# Healthy relationship or controlling behaviour?

> A healthy relationship feels safe: you can disagree or raise a problem without fear of how your partner will react. Control is different: a pattern of monitoring, isolating or restricting someone, which can happen without any violence. If you're afraid of your partner, confidential specialist support is available.

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- **A healthy relationship feels safe:** you can disagree or raise a problem without being scared of how your partner will react.
- **Control is a pattern, not a single row:** ongoing monitoring, isolating and restricting is different from a heated argument.
- **Coercive control can happen without any physical violence,** and it is a form of abuse.
- **Jealousy is a feeling; the concern is what's done with it,** such as checking, tracking or restricting.
- **Fear of a partner is a safety matter, not a communication problem,** and confidential support is available.

## What are the signs of a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship feels safe, kind and supportive: you trust and respect each other and can speak honestly, even when you don't agree [1]. Ordinary ups and downs and differing opinions are normal.

Some signs to look for:

- **You can raise a problem without fear.** No one makes threats about what will happen if they don't get their way [2].
- **Differences are respected.** You value each other's opinions even when they differ, and you support each other's ambitions [3].
- **Effort is equal.** Both of you put in the same effort, and neither person's needs count for more than the other's [2].
- **You have time together and apart.** You enjoy both, alone or with friends and family, and you support each other's hobbies, interests and other relationships [2].
- **Talking is open and calm.** Each of you listens, shows empathy and isn't defensive, and you feel respected, never threatened [4].
- **Sex is by mutual wish.** Sexual contact happens only when both people want it [3].

Don't use this list as a score. Subtle controlling behaviour can be hard to spot, and behaviour that has become normal may not look like abuse. Control, manipulation, abuse or violence are never part of a healthy relationship, however normal they feel.

A simple check: can you disagree with your partner, or bring up a problem, without being scared of how they'll react? If the answer is no, or you're unsure, take that seriously.

## What is coercive control?

Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of domination, intimidation, isolation and control used to keep power over another person [5]. It is a form of family and domestic violence, and it can happen without any physical violence.

It is different from an occasional heated argument. Arguments that flare up in the moment, and are often mutual, are one thing; an enduring pattern of domination and control is another [6]. Psychological abuse sits on a continuum, from yelling and insults through to control and isolation [7].

Control can look like:

- monitoring someone's movements, or cutting them off from friends and family;
- controlling money, such as withholding it, running up debt in their name, stopping them from working, or demanding to see every purchase;
- restricting access to work, education or medical care [6];
- threats to hurt or kill the person, their children or their pets [6];
- belittling and blaming, or monitoring social media and tracking location [8].

This isn't a communication problem for a couple to fix. Couples counselling isn't recommended where one partner is abusive or controlling, or where either partner is afraid. Confidential support for the person at risk is the safer first step.

Coercive control is linked with worse mental health than situational psychological abuse [6]. That is an association, and it doesn't prove cause.

Look for the pattern, not one incident. If you're unsure whether what's happening is abuse, a confidential specialist support service can talk it through with you.

## When does jealousy become controlling?

When the feeling turns into behaviour that restricts the other person. Jealousy is a common emotion that responds to a real or perceived threat to the relationship [9]. Having the feeling isn't abuse. Checking, tracking, restricting or punishing is where the concern lies.

Behaviours that point to control include:

- constantly calling or texting when you're out, staying close or watching who you speak to [5];
- wanting to know where you are at all times, and getting angry if you don't say where you're going and who you're seeing [4];
- controlling your activities, what you wear or your contact with friends and family [5];
- reading your emails, texts or letters, or following you [8];
- jealous and possessive accusations [10].

Another sign is seeming scared of a partner, or always trying to please or calm them [5].

Try asking: can I see my friends, keep my phone and messages private, and go out without being questioned or facing anger? In a healthy relationship you enjoy time together and apart, and your partner supports your other relationships [2].

Jealousy and controlling behaviour are each linked with perpetrating partner violence, though a link doesn't mean jealousy causes abuse [11]. There's no exact point at which ordinary jealousy tips into control, and warning-sign lists are prompts to think, not a verdict. If a pattern of watching, restricting or frightening has set in, treat it as a safety matter, as described below.

## What should you do if you feel unsafe?

Being afraid of a partner, or being hurt, threatened, watched or controlled by them, isn't a normal relationship problem or a communication issue. It's abuse, and confidential support is available.

If you're in danger now, call your local emergency number and ask for police [12]. Don't wait for things to get worse.

If you're not in immediate danger, you can talk to someone you trust or contact a specialist support service, even if you're unsure and just want advice [2]. Some services can be contacted anonymously, without saying who you are [13].

Some things to think about:

- **Make a safety plan with a specialist service.** It can cover how you'd get away, transport, childcare, appointments, a safe place to stay, and where your important documents are [5].
- **Plan any leaving carefully.** The risk of injury or death is greatest when leaving or shortly afterwards, so plan it with specialist advice rather than leaving suddenly where you can avoid it [5][10].
- **Think about your devices.** A partner who controls you may be able to see a shared phone, app or browser history, and reading texts or tracking are listed as warning signs of abuse [8]. Contacting services online may be less private than it seems, so consider using a device your partner can't reach and that you trust.
- **Know that support helps.** Advocacy, including informal counselling and help with safety planning, may reduce abuse and improve access to services for women who have experienced partner abuse [14]. Which safety strategies work best isn't clear yet, so advice fitted to your situation matters [15].

Confidential support is available by phone and email, including services for women, for men and for LGBT+ people [8].

## How can you help a friend who might be in an abusive relationship?

Raise your concern privately, where their partner can't overhear, say what you've noticed, and listen without blaming or criticising.

Things you might have noticed: your friend seems scared of their partner or always tries to please or calm them, the partner constantly calls or texts, or controls their activities, dress or contact with others [5]. Being isolated, having money controlled and being stopped from working or studying are also warning signs [8].

What tends to help:

- **Ask open questions,** then listen without interrupting.
- **Say you believe them,** that the abuse isn't their fault and that violence is never OK. Don't excuse the abuser by blaming alcohol, drugs or mental health.
- **Leave decisions to them.** They may not be ready to leave, or it may not be safe, so don't try to force them to do what you think is best [5]. Don't confront the abuser either.
- **Offer information and practical help.** You can offer to help with a safety plan with a specialist service [5]. Specialist services can be contacted anonymously, so you can ask for advice without saying who you are or who your friend is [13]. Some support lines are open 24 hours a day [10].
- **Keep supporting them** even if they aren't ready to act, and look after your own wellbeing.

If you see an assault in progress, call your local emergency number, and don't assume someone else has [10]. If the abuser turns on you, get help from the police and don't put yourself at risk [13].

## When to get more help

You don't need to be certain it's abuse before you reach out.

If you're afraid of your partner, or they hurt, threaten, watch or control you, you don't have to deal with it alone: contact a local family or domestic violence service for confidential support, or call your local emergency number if you're in danger now.


## Common questions

### Is it normal for partners to argue a lot?

Ordinary ups and downs and differing opinions are normal, and most couples disagree sometimes. There's no set number of arguments that counts as too many, so the more useful question is how it feels. Can you raise a problem and be heard, or are you scared of how your partner will react? If you can't tell, a specialist support service can talk it through confidentially.

### Is it controlling if my partner checks my phone?

It depends on whether you both chose it. Sharing phone access or location is healthy only when both partners choose it freely and either can stop at any time without pressure or punishment. Checking someone's phone in secret, tracking them without their knowledge, or pressuring them to share is a form of control.

### How do I know if my own behaviour is controlling?

Feeling jealous or insecure is common; the question is what you do with it. Checking a partner's phone, tracking them, restricting who they see or punishing them for going out are controlling behaviours. If you notice yourself doing them, take it seriously and stop. One test is whether your partner could say no, or stop, without any consequence.


## Sources

1. Building and maintaining healthy relationships. Healthdirect Australia · 2026 https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
2. What is a healthy relationship - qld.gov.au. Queensland Government https://www.qld.gov.au/disability/adults/domestic-violence-support/healthy-relationships
3. Healthy relationships. NHS https://www.rightdecisions.scot.nhs.uk/ggc-sexual-health-supporting-adult-service-users-with-relationships-sexual-health-and-sexual-wellbeing/healthy-relationships/healthy-relationships/
4. 8 signs of a toxic relationship. Healthdirect Australia · 2024 https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/blog/8-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
5. I want to help someone experiencing family and domestic violence. Government of Western Australia https://www.wa.gov.au/organisation/department-of-communities/i-want-help-someone-experiencing-family-and-domestic-violence
6. The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Lohmann and others · Trauma, Violence & Abuse · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
7. The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: a systematic review with meta-analyses. Dokkedahl and others · Systematic Reviews · 2022 https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-022-02025-z
8. Getting help for domestic violence and abuse. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
9. A systematic review of romantic jealousy in relationships. Martínez-León and others · Terapia Psicológica · 2017 https://doi.org/10.4067/s0718-48082017000200203
10. I want to help someone in a domestic violence situation. NSW Communities and Justice https://dcj.nsw.gov.au/children-and-families/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/my-situation-is---/i-want-to-help-someone-in-a-domestic-violence-situation.html
11. Relationship dynamics associated with emotional IPV perpetration and victimization: A meta-analysis. Keilholtz and others · Journal of Marital and Family Therapy · 2023 https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12630
12. Practical steps to help someone experiencing domestic and family violence - qld.gov.au. Queensland Government https://www.qld.gov.au/community/getting-support-health-social-issue/support-victims-abuse/need-to-know/i-want-to-help-someone/practical-steps-to-help-someone-experiencing-dfv
13. A guide for people who think their friend, relative, neighbour or colleague may be in a relationship with someone who is abusive. leicester.gov.uk https://www.leicester.gov.uk/sites/default/files/2026-08/Friends-family-guide-2026.pdf
14. Advocacy interventions to reduce or eliminate violence and promote the physical and psychosocial well-being of women who experience intimate partner abuse. Rivas and others · The Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.cd005043.pub3
15. Intimate partner violence and safety strategy use: frequency of use and perceived effectiveness. Parker and Gielen · Women's Health Issues · 2014 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.whi.2014.08.001

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/healthy-relationship-or-controlling-behaviour