# Having difficult conversations

> Start gently, and say what you feel and need rather than listing what your partner did wrong. Choose a private, unhurried moment when neither of you is tired, rushed or angry. If things heat up, take a break and come back when you're both calmer.

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- **Start gently:** say what you feel and need, not a list of what your partner got wrong.
- **How direct to be depends:** head-on suits serious problems your partner can fix; a softer touch suits minor ones, or a partner who'd get defensive.
- **Timing matters:** aim for private and unhurried, with neither of you tired, stressed or angry.
- **A break isn't a way out:** calm down, then come back to it.

## How do you raise something difficult with your partner?

Start gently, say what you feel and need, and let your partner answer. How direct to be depends on the issue. Raising a problem head-on tends to work best when it's serious and your partner is able, or feels able, to change it [1]. It can backfire when the issue is minor, because it can feel harsh and leave your partner feeling put down [1]. And if your partner would probably get defensive, a softer, affectionate approach can be the better bet [1].

So before you start, ask yourself two quick questions: how big is this, and can my partner actually do something about it?

Then a few things help:

- **Open gently.** Going on the attack rarely achieves a positive outcome [2].
- **Use "I" statements.** "I feel…", "I need…" and "I want…" say what's going on for you and take responsibility for your own feelings, without a charge sheet of their faults [3].
- **Leave room for their reply.** Listen, and show you understand their point of view [4].

There's no perfect script, and no one-size-fits-all answer [1]. You're allowed to be a bit clumsy. The sock on the floor can wait until you've found your words.

## When is a bad time to bring something up?

A bad time is when you're tired, stressed, rushed or short of privacy, or in the middle of an argument. Guidance on difficult talks suggests steering clear of them when either of you is tired or stressed, when you've been drinking or using drugs, or during an argument [5]. It also suggests a time when you won't feel rushed and will have plenty of privacy [5]. For talks about sex, the advice is to avoid bed and the time just before or after sex [5]. A quiet evening may suit better than the middle of a busy morning [4].

If you're really angry, be ready to take time out and calm down before you raise it [3]. The same goes if it's hard to talk calmly: pause, and talk again when you're both feeling calmer [6].

It also helps to ask yourself whether the issue needs action now. If it doesn't, you can watch how it develops over time [7]. But don't park it forever. Wanting to avoid hard conversations is common, and avoiding them can lead to stress, resentment and a bigger conflict that's harder to sort out [7].

If saying it out loud feels too hard, try setting aside a regular time to talk, or write down how you feel in a message or letter [6].

## How do you talk well when you're both stressed?

Calm down first, then talk. If a conversation turns heated, take a break and come back when you're both calmer [3][6]. Settling back to an even keel tends to put couples in a better position to solve problems creatively, understand each other's side and respond to each other's attempts to repair things [8]. Partners can also help calm each other down [8]. You don't have to hide every negative feeling: what matters is how you respond to it and how long you stay stuck in it [8].

Handling stress as a team seems to help too. Couples who support each other under stress tend to be more satisfied, and positive forms of support are linked with satisfaction more strongly than negative ones [9]. Couples who cope with stress in hostile or ambivalent ways report more destructive communication and conflict resolution, and more dissatisfaction [10]. A simple pattern is: one of you says they're stressed, the other notices and responds, and then you work out what to do together [10].

If your partner gets upset, give them time to settle, and be willing to pause or offer sympathy [7]. Staying calm yourself makes it easier to manage your own emotions [7].

> **Try this together:** Pick one small, low-stakes thing that's been nagging at one of you, and set aside 10 minutes in a private, unhurried moment. The person raising it starts with "I feel… and I need…". The other listens and says back what they heard before replying. Agree a pause word beforehand, so either of you can call a break without it being a big deal.


## Common questions

### What if my partner gets defensive when I raise a problem?

A softer, affectionate approach can work better with a partner who tends to get defensive. Open gently, say how you feel rather than what they did wrong, and leave room for their view. If things heat up, take a break and return to it when you're both calmer. Save the head-on approach for serious problems they can actually change.

### Is it okay to bring up a problem by text or in a letter?

If saying it out loud feels too difficult, writing down how you feel in a message or letter is one option. Some couples also like to set aside a regular time to talk, so hard topics have a place to land. Keep the same gentle tone you'd use in person.

### What if I avoid hard conversations because I'm afraid of a fight?

That's common, and you're not alone. Avoiding them for good can lead to stress, resentment and a bigger conflict that's harder to sort out. It can help to pick a calm, private moment, open gently with an "I feel" statement, and agree that either of you can pause if it gets heated.


## Sources

1. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?. Overall and McNulty · Current Opinion in Psychology · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002
2. Relationships - tips for success. Better Health Channel · 2005 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-tips-for-success
3. Relationships and communication. Better Health Channel · 2001 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
4. Things to do to help you get on better. fid.bcpcouncil.gov.uk https://www.fid.bcpcouncil.gov.uk/online-family-hub/information/family-hubs-early-help-and-outreach-centres/healthy-relationships-getting-on-better/things-to-do-to-help-you-get-on-better
5. Communicating with partners. NHS https://www.sextherapylondon.nhs.uk/sexual-difficulties/our-self-help-booklets/difficulties-vaginal-penetration/communicating-partners
6. Maintaining healthy relationships and mental wellbeing. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/
7. Handling Difficult Conversations Toolkit. NHS https://www.uhsussex.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Difficult-Conversation-June-23.pdf
8. Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: more than a wives' tale. Bloch, Haase and Levenson · Emotion (Washington, D.C.) · 2014 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
9. Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Falconier and others · Clinical Psychology Review · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002
10. Dyadic Coping in Couples: A Conceptual Integration and a Review of the Empirical Literature. Falconier and Kuhn · Frontiers in Psychology · 2019 https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00571

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/having-difficult-conversations