# Keeping your relationship strong as parents

> Relationships often get a little strained after children arrive, but small, regular habits help. Give each other a few moments of attention each day, share the load, and protect short breaks and time together. Choose things you both want to do, and don't wait for a perfect evening out.

Not reviewed yet: test content.

- **A dip is common, not a verdict:** satisfaction often falls a little after a baby, and couples vary a lot.
- **Think small and daily:** a few moments of attention beat waiting for a big block of free time.
- **Run things as a team:** sharing the load and the nights leaves more energy for each other.
- **Dates can be tiny:** choose something you both want to do, at home or out.
- **Look after yourselves, too:** short breaks and support beyond the two of you protect you both.

## How do you stay a couple, not just parents?

Keep small moments of attention going every day, and run things as a team. It helps to know the backdrop: on average, relationship satisfaction dips for both mothers and fathers in the first year or so after a baby arrives [1]. Part of that may be ordinary change in early relationships, and part may be down to the birth itself [1][2]. It's an average, not a verdict, and some parents report sudden gains in satisfaction after the birth [2]. Tiredness and less time together make it harder to connect, whatever your relationship was like before [3].

So think small. Try:

- a cup of tea made for each other, or the washing up done side by side
- eye contact and a real "how are you doing?"
- a walk, holding hands, or a cuddle before sleep [4]

Even a few moments of noticing each other and checking in can make a difference [4]. Say what you want, and what's bothering you, before resentment builds [3].

Being a team matters too. How well you coparent is linked with how satisfied you are as a couple [5]. Couples who share parenting responsibilities, give each other timely emotional support and communicate well tend to have lower parenting stress and burnout [6]. And the stage when the children take up all your energy doesn't last forever [3].

## How do parents make time for dates?

Start with whatever time you can realistically find, even a few moments, rather than waiting for a full evening out. Going out together is a lot harder after a baby [3], so lower the bar: tea after bedtime, a walk, or a takeaway on the sofa all count.

In a three-month trial of parents, a weekly date night was linked with better life satisfaction, lower stress and higher relationship satisfaction [7]. The other groups, including team sport and individual activity, improved on the same measures, so the gain may come from having some personal time away from the children rather than from dates alone [7]. People in every group looked forward to their weekly slot, and the date-night and team-sport groups enjoyed it more than those doing an individual activity [7].

Pick something you both want to do. Shared activities seem to sustain relationship quality only when both partners are dedicated to them [8]. In adults in relationships more generally, people who plan more exciting dates may get more closeness from them [9].

Finding the time is a team job. Share housework and childcare so more time is free for the two of you [3], and talk through what gets in the way, with the whole family if that fits [10].

> **Try this together:** Spend ten minutes choosing one small date you'd both enjoy, at home or out, and name what usually gets in the way. Then put a time on the shared calendar in Couple Tools so you both see it and get the reminder.

## How do busy parents look after themselves?

Protect small breaks, share the load, and don't make your partner your only support. Try giving each other ten minutes: a cup of tea in peace while the other parent does bath time or plays in the garden [4]. Where you can, share night feeds and early-morning tasks so you each get more rest [11]. Share the load with your partner, family and friends, and accept help when it's offered [12].

Friends matter. Feeling lonely and cut off is common, especially with a first baby, and a partner can't provide all the support you need [3]. Support from the people around you, whether advice or practical help, is linked with lower parenting burnout [6].

Be kind to yourself, too. Very high standards and being overly self-critical as a parent are a risk factor for burnout [6]. On average, mothers are more likely than fathers to report burnout, though that says nothing about the two of you [6]. In the date-night trial, regular personal time was linked with better life satisfaction and lower stress, whichever form it took [7].

Most of the burnout research shows links rather than cause and effect. If exhaustion or low mood keeps going, talk to a doctor or other health professional.


## Common questions

### Is it normal for a relationship to get worse after having a baby?

A dip in satisfaction is common on average, especially in the first year, but couples vary a lot. Tiredness and less time together make connecting harder for most. Some parents even report gains. Small daily habits, sharing the load and a bit of time for each other are good places to start.

### How often should parents have a date night?

No best frequency has been shown. One trial of parents used a weekly date night, and people liked having a regular slot to look forward to. Start with whatever you can realistically manage, even a few moments, and adjust as your energy and your children's needs change.

### How do we stay close when we are both exhausted?

Go small. Make each other a cup of tea, do the washing up together, make eye contact and ask how the other is doing. A walk, holding hands or a cuddle before sleep all count. Even a few moments of attention can help when time and energy are short.


## Sources

1. Changes in relationship satisfaction across the transition to parenthood: a meta-analysis. Mitnick, Heyman and Smith Slep · Journal of Family Psychology · 2009 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017004
2. The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. Doss and others · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · 2009 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969
3. Relationships after having a baby. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/baby/support-and-services/relationships-after-having-a-baby/
4. Parental Relationships. NHS https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/emotional-health/parental-emotional-health/parental-relationships/
5. The association between marital satisfaction and coparenting quality: A meta-analysis. Ronaghan, Gaulke and Theule · Journal of Family Psychology · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001149
6. A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. Ren and others · BMC Public Health · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-17829-y
7. Effect of recreational sport and physical activity participation on well-being during early parenthood: a randomized controlled trial. Rhodes and others · Annals of Behavioral Medicine · 2025 https://doi.org/10.1093/abm/kaae081
8. “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Girme, Overall and Faingataa · Personal Relationships · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12020
9. Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion. Harasymchuk and others · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 2021 https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211000436
10. Wellbeing tips for parents. fis.cityoflondon.gov.uk https://www.fis.cityoflondon.gov.uk/asset-library/family-lives-wellbeing-tips.pdf
11. Sleep and tiredness after having a baby. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/baby/support-and-services/sleep-and-tiredness-after-having-a-baby/
12. First 2000 Days: Self-care for Parents and Caregivers. South Eastern Sydney Local Health District https://www.seslhd.health.nsw.gov.au/services-clinics/directory/first-2000-days-key-messages/first-2000-days-10-key-actions-for-all-families/first-2000-days-self-care-for-parents-and-caregivers

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/keeping-your-relationship-strong-as-parents