# When your partner is in crisis

> If your partner may be thinking about suicide, ask them directly; asking doesn't put the idea in their head. Listen, take them seriously and stay with them. If they have a specific plan, they need help right away, and a health professional should be involved.

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- **Ask directly:** asking your partner whether they're thinking about suicide doesn't put the idea in their head.
- **Listen and stay:** take what they say seriously, and don't leave them alone.
- **Ask about a plan:** a specific plan means they need help right away.
- **You're not meant to be their only support:** involve a health professional.
- **Look after yourself too:** supporting someone in crisis can take a toll.

## What should you do if your partner is in crisis?

Ask them directly whether they're thinking about suicide, then listen, take what they say seriously and stay with them. Any talk of suicide should be taken seriously. Asking plainly doesn't put the idea in their head [1][2], and if they are having those thoughts, it may be a relief to have someone to talk to [2]. Asking also shows you care and gives them a safe space to speak [3].

Here is what to do, in order:

- **Ask calmly and plainly:** "Are you thinking about suicide?" It isn't an easy question, but it can start the conversation [1].
- **Listen without judging.** You don't need to solve their problems. Active listening, compassion and patience are the foundation of good support [4].
- **Tell them you care and will support them,** and take what they say seriously [3].
- **Ask whether they have a plan.** A specific plan means they need help right away, so don't wait to see whether things settle [5].
- **Stay with them** rather than leaving them alone, especially if they have a specific plan [3].

You aren't meant to be their only support. Help from a partner, friends or family isn't a substitute for suicide-specific help from trained mental health professionals, and a doctor is a good starting point [4][6].

Look after yourself too, because supporting someone in crisis can take a toll. If you aren't sleeping, or you're feeling suicidal yourself, talk to your healthcare provider or a more formal counselling service [2].

## What are the warning signs to act on straight away?

Act straight away if your partner tells you they want to die or kill themselves, hurts themselves, or gets hold of things they could use to hurt themselves [2][5]. Don't wait for anything more. Ask them directly, and get help.

Other signs are worth taking seriously, especially in combination:

- **Talk about death:** becoming obsessed with death, or reading or writing about suicide online [2]. Saying they "can't do this anymore" or "can't go on for much longer", or making arrangements for others to look after family members or pets [7].
- **Feelings:** hopelessness, feeling worthless or trapped, or seeming restless, agitated, angry or tearful [3][8].
- **Behaviour:** pulling away from family and friends, not replying to messages, no longer wanting to do things they usually enjoy, using alcohol or drugs to cope, or taking risks [2][3].

Signs matter most when they are new, have increased, or follow a painful event, loss or change [9].

A list can't tell you for certain. Sometimes there are no warning signs at all [3], and the ability to predict suicide from risk factors hasn't improved over decades of research [10]. So use these signs as a prompt to ask, not as a test your partner has to pass. If you're worried, ask whether they're okay, and ask directly about suicide.

## When to get more help

These are the places to turn, for your partner and for you.

If you or your partner are thinking about suicide or self-harm, contact a local crisis line (Find A Helpline lists them by country), or call your local emergency number if someone's life is in danger.

For a worry about your mental, physical or sexual health, see a doctor.


## Common questions

### What do I say if my partner tells me they are thinking about suicide?

Keep it simple and calm. You could say, "Thank you for telling me. I take this seriously, I care about you and I'm here." Then listen without trying to fix things, and ask whether they have a plan. You don't need perfect words. Stay with them rather than leaving them alone, and involve a health professional.

### What if my partner refuses help or won't talk?

That's a hard place to be, and what works best isn't clear yet. Keep listening without judgement and let them know you're there. If they have a specific plan, stay with them and get help right away. Either way, you don't have to work it out alone: a doctor is a good starting point, and a health professional can advise you.


## Sources

1. 5 Action Steps to Help Someone Having Thoughts of Suicide. National Institutes of Health https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/5-action-steps-to-help-someone-having-thoughts-of-suicide
2. Suicide and prevention. Health New Zealand https://www.healthnz.govt.nz/health-topics/conditions-treatments/mental-health-conditions/suicide-prevention
3. Suicide warning signs - support, at-risk groups, resources. Healthdirect Australia https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/conditions/mental-health-conditions/warning-signs-of-suicide
4. Key Components and Barriers in Web-Based Suicide Prevention Gatekeeper Training: Systematic Narrative Review. Ferlatte and others · Journal of Medical Internet Research · 2026 https://doi.org/10.2196/81572
5. Tihei Mauri Ora – Supporting whānau through suicidal distress - HE2424. HealthEd https://healthed.govt.nz/products/tihei-mauri-ora-supporting-whanau-through-suicidal-distress
6. Getting support for suicidal feelings. NHS https://www.merseycare.nhs.uk/health-and-wellbeing/suicide-prevention/suicidal-feelings/getting-support-suicidal-feelings
7. Supporting someone in distress or with suicidal thoughts. Royal College of Psychiatrists https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/supporting-someone-with-suicidal-thoughts
8. How to support someone you're worried about. Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/how-support-someone-youre-worried-about/
9. Help Someone Else. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/
10. Risk factors for suicidal thoughts and behaviors: A meta-analysis of 50 years of research. Franklin and others · Psychological Bulletin · 2017 https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000084

Source: https://coupletools.com/learn/when-your-partner-is-in-crisis