# Reactivity and triggers

> Triggers are the things that press on a sore spot, like feeling unfairly treated, disrespected or interrupted, and stress makes them hit harder. Learn your early body signals, pause and calm down before you reply, then come back and talk it through one problem at a time.

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- **Triggers tend to be about feeling unfairly treated, disrespected or interrupted,** and a stressful stretch makes them land harder.
- **Your body sends early warnings:** a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, a tight chest.
- **A pause beats a perfect comeback:** calm down first, reply second.
- **If either of you is too angry to talk, take a break** and say when you'll come back to it.
- **Talking it through works best when you both feel heard:** one problem at a time, with some listening in the middle.

## Why do some things set you off, and what can you do about it?

Usually because something presses on a sore spot. Common ones are being treated unfairly and feeling powerless about it, not being respected (your feelings, your things, your say), and being interrupted when you're trying to get something done [1][2]. Add a stressful week, habits you picked up in your family, or frightening events from the past, and the same small thing can hit harder [1]. Some people also tend to expect rejection, and so read intentional rejection into ambiguous behaviour [3].

Anger can be sneaky: it's not always easy to tell it's the reason you're acting differently [1]. So learn your early signs, such as a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, a tight chest or feeling hot [1]. Difficult feelings that build up can also come out as irritability, snappiness or withdrawal [4], and avoiding talk about what's bothering you can leave you cross and irritable [5].

A few things to try:

- **Spot the early signs,** then give yourself time to think: count to 10 and do some calming breathing [1].
- **Calm down before you reply,** then come back to the issue [5].
- **Don't let bothersome things go unsaid for long,** and tell your partner when you're having a hard time [4][5].

If anger feels hard to manage, or stress, anxiety or depression is getting on top of you, it's worth talking to your doctor or another qualified health professional, who can point you to local support such as counselling [1].

## How do you respond instead of react?

Pause, and calm your body before you answer. In the heat of the moment the first thing that comes to mind can make things worse, and you may regret it later [6]. When you're angry, it's common to be flooded with unhelpful thoughts and to jump to conclusions that look less realistic once you're calmer [6].

So give your body a minute. Count to 10, breathe slowly, or picture a relaxing scene; deep breathing and calming imagery can ease strong feelings and give you space to think [1][6].

If either of you is too angry to talk, take some cooling-off time and come back to the issue later [7][4]. A break only works as a break if it has an end, so say when you'll be back. "I need twenty minutes, then let's try again" is a very different sentence from stomping off.

Once you're calmer, step back and ask yourself whether there's another way to look at the argument [4]. Then plan a solution together rather than arguing over who's to blame [8]. Couples who cope with stress in positive ways together tend to be more satisfied with their relationship, though that's a link, not proof that one causes the other [9].

> **Try this together:** Spend 10 minutes swapping notes. Each of you names one early sign that you're getting wound up (a tight chest, a clenched jaw) and one thing that helps you calm down. Then agree your own break signal and how long a break lasts before you return to the conversation.

## How do couples work through difficult feelings together?

By choosing a calm moment, listening properly and owning your own part. Pick a time when you can talk about your feelings calmly, rather than straight after something has upset you [5].

Then try these:

- **Open with appreciation.** Start with something you value about your partner before you raise a concern [8].
- **Keep it specific.** Use an example rather than a general complaint, explain why it matters to you, say how it makes you feel, and deal with one problem at a time [8].
- **Listen to their side.** There are two sides to every story [7].
- **Be an active listener.** Repeat back what you heard, or ask for more detail if it's unclear. It helps your partner feel heard and can reduce conflict [4][10].
- **Own your part.** Say which bit of the problem is yours [7].

Speaking openly about how you feel, and listening in turn, can strengthen a relationship, reduce relationship anxiety and help protect mental wellbeing [4].

Coping as a team also seems to matter. Collaborative and supportive coping are linked with higher relationship satisfaction, and so is how each of you sees the other's coping, which counts for more than how you rate your own [9].

## Common questions

### How do we agree a time out during an argument?

Settle it when you're both calm, not mid-row. Agree a simple signal or phrase either of you can use, and agree that a break always has an end: say roughly when you'll come back. Use the time to breathe and cool down, not to rehearse your best lines, then return to the issue.

### What should I do when my partner is too angry to talk?

Don't push for a resolution right then. Suggest some cooling-off time, say you do want to sort it out, and name a time to come back to it. Keep your own voice and body calm while you wait. Words said in the heat of the moment are often regretted later.

### Does being tired or stressed make us argue more?

Stress can make anger harder to control, so small things may land harder in a busy or difficult stretch. It helps to notice when you're running low and say so: "I'm stretched thin today, so I might snap." Telling your partner early can head off a lot of unnecessary friction.

### How do I tell my partner what sets me off?

Choose a calm moment rather than straight after an upset. Start with something you appreciate, then describe one trigger with a specific example, why it matters to you and how it makes you feel. Keep it to one thing at a time, and ask what your partner's triggers are too.


## Sources

1. Feeling angry - Kirklees Keep in Mind. NHS · 2023 https://kirklees-keep-in-mind.nhs.uk/feeling/feeling-angry/
2. Get help with anger. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
3. Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Downey and Feldman · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · 1996 https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.70.6.1327
4. Maintaining healthy relationships and mental wellbeing. NHS https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/
5. Parental Relationships. NHS https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/emotional-health/parental-emotional-health/parental-relationships/
6. Managing anger self-help resource. The University of Sydney https://www.sydney.edu.au/content/dam/students/documents/support-resources/counselling-and-mental-health-support/managing-anger.pdf
7. Relationships - dealing with conflict. Better Health Channel · 2005 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-dealing-with-conflict
8. Depression and low mood: A guide for partners. NHS https://selfhelp.cntw.nhs.uk/self-help-guides/depression-and-low-mood-guide-partners/print/1089
9. Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Falconier and others · Clinical Psychology Review · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002
10. Every Relationship Matters in Norfolk. NHS https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/emotional-health/parental-emotional-health/every-relationship-matters-in-norfolk/

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/reactivity-and-triggers