# Holidays and splitting time between families

> There's no single best way to split holidays, so decide together, early, and write down what you agree. Each say what matters most, list the options and be ready to compromise. Blend traditions by keeping some from each side, adding one of your own, and making room for missing old ones.

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- **There's no standard split to copy:** alternating years, splitting the day or hosting in turn can all work if you both chose it.
- **Start early and decide together,** before anyone is deciding under time pressure.
- **Say what matters most to each of you** before you suggest any arrangement.
- **Write the plan down** and present it to both families as a joint decision.
- **Blend, don't pick a winner:** keep some traditions from each side and make a new one of your own.

## How do you split holidays between two families?

There's no standard split that has been shown to work best, so the useful move is to agree how you'll decide, together. Alternating years, splitting the day and hosting in turn are all fair game. What matters is that you both chose it.

Start the conversation well before the holidays, so you're not settling it in the same week as the third "so, what are we doing?" from a parent. Each say which days or traditions matter most to you, and why, before either of you proposes a split. Then list as many possible arrangements as you can and pick one you can both live with. Listening and negotiating rather than insisting you're right helps, because a peaceful answer is hard to find when both sides dig in. It also helps to stick to the topic, look for common ground, and be willing to agree to disagree. Once you've chosen, stick to it, and write it down if that helps [1].

In-laws are the likeliest pressure point. In Western societies, in-law problems often involve jealousy, competition, blurry boundaries and different expectations, and they often reflect what's going on between the couple as much as between generations [2]. In intercultural married couples, most challenges were managed without lower marital satisfaction, except those involving in-laws [3]. So present the plan to both families together, as something you decided jointly, rather than leaving one of you to deliver it alone. Guidance for step-families says that when you set limits, your stability as a couple comes first [4].

Keep expectations realistic and take each person's needs into account. A few weekends away during the year can also take the pressure off the main holiday to be perfect [4].

> **Try this together:** Set aside 10 minutes this week. Each write down the two or three days or traditions that matter most to you, and say why. Then list every possible split you can think of, pick one to try, and put the dates in a shared calendar in Couple Tools so you both see them and get the reminders.

## How do you blend holiday traditions from both families?

Keep some from each side, add something new that belongs to you two, and expect to compromise. Step-family guidance says to treat your household as needing "new" traditions, including where and how you holiday, and to work as a group on ideas that suit everyone [4]. Happy families, too, decide together how to celebrate birthdays and festive occasions [5].

Start by each picking the few traditions you'd really miss, and talk about what they mean to you. The sock-on-the-floor kind of preference ("we always open presents after breakfast") can matter more than it sounds. It's normal to miss the traditions you grew up with, so say that out loud and, where you can, make room for it [4]. Respecting each other's point of view is part of how happy families handle differences [5].

If your backgrounds differ a lot, you're in good company. Couples from different cultures often cope by laughing together, noticing what they have in common, and building blended values and expectations that become their own [6]. Clashes in traditions are a common challenge for intercultural couples, and most managed them without lower marital satisfaction, except where in-laws were involved [3].

Keep talking about feelings, wants and disappointments, and don't brush over a wobble because it's the holidays [4]. If you have children, involve them in some of the choices, since children tend to feel like worthwhile family members when they have a say [5]. Afterwards, check in on what worked and what didn't, and adjust for next year.

## Common questions

### Should we alternate holidays between our families each year?

It's a popular option, and it can feel fair because each family gets its turn. It's not the only one: some couples split the day or take turns hosting. Whichever you choose, agree it together, write it down, and review it after the holiday so you can adjust if it isn't working for either of you.

### How do we handle in-laws who expect us at their holiday?

Decide your plan together first, then share it with both families as a joint decision, so neither of you is left delivering it alone. Stay kind and clear, and name what you can do as well as what you can't. If you want to see them at another time, offer a smaller get-together.

### How do we start new traditions as a couple?

Start small. Each of you picks something you'd enjoy: a walk on the morning itself, a particular meal, a trip on a quiet weekend. Try one or two this year and see how they feel. Keep what you both like, drop what you don't, and let the tradition grow slowly.


## Sources

1. Family conflict. Better Health Channel https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/family-conflict
2. The problem with in-laws. Silverstein · Journal of Family Therapy · 1992 https://doi.org/10.1046/j..1992.00469.x
3. In-Laws, Communication, and Other Frustrations: The Challenges of Intercultural Marriages. Machette and Cionea · Interpersona An International Journal on Personal Relationships · 2023 https://doi.org/10.5964/ijpr.8047
4. Holiday stress. Better Health Channel · 2002 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/holiday-stress
5. Happy families. Better Health Channel https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/happy-families
6. Intercultural Couples: Coping With Culture-Related Stressors. Bustamante and others · The Family Journal · 2011 https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480711399723

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/holidays-and-splitting-time-between-families