# In-laws and family boundaries

> Start with each other: talk through what bothers you each, then tell family plainly what help, contact and advice you'd welcome. Listen to their side, use 'I' statements, and aim for a compromise or for agreeing to disagree. Keep chats and calls as a supplement to time in person.

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- **Talk to each other first:** work out what's bothering each of you before you say anything to family.
- **Be specific and kind:** tell relatives what help and contact you'd welcome, instead of going along and quietly stewing.
- **Advice is double-edged:** it can feel like care or like butting in, so you can listen without handing over the decision.
- **Aim for a workable compromise,** or agree to disagree, rather than trying to win.
- **Treat these tips as starting points:** every family is different, and you two know yours best.

## How do you set boundaries with in-laws?

Start with the two of you, then be clear and kind with family. Trouble with in-laws often involves poor distance or boundary regulation, jealousy and mismatched ideas about roles [1]. It sometimes reflects real clashes between generations, but it often reflects the couple's own dynamics [1]. So the first conversation is usually yours, not theirs: tell each other what's bothering you, especially if you're feeling resentful or upset [2].

Then, with family, one way is:

- **Say plainly what you want.** Be clear about the kind of help or contact you'd like, rather than going along with what's offered and feeling resentful [2].
- **Start with how you feel.** "I'd love a heads-up before you drop by" lands better than "you always turn up." 'You' statements often sound like accusations, while 'I' statements let you be assertive without blaming [3]. Asking "what" questions rather than "why" ones can also keep people from getting defensive [3].
- **Listen, then negotiate.** Pay attention to their point of view, check you've understood by asking questions, and negotiate instead of arguing to win [4].

It's worth the effort. Contact with in-laws, the support they give and conflict with them can affect a couple's life [5], and in married couples, conflict with a mother-in-law is linked with poorer marital satisfaction [6]. If your feelings about your in-laws are a bit mixed, you're in good company: adult children tend to feel more mixed feelings toward in-laws than toward their own parents [7].

## What do you do with advice you didn't ask for?

Listen, thank them for caring, and keep the decision yours. Advice is double-edged: it can be meant as helpful and caring, yet land as butting in, and people reserve the right to make their own choices [8]. Among young adults and their parents, more advice isn't better, especially when nobody asked for it [9].

Some ways to handle it:

- **Cool off first.** If you're too irritated to talk calmly, pause and come back to it later; conflict escalates when people are too angry to listen [4].
- **Let them finish.** Don't interrupt, and check you've understood what's being offered.
- **Stay on the topic.** Resist dragging in old, unrelated grievances [4].
- **Speak about your own side.** "I'd rather we handle this our way" keeps things less defensive than criticising the advice [3].
- **Be willing to agree to disagree.** Communicating positively usually ends in a compromise or in agreeing to disagree [4].

It also helps to talk as a couple, away from the family, about which advice you'll take, which you'll leave, and who says what. You might even find some of it is quite good. Occasionally.

## How involved should grandparents and family be?

As involved as the two of you agree on, and no ideal level has been pinned down. Grandparents in industrialised societies invest a lot of time and money in their grandchildren [10]. Where a family is under real strain, such as teenage pregnancy or maternal depression, grandparent support can help protect children and grandchildren [10].

Feelings about it vary. After a baby arrives, some people feel their own parents are taking over, while others resent that their parents don't help more [2]. So start with a private chat: how much contact, help and say do you each want family to have, and what would you like to keep for yourselves?

Then tell relatives specifically which help is welcome, and which isn't, rather than leaving them to guess [2]. If you have children, you may not agree on discipline and attitudes; sort that out between you, not in front of the child, then agree a shared approach [2]. Once you both understand each other's views, you can come up with lots of options and pick a solution together [4].

And check in now and then, because needs change. An occasional disagreement is normal, but ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships, so don't let a recurring dispute run on unaddressed [4].

## How do you handle family expectations you don't share?

Decide together which expectations matter and which you can let go, then answer the rest kindly and honestly. Clashing expectations often come down to mismatched role expectations and boundary issues, sometimes with the couple's own dynamics mixed in [1].

One way through:

- **Agree with your partner first.** Which expectations (the holiday routine, the weekly dinner, who calls whom) really matter to you, and which could you happily live with?
- **Say what you can do, and what you can't.** Use 'I' statements: "We can't manage every Sunday, but we'd love to come on the first one of the month."
- **Listen to the reasons behind it.** Check you've understood, and keep the problem separate from the person [4].
- **Look for a compromise,** or accept that you may agree to disagree [4].

It's also fine if the answer is simply "no, thank you", said warmly. If you're being clear about what you want rather than quietly going along with things, there's less room for resentment to build [2].

> **Try this together:** Set aside 10 minutes. Each of you privately jots down one thing about your families that you enjoy, one that wears on you, and one kind of help you'd welcome. Swap lists, listen without interrupting, and pick one thing to say to family this week, starting with "I".

## How do you manage family group chats and calls?

Use them to add to time together, not replace it, and agree between you how much contact suits you. Family chat groups work best as a complement to face-to-face contact, since heavy digital use can crowd out in-person time [11]. They do have a lovely side: sharing photos helps family members stay connected across distance and generations [11].

A few practical tips:

- **Video calls with children:** keep early calls short and let them run longer only if the child's attention holds, which also saves relatives from disappointment when little ones get restless [12].
- **Set the scene:** tidy the clutter behind you and cut distracting noise [12].
- **Check before reacting.** Text is easy to misread, and nonverbal cues get lost [13]. Ask what someone meant before replying, and consider a call for anything sensitive.
- **Talk to your partner** about how often and how you each want to be in touch with family. No standard frequency has been set, so it's yours to agree.


## Common questions

### How do we present a united front to our families?

Talk privately first. Work out what matters to each of you, what you can both live with, and who will say what. Then you can both give the same kind, clear message instead of one of you being caught off guard. A united front doesn't mean you agree on everything, just that you've listened to each other.

### How often should we visit or call in-laws?

There's no standard number. What works depends on how close you live, what you each want, and what family hopes for. Talk with your partner about the contact you'd each enjoy and what feels like too much, then tell family what to expect. Revisit it now and then, as needs change.

### How do we handle in-laws' views on parenting?

Settle your own approach first, in private, away from the children. Then tell relatives which help is welcome and which isn't, using 'I' statements such as "we've decided to do it this way". Listen to what they say, thank them for caring, and keep the final decision as a couple.


## Sources

1. The problem with in‐laws. Silverstein · Journal of Family Therapy · 1992 https://doi.org/10.1046/j..1992.00469.x
2. Relationships after having a baby. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/baby/support-and-services/relationships-after-having-a-baby/
3. Reducing Parental Conflict. thehub.bathnes.gov.uk https://thehub.bathnes.gov.uk/Pages/Download/97142d45-797a-4c9e-b83b-ab59ff5fdb32/PageSectionDocuments
4. Family conflict. Better Health Channel https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/family-conflict
5. Meeting Potential Parents-In-Law and Introducing a Partner to Own Parents: Prospective and Retrospective Studies. Ciesielski and Janowicz · Roczniki Psychologiczne · 2021 https://doi.org/10.18290/rpsych2114
6. Positive and Negative Interactions between Mother-in-law and Daughter-in-law: What about Son-in-law?. Leong and Juhari · Malaysian Journal of Social Sciences and Humanities (MJSSH) · 2021 https://doi.org/10.47405/mjssh.v6i5.778
7. Ambivalence in the Relationship of Adult Children to Aging Parents and In‐Laws. Willson, Shuey and Elder · Journal of Marriage and the Family · 2003 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.01055.x
8. The Normative Context of Advice as Social Support. Goldsmith and Fitch · Human Communication Research · 1997 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1997.tb00406.x
9. Adult Children's Daily Experiences With Parental Advice: The Importance of Life Problems and Relationship Quality. Wang and others · The Journals of Gerontology Series B, Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences · 2021 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8557851/
10. Grandparental investment: past, present, and future. Coall and Hertwig · The Behavioral and Brain Sciences · 2010 https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x09991105
11. Family E-Chat Group Use Was Associated with Family Wellbeing and Personal Happiness in Hong Kong Adults amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic. Gong and others · International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health · 2021 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8431295/
12. Family Time – tips for using video chats. The University of Sydney https://www.sydney.edu.au/content/dam/corporate/documents/faculty-of-arts-and-social-sciences/research/research-centres-institutes-groups/rccf-tips-for-using-video-chats-for-family-time-march-2020.pdf
13. The Role of Digital Communication in Building Effective Family Communication to Maintain Intimacy Between Couples in Long-Distance Marriages Through the Use of Digital Media. Anggraeni, Yuniarsih and Irawaty · Journal of Creative Power and Ambition · 2026 https://doi.org/10.70610/jcpa.2025

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/in-laws-and-family-boundaries