# Problems you can't solve

> Problems that keep coming back are common, and many couples find ways to live with them rather than solve them. What matters most is how you handle them: stay respectful, work out what each of you needs, and look for a win-win or a fair middle ground.

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- **Some problems keep coming back,** and that's common, not a sign you're doing it wrong.
- **The tone matters more than the topic:** respect and fairness make the same old problem easier to live with.
- **Start with what each of you needs,** then look for a win-win before settling for less.
- **A fair middle ground is a good outcome,** as long as you both see it as fair.
- **Some differences are for living with,** and choosing that together is not the same as giving in.

## Is it normal to have problems that never get solved?

Yes. Every couple hits problems, and ups and downs are a normal part of sharing a life [1][2]. Many couples, perhaps most, never fully solve every problem. They find ways to live with them, because plenty of problems can only be solved to a degree [3]. The one who's always running late, the saver and the spender, the great thermostat debate: some of these simply come with the pair of you.

What seems to matter is how the problem gets handled. Constructive conflict feels respectful and fair, and leaves you understanding each other better. Destructive conflict leaves things unresolved, builds resentment and settles into a pattern of criticism, defensiveness, shutting the other person out or contempt [4]. Recurring arguments that are never resolved are listed as an early sign that a relationship could use some support [2]. So is the "here we go again" feeling, which is linked with loneliness, hurt and disappointment [1].

So a repeat argument isn't proof that something is wrong with you or the relationship. Try asking each other: is this one we can solve, or one we need to find a way to live with? Then listen to the tone as well as the topic. Respect, fairness and feeling heard are what you're after.

## Should you compromise or agree fully?

You don't have to agree fully. A good first move is to look for a win-win, and if there isn't one, a compromise that meets at least some of what each of you needs.

To find a win-win, step back from quick "solutions" and work out what each person actually needs [5]. The words "I want the flat tidy" and "I want to unwind when I get home" can turn out to be two needs that fit together. If they don't, a middle ground can work, because people are often happy to accept a compromise when they can see it's fair and the best solution available [5]. Negotiating a clash of goals well is also linked with better outcomes on those goals [6].

Some differences won't shift at all, and then acceptance is another route. Practical guidance suggests accepting and valuing differences in your partner, since we often pick people who have qualities we'd like more of ourselves [1]. For each difference, it helps to decide together whether you're trying to find a solution or to accept it and work around it.

How you go about it counts too. Hostility is linked with lower relationship satisfaction, while intimacy and problem solving are linked with higher satisfaction [7]. Aim for a collaborative, supportive tone, even when you're disagreeing.

> **Try this together:** Set aside 10 minutes. Each of you picks one problem that keeps coming back and writes down what you need from it, not what you want the other person to do. Swap notes, then decide together whether it's one to solve or one to live with. If it's a live-with, agree on one small thing that makes it easier this week.

## When to get more help

Sometimes a problem that keeps coming back needs more than the two of you.

If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.


## Common questions

### Is accepting a difference the same as giving in?

Not quite. Accepting a difference means you both decide, with open eyes, to live with something and work around it. Giving in is when one of you quietly drops their needs to end the discussion. If you're unsure which one you're doing, ask whether you both feel the decision is fair.

### What if we keep having the same argument?

Notice the tone as well as the topic, and try stepping back to ask what each of you really needs. Then decide together whether this is a problem to solve or one to live with. A repeat argument is common, and a calmer, more respectful version of it is a good goal.

### What if compromise means one of us always gives up more?

Then it's worth saying so, kindly and specifically. A compromise works best when you both see it as fair, so check in on that. You could take turns on whose preference leads, or swap what each of you gives up next time. If it keeps feeling lopsided, go back to what each of you actually needs.


## Sources

1. Relationships - tips for success. Better Health Channel · 2005 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/Relationships-tips-for-success
2. Relationship support services. Better Health Channel https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/relationship-support-services
3. How People Manage Relationship Problems: An Exploratory Study in the Greek Cultural Context. Apostolou, Samara and Lajunen · Behavioral Sciences · 2025 https://doi.org/10.3390/bs15020218
4. Partners & lovers. anu.edu.au · 2021 https://www.anu.edu.au/students/health-safety-wellbeing/feeling-well/break-ups/partners-lovers
5. How to have healthier arguments: an expert guide. stories.uq.edu.au https://stories.uq.edu.au/contact-magazine/self-checkout-conflict/index.html
6. Successful negotiation of goal conflict between romantic partners predicts better goal outcomes during COVID-19: A mixed methods study. Vowels, Carnelley and Francois-Walcott · Journal of Social and Personal Relationships · 2022 https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211033341
7. A two-dimensional approach to relationship conflict: meta-analytic findings. Woodin · Journal of Family Psychology · 2011 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023791

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/problems-you-cant-solve