# New experiences together

> Trying something new together tends to be linked with feeling closer and more satisfied, but it works best when you both want to do it. Pick things that feel fresh and a little fun, keep plans realistic, and for trips, ask what each of you hopes to get from them.

Not reviewed yet: test content.

- **Fresh beats familiar:** doing something new together tends to be linked with feeling closer and more satisfied.
- **Time together isn't the whole story:** it's the newness and engagement that seem to matter.
- **Both of you need to want it,** so choose together rather than one person dragging the other along.
- **Keep it realistic:** small, cheap and regular beats a grand plan that never happens.
- **Talk before you travel:** a few minutes on expectations saves a lot of sulking at the airport.

## Why do new experiences bring couples closer?

Because newness makes you feel like you're growing, and doing it together ties that feeling to your partner. The idea behind this is called self-expansion: broadening yourself through new activities, skills and perspectives, something close relationships are thought to drive a lot of [1]. As a partner becomes familiar, there are fewer fresh perspectives and surprises, so exciting shared activities may help long-term couples top it back up [2].

There's some backing for this. Doing self-expanding activities with a long-term partner is linked with higher sexual desire, which is in turn linked with greater relationship satisfaction, and the satisfaction benefits seemed to last rather than vanish the next day [3]. Simply believing your relationship can keep growing also predicted satisfaction and commitment two months later [1].

The picture is mixed, though. In married couples, simply doing a shared activity, whether exciting or just pleasant, didn't significantly lift satisfaction compared with doing nothing special [4]. And novel shared activities reliably cut boredom without consistently lifting satisfaction [5]. So the takeaway isn't "spend more hours side by side". It's to try things that feel fresh and engaging to you both. How big the effect is isn't clear yet.

## Are couples' getaways and retreats worth it?

A getaway can be, especially if it includes something new, though the case is promising rather than proven. Being happy with your holidays is linked with how good the relationship feels and how committed you are, and that link looked the same for couples who live together, who don't and who are married [6][7]. That's a link, not proof that a trip causes a better relationship. Couples who did more self-expanding things, such as road trips, adventurous sports or learning a skill together, also reported more satisfaction on those days and three months later [5][3].

For couples retreats in particular, how well they work and whether they're good value isn't clear yet. Reviews of residential health retreats for adults found gains that were reported to last after people went home, but some measures faded over time, and part of any getaway's glow may simply come from being away from normal routines [8]. So don't count on one trip to do all the work.

If you go, build in something new or a little challenging to do together, and pick a budget and length of trip that's realistic for both of you. A cheap local adventure may do a lot of the same job.

## How do you plan trips and adventures you'll both enjoy?

Plan them together, starting with what each of you wants. Shared activities tended to help the relationship only when both partners wanted to share them and were responsive to each other [9]. Activities that were satisfying, stress-free and made partners feel closer predicted better relationship quality, both at the time and later on [9]. So "one of us planned, the other turned up" is a weaker recipe than it sounds.

A simple way to do it:

- **Each say what you'd like from the trip** before anyone opens a booking site. Rest, views, food, a challenge, nothing at all.
- **Ask each other's views and be open to compromise.** Leave a pause for the other person to answer, and listen [10].
- **Agree the practical bits up front:** when, where, rough cost and how long.
- **Mix something a bit challenging with something relaxing,** so the plan stays manageable and nobody ends up exhausted.

If you want different things, you don't have to pick a winner. Alternate whose idea leads, or build one day around each of your wishes.

## How do you make a bucket list together?

Start separately, then merge. Each of you writes your own ideas first, so one person's enthusiasm doesn't drown out the other's. Then share them and choose the items you both want. Big dreams (a long train journey, a sunrise hike) are lovely, but mix in small, cheap ones too, so the list stays realistic for your time and money.

A list only counts once it turns into plans. For each item you pick, write down the details and agree a time and place. Joint effort tends to pay off when it actually gets somewhere, not just when it's well meant [11], so a dated "pottery class, second Saturday" beats "someday, pottery".

You can also keep a few wild cards. Let each of you pick one item the other has to try with an open mind. Then review the list now and then: cross things off, add new ones, and quietly retire anything neither of you fancies any more.

> **Try this together:** Spend 10 minutes each writing three things you've never done together, from the silly to the ambitious. Swap lists, circle the ones you both want, and pick one for this month. Put the shortlist on a shared list in Couple Tools so you can both add to it and tick things off.

## Is learning something new together good for a relationship?

It can be, as one kind of new activity. Couples who did more self-expanding things, including learning a skill together such as a cooking class, reported feeling more satisfied with their relationship on those days and three months later [5]. That's an association, though, and the research looks at novel activities in general rather than classes specifically, so treat it as a promising idea, not a guarantee.

To make it work for you, choose something you're both curious about, so neither of you is just going along. Start small: a one-off class or workshop lets you see how it feels for both of you before you sign up for a ten-week commitment.

Expect to be differently good at it. One of you may pick it up faster, and that's fine; you're there to try something new together, not to be graded. A little teasing about your wobbly first attempt is allowed, as long as you're both laughing.

## How do you travel together without falling out?

Talk before you go, and keep the talking kind while you're away. Couples facing a big shared change, such as a move, tend to cope better when they discuss the expected challenges beforehand, so they set realistic expectations and can support each other [12]. That advice is about relocating, but it's a sensible habit for a trip too. Before you leave, ask each other what you expect and what might be hard: money, pace, how much time together and apart.

When tension builds, wait for a calmer moment rather than rowing in the queue. Ask each other's views, stay open to compromise, and give the other person time to answer [10]. Talk about how you feel using "I": "I'm getting tired and I'd like to stop for a bit" lands better than "you never let us rest". Listening matters as much as talking [13].

Agree some phone-free time together, so the trip is actually shared. And if you're heading abroad, check whether your health insurance covers care there, and look at travel advisories for your destination [14].

## Common questions

### What if one of us doesn't want to try new things?

Don't push. Shared activities seem to help only when both of you want to take part. Ask what puts them off: cost, nerves, the crowd, the effort. Then offer something smaller or closer to their interests, or take turns choosing, so trying new things feels like an invitation, not a chore.

### How do we find new things to do on a small budget?

New doesn't have to mean expensive. Look for small twists on your routine: a different route home, a cuisine neither of you has cooked, a new neighbourhood to wander, a local event. Each write down a few ideas, swap lists and pick the cheapest one you're both curious about.

### Does it matter if the activity is exciting or just pleasant?

Pleasant time together is still good for you both, but the research leans towards activities that feel fresh and engaging. Simply spending more time together doesn't reliably lift satisfaction. If you can, add a small twist to a pleasant evening: a new place, a new recipe, a new game.

### How do we keep novelty going when we have children or little time?

Think small. Novelty can be ten minutes, not a weekend away. Take a different walk, with or without the children, cook something new together, or turn a chore into a shared outing. Short, regular new things are easier to sustain than rare big ones, and they still count as time for the two of you.


## Sources

1. Self-expansion perceptions and behaviors uniquely contribute to relationship quality over time. Dobson and others · Journal of Family Psychology · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001188
2. Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion. Harasymchuk and others · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 2021 https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211000436
3. Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Muise and others · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · 2019 https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000148
4. Shared Activities and Marital Satisfaction: Causal Direction and Self-Expansion versus Boredom. Reissman, Aron and Bergen · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 1993 https://doi.org/10.1177/026540759301000205
5. Virtually Connected: Do Shared Novel Activities in Virtual Reality Enhance Self-Expansion and Relationship Quality?. Balzarini, Sharma and Muise · Behavioral Sciences · 2025 https://doi.org/10.3390/bs15010067
6. How vacation satisfaction shapes relationship quality among Indian couples. Bhatia, Kumar and Maidullah · Anatolia · 2023 https://doi.org/10.1080/13032917.2023.2286009
7. Travel as Relationship Therapy. Durko and Petrick · Journal of Travel Research · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1177/0047287515592970
8. The health impact of residential retreats: a systematic review. Naidoo, Schembri and Cohen · BMC Complementary and Alternative Medicine · 2018 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12906-017-2078-4
9. “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Girme, Overall and Faingataa · Personal Relationships · 2013 https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12020
10. Things to do to help you get on better. fid.bcpcouncil.gov.uk https://www.fid.bcpcouncil.gov.uk/online-family-hub/information/family-hubs-early-help-and-outreach-centres/healthy-relationships-getting-on-better/things-to-do-to-help-you-get-on-better
11. Flourishing Together: The Longitudinal Effect of Goal Coordination on Goal Progress and Life Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships. Rosta-Filep and others · International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology · 2023 https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-023-00089-3
12. On the Move: Trajectories of Stressors and Rewards Among Relocating Couples. Naeimi and others · Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin · 2026 https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672251355002
13. Parental Relationships. NHS https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/emotional-health/parental-emotional-health/parental-relationships/
14. Before You Travel. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention https://wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/page/before-travel

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/new-experiences-together