# Sharing parenting fairly > There's no single formula for a fair split: it's whatever you two agree, rather than whatever happens by default. List every job, planning included, share them in a way you both feel is fair, review it after big changes, and keep small regular moments for each other. Not reviewed yet: test content. - **Fair is something you agree,** not something that happens by default. - **Planning counts as work:** put the remembering and organising on the list, not just the doing. - **A split that feels unfair is linked with more conflict,** so it's worth raising early and kindly. - **Closeness often dips when children are young,** which is a common pattern, not a verdict on you. - **Small, regular moments and other people's support** help you both keep going. ## How do you split childcare fairly? There's no single formula, so the fair split is the one you two agree on and both feel good about. Equal hours, an equal load, or something that flexes with work and energy: that's yours to decide. It helps to know how easily things drift the other way. Even couples who believe in sharing equally tend to slide into more specialised roles once children arrive, sometimes for practical reasons [1]. In dual-earner couples with a new baby, women on average take on most of the childcare and more of the housework [1]. In different-sex dual-earner couples, childcare has tended to fall to mothers by default rather than through an agreement [2]. Your own couple may look nothing like that average. Why bother? Among working-class dual-earner couples, mothers who felt they were doing more childcare than expected, and that it was unfair to them, reported more conflict a year after the birth [3]. Parents who want an even split tend to be happier in their relationship if they manage it [4]. Couples who share parenting, support each other and talk well also report less parenting stress and burnout [5]. A few things to try: - **Talk it through instead of letting it settle.** Each of you says what you want and what's been bothering you. - **List every childcare job, planning and organising included,** and see who does what now. Your two versions may differ, so compare them. - **Raise a snag with an example and an offer** ("could you take Thursday's pick-up?") rather than a general complaint. - **Review it every so often,** especially after a new baby, a new job or a change in work hours. > **Try this together:** Set a timer for 10 minutes. Each of you writes down every childcare job you can think of, including the invisible ones, like remembering the school forms. Compare lists, then pick one job to swap, whole, from remembering to finishing. Add it in Couple Tools as a shared task with an owner and a due date. ## How do you balance attention between your children and your partner? With small, regular moments for the two of you, and a realistic view of how full this stage is. A dip in closeness is common. Relationship satisfaction tends to fall after a child arrives, especially for women on average [1], and parents tend to show sharper drops in closeness and in time spent on relationship-focused activities than couples without children [6]. Treat it as a common pattern to work on together, not a sign something is wrong with you. Time together and fairness seem to travel as a pair. Among married new mothers, falling satisfaction was linked to less quality time with their husbands and a growing sense that the housework was unfair [7]. So sharing the load is part of making room for each other, not a separate project. Some ideas: - **Find a few minutes a day** to check in, even if it's over the washing-up. - **Say out loud what you each need and how you're coping,** before frustration builds. - **Share the load,** so neither of you ends up carrying most of the childcare and feeling resentful. - **Don't expect your partner to meet every need.** Parents with people to turn to for advice or practical help are less likely to burn out [5], and burnout is linked to more frequent and more intense arguments between partners [5]. Friends, family and other supportive people count. These are sensible starting points rather than proven methods, so keep the ones that suit you and drop the rest. ## Common questions ### Does a fair split mean a 50/50 split? Not necessarily. Some couples split time down the middle; others split by what each of you is good at, enjoys or has room for in this season. What matters is that you both feel it's fair, and that either of you can say so when it stops being true. Work hours, energy and your children's needs all change, so expect to adjust. ### What is the 'default parent' and how do we stop one of us being it? The default parent is the one who ends up first in line for everything by habit: the school call, the sick day, the "where are the shoes?" question. To loosen it, hand over whole jobs rather than one-off tasks, let each of you be the first contact for different things, and resist stepping in when the other has it covered. ### How do we share night-time care and early-morning care? Put nights and early mornings on the list like any other job. Some couples alternate nights; others split the night into two shifts so each of you gets a proper stretch of sleep. Whatever you pick, say it out loud, swap when one of you is flattened, and review it every few weeks as your child's sleep changes. ## Sources 1. The Production of Inequality: The Gender Division of Labor Across the Transition to Parenthood. Yavorsky, Kamp Dush and Schoppe-Sullivan · Journal of Marriage and the Family · 2015 https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12189 2. By Default: How Mothers in Different-Sex Dual-Earner Couples Account for Inequalities in Pandemic Parenting. Calarco and others · Socius Sociological Research for a Dynamic World · 2021 https://doi.org/10.1177/23780231211038783 3. Division of Household and Childcare Labor and Relationship Conflict Among Low-Income New Parents. Newkirk, Perry-Jenkins and Sayer · Sex Roles · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3 4. Practicable strategies parents can apply in their daily routine to successfully implement the 50/50-split-model of paid work, childcare, and housework: a qualitative content analysis. Schaber and others · BMC Public Health · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-19646-9 5. A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. Ren and others · BMC Public Health · 2024 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-17829-y 6. The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. Doss and others · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · 2009 https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969 7. If Momma Ain't Happy: Explaining Declines in Marital Satisfaction Among New Mothers. Dew and Wilcox · Journal of Marriage and the Family · 2011 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00782.x Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/sharing-parenting-fairly