why do some couples grow apart?

Not usually through a slow, steady slide. For most couples, satisfaction stays fairly stable for long periods, and even stably happy couples sometimes separate, so quietly drifting is only one route to a split [1]. What tends to go along with dips is stress and strained communication. In newlywed couples, satisfaction moved up and down with changes in stress and communication, and it tended to dip when a couple was less warm or more hostile than their own usual [2]. These links are modest, and they don't prove that one thing causes the other [2].

Busy lives do their own quiet damage. In families of emergency first responders, couple time was squeezed when a partner came home worn out from long, draining shifts [3]. Two people running on fumes tend to hand each other the leftovers of the day.

Two things are worth knowing. Feeling distant during a stressful patch doesn't mean your relationship is failing [4]. But arguments that keep coming back without ever being settled are an early sign that a relationship needs support [5]. So raise them early, at a calm moment, rather than letting them pile up.

## What if you're changing at different speeds?

That doesn't automatically spell trouble. People grow and change over time, which can bring different opinions or expectations, and those differences don't always mean a relationship is unhealthy [6]. Relationships are shaped by life events and personal development, and open communication, sharing feelings and concerns, can help you work through changes together [7].

A few ways to make that real:

- **Say it early.** Mention the new interest, the doubt or the goal before the gap shows.
- **Treat the difference as a shared problem,** not one person's fault.
- **Go gently.** Affection and softening can help when a partner would otherwise get defensive; it has been linked with less anger and withdrawal from partners who tend to pull away during conflict [8].

If you're the one being asked to change something, how you take the request matters. Among couples where one partner was asked to change, the partner who looked at the request in a fresh light, rather than simply holding their reaction in, was linked with better outcomes as rated by both partners [9]. That's a link, not a promise, but it's a useful thing to try.

## How do you share what you're learning about yourself?

Speak openly about how you feel, and listen in return. Respecting and supporting each other and having open, honest conversations are key ingredients of healthy relationships [10], and people who speak openly, listen carefully and work through things together often feel more satisfied [6].

Some ways in:

- **Set aside regular time** to talk without interruptions, and check in often. Regular check-ins make challenges easier to manage before they build up [10].
- **Write it down** in a message or letter if saying it out loud feels hard.
- **Start with "I" statements** about your own feelings: "I've been feeling restless at work" lands softer than "You never ask about me."
- **When your partner shares,** repeat back what you heard or ask for more detail [10].

You don't have to hand over everything at once. When it comes to sexuality, people tend to want to share the important parts with a partner while keeping some privacy, and they weigh up the benefits and costs first [11]. Sharing at your own pace is fine, and a half-formed thought can be shared as a half-formed thought.

> **Try this together:** Spend 10 minutes, five each. Finish the sentence "Something I've been thinking about lately is…" and add "One thing that would help while I work it out is…". The listener repeats back what they heard and asks one question before replying.

## How much space does a partner need to work things through?

There's no set amount, and no best length of time has been shown. Personal space was experienced as helping people steady their feelings and keep hold of their sense of self, while also needing some reassurance from the partner [12]. So space works best with a note attached: "I need an hour, and I'm still on your side."

If a conversation is getting heated, take time out and talk again when everyone is calmer [10]. Agree when you'll come back to it, so a pause doesn't turn into a silence.

Space isn't the same as pulling away. When one partner keeps pushing and the other keeps retreating, that pattern is linked with worse outcomes, whichever of you is which [13]. That said, pulling back can be a sensible response for lower-income couples with fewer options and resources [1].

Keeping your own interests and friends helps too. Spouses of paramedics found that developing independent interests and friends reduced their sense of dependence and isolation [3].

## Can hard times make a relationship stronger?

Sometimes, but it isn't guaranteed. During the pandemic, some couples renegotiated and rebuilt their relationship and created new rituals of care [14]. Stress can corrode or strengthen a relationship, depending on the resources a couple has and how they see the situation [14]. Yet in the early months of the pandemic, couples' satisfaction on average didn't change despite hard experiences [15], so don't count on a silver lining.

What seems to help is facing it as a team. Couples who said they were coping well together showed small increases in satisfaction [15], and positive ways of coping together predicted satisfaction more strongly than negative ones [16]. The gains were small, but they add up.

Try small, specific rituals of care that suit the two of you: a cup of something warm at the end of the day, or a walk with phones left behind. Plan and prioritise your time so work and home demands don't crowd each other out.

Long-running, severe hardship, such as heavy money pressure, can be more than good communication can fix [15]. Looking for practical and professional support alongside working on your relationship is a reasonable thing to do.

## When to get more help

Plenty of couples find their own way through changes. If you'd like a hand, these may help.

If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.

If you're thinking about separating, a relationship counselling service near you can help you work out what's next, together or on your own.


## Common questions

### Is it normal to feel distant from your partner sometimes?

Yes. Stress changes how people think, feel and respond to each other, so a distant patch during a busy or worrying time is common and doesn't mean your relationship is failing. Notice it, say so kindly, and make a little room to talk and do something together.

### How do we reconnect after a busy or stressful period?

Start small. Set aside time to talk without interruptions, and make it a regular check-in rather than a one-off. Add a little leisure time together and a small ritual of care, like a shared meal or a short walk. Listen first, and repeat back what you hear.

### How do we talk about a difference without it turning into an argument?

Pick a calm moment and start with "I" statements about your own feelings, such as "I feel upset when…". Listen by repeating back what your partner says. If it heats up, take a break and agree to return to it when you're both calmer. Treat the difference as a problem you share.


## Sources

1. Research on Marital Satisfaction and Stability in the 2010s: Challenging Conventional Wisdom. Karney and Bradbury · Journal of Marriage and the Family · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12635
2. When poor communication does and does not matter: The moderating role of stress. Nguyen, Karney and Bradbury · Journal of Family Psychology · 2020 https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000643
3. Experiences and perceptions of family members of emergency first responders with post-traumatic stress disorder: a qualitative systematic review. May and others · JBI Evidence Synthesis · 2023 https://doi.org/10.11124/jbies-21-00433
4. Relationships and mental health. Beyond Blue https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/relationships
5. Relationship support services. Better Health Channel https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/relationship-support-services
6. Building and maintaining healthy relationships. Healthdirect Australia · 2026 https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
7. Relationship changes. NHS https://www.rightdecisions.scot.nhs.uk/ggc-sexual-health-supporting-adult-service-users-with-relationships-sexual-health-and-sexual-wellbeing/healthy-relationships/relationship-changes/
8. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?. Overall and McNulty · Current Opinion in Psychology · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002
9. When We're Asked to Change: The Role of Suppression and Reappraisal in Partner Change Outcomes. Sisson and others · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 2022 https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221078881
10. Maintaining healthy relationships and mental wellbeing. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/
11. Meta-Analyzing People's Self-Disclosure of Sexual Information to Romantic Partners. Knowles and Hammond · Journal of Sex Research · 2026 https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2455543
12. Holding Space Within Love: Personal Space, Selfhood, and Intimacy in Romantic Relationships. Nandyal · International Journal For Multidisciplinary Research · 2026 https://doi.org/10.36948/ijfmr.2026.v08i04.85738
13. A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes. Schrodt, Witt and Shimkowski · Communication Monographs · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632
14. Couples and parenting dynamics during Covid-19 pandemic: A systematic review of the literature. Sentieiro and others · PloS One · 2025 https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0315417
15. Implications of social isolation, separation, and loss during the COVID-19 pandemic for couples' relationships. Pietromonaco and Overall · Current Opinion in Psychology · 2022 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2021.07.014
16. Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Falconier and others · Clinical Psychology Review · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/growing-together-or-apart