# Meaning, values and spirituality

> Shared values seem to count for more than matching hobbies, especially caring about other people and how you want to treat each other. You don't need the same beliefs to grow together: open questions, support for each other's practices and respect for what lies behind them go a long way.

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- **Values seem to count for more than hobbies,** and caring about others is the kind that shows up most.
- **Seeing eye to eye on goals and ideals** for your relationship matters more than matching on traits.
- **Growing together starts with curiosity:** ask what your partner believes and why, and listen to learn.
- **You can support a practice you don't share,** and admire the value behind a belief you don't hold.
- **Keep it in proportion:** shared values are one factor among several, not a guarantee.

## Do shared values matter more than shared interests?

It isn't clear yet how values compare directly with shared interests, but values seem to count for a lot. In married couples, similarity in personality and values is linked more strongly to how the relationship is going than similarity in attitudes and religiosity [1]. And seeing your partner as sharing your values and your ideals for the relationship is linked more closely to relationship quality than seeing them as similar in traits [2].

One kind of value stands out: caring about other people and their welfare. Across several studies of romantic couples, holding these values was consistently linked to higher relationship quality [3]. The link seems to run through willingness to make sacrifices for each other and wanting to be in the relationship for its own sake [3].

Keep it in proportion. The links are small to moderate, and they can't show that values cause happier couples [3]. Value similarity is one factor among several, not a decisive one [4]. Couples who share a religious affiliation also tend to report higher marital satisfaction and stability than couples who don't, though that isn't a direct test of values [5].

So if one of you loves hiking and the other loves the sofa, you're allowed to relax. Treat interests and values as two separate conversations, and spend a little time on the second: how you want to treat people, what you want your life to stand for, and what you want your relationship to be.

## How do couples grow spiritually or philosophically together?

Mostly by being curious about each other, out loud. For couples with different religious beliefs, openly discussing and learning about each other's beliefs helps them understand and accept their differences [6]. Try open questions: what do you believe, what gives your life meaning, and why? Listen to learn rather than to persuade.

Support helps too. Backing a partner's practices and beliefs, while staying flexible about how, is linked with less relational distress in interfaith marriages [6]. You don't have to join in to be supportive.

If you can't share a conviction, look for the value underneath it. One partner can admire the other's honesty, care or integrity, and say so, even without sharing the belief that goes with it [6]. Some couples with different faiths build mutual respect, tolerance and shared values in place of religious unity [5].

Where spirituality is shared, it is described as giving a couple a sense of shared meaning and commitment, and a way to see hard times as meaningful rather than only threatening [7]. Seeing marriage as sacred has been linked with more positive behaviour between spouses [8]. Prayer may also have negative effects, though, so don't treat any spiritual practice as a sure route to a better relationship [9].

You don't need a faith for any of this. "What gives your life meaning?" is a fair question whatever your answer is.

> **Try this together:** Spend 10 minutes each naming three things that matter most to you, such as honesty, family or curiosity. Share why each one matters, then tell your partner one of theirs that you admire. No debating allowed: this is a listening round.

## Common questions

### How do we handle holidays and traditions when our backgrounds differ?

Talk it through before the season arrives, because holidays and special occasions can bring you together or bring up differences. Each say which traditions matter most to you and why, then decide where you can be flexible. Some couples keep one tradition from each side, and some invent a new one. Either way, it works best when you both have a say.

### What if my partner's beliefs change over time?

It can be unsettling, and differences tend to be hardest straight after a change in faith. Many couples adapt over time. Ask what's shifted and why, and keep listening to learn rather than to persuade. You can still support what matters to them and look for the values you both hold, such as honesty or care.


## Sources

1. Couple similarity and marital satisfaction: are similar spouses happier?. Gaunt · Journal of Personality · 2006 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2006.00414.x
2. The Role of Value Similarity in Close Relationships. researchportal.bath.ac.uk https://researchportal.bath.ac.uk/en/studentTheses/the-role-of-value-similarity-in-close-relationships/
3. Values in Romantic Relationships. van der Wal and others · Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231156975
4. Perceived Value Similarity With Important Others: Well-Being Implications for Emerging Adults. Belic, Boehnke and Boehnke · Frontiers in Psychology · 2022 https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.716952
5. Individual and Relational Outcomes of Inter-religious Marriage: A Scoping Review. Cyriac and Mathew · Journal of Religion and Health · 2026 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-025-02505-1
6. The AFFIRM Model for Navigating Challenges in Continuously-Interfaith and Divergent-Interfaith Marriages. Hendricks and others · Family Process · 2026 https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.70196
7. The Role of Spirituality and Spiritual Care in Marital Conflicts. Altinli Macic and Akbaş · Marife Dini Araştırmalar Dergisi · 2026 https://doi.org/10.33420/marife.1864505
8. Sanctification of marriage and spiritual intimacy predicting observed marital interactions across the transition to parenthood. Kusner and others · Journal of Family Psychology · 2014 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0036989
9. Spiritual Behaviors and Relationship Satisfaction: A Critical Analysis of the Role of Prayer. Fincham and others · Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology · 2008 https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2008.27.4.362

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/meaning-values-and-spirituality