Different levels of desire

Yes. Wanting different amounts of sex is common, and there's no 'normal' level to measure yourselves against. About one in four men and women in a sexual relationship reported a mismatch in interest in sex between partners¹. That figure is a rough guide and may look different where you live.

There's no right or wrong level of libido, and no 'normal' frequency of sex: some people want it every day, others once a year or not at all². Libido varies a lot from person to person, depends on preferences and life circumstances, and goes up and down over time². Changes in desire are especially common in long-term relationships⁴.

Everyday life plays its part too. Lower desire is often linked to relationship issues, stress or tiredness³. So a quiet patch may say more about a heavy month than about the two of you.

Normal doesn't mean easy, though. Differences in desire are among the main reasons couples seek therapy, and they're described as an inevitable part of relationships that can be hard to navigate⁵. That's a good reason to talk about it early, kindly and without keeping score.

So try swapping "how much is normal?" for "what do each of us want, and what feels good to both of us?" That question has an answer that fits you two.

Most do something, and the approaches that tend to be rated helpful involve both partners. Common ones are masturbation, a different sexual activity, talking, having sex despite lower desire, and doing nothing⁵. Doing nothing was usually rated unhelpful, while at least half of those who did something together, such as talking, having sex or another activity, found it very helpful⁵. These are what couples say helps, not proven fixes, so think of them as ideas to try.

A few things to try:

• Talk about what's behind it, for each of you, rather than letting it sit.
• Build closeness that isn't sex. Couples can increase intimacy and physical affection without having sex², such as hugs, cuddling and time alone.
• Reserve time to talk each week. Couples who do this, and who have regular time alone, are more likely to stay close and feel sexual interest⁶. Choosing a time before exhaustion sets in also helps⁶.
• Ask whether your interests have changed, and whether there's something you could explore or expand together⁴.
• Check in rather than pressure. Feelings about sex differ between people and change over time, so both of you should feel ready and comfortable⁷.

Sex should only happen if you want it. No one should pressure, guilt or force a partner into sexual activity⁸. If one of you feels pressured, guilty or unsafe, that's a consent issue, not a desire difference to work around. Speak to someone you trust or a health professional.