End-of-life planning together

Choose a time and place where you won't be disturbed, and open with a question that lets your partner say how they feel¹. Pick a moment when you both have time, space and full attention; important conversations are no easier when you're rushed or distracted². A question such as "Do you think we should talk about the future?" leaves them free to decide whether to talk, and what to raise².

Don't try to cover everything at once. Take it slowly, respond to what your partner wants to talk about, and plan to talk several times^2,3. There is no right or wrong way to begin, and different approaches work for different people¹.

The tone you take matters. Gentle, indirect openers suit raising the subject sensitively. More direct questions, such as "what if" ones, tend to work better once a decision is close and talk needs more encouragement⁴. This advice comes mostly from health settings and from pages written for people living with illness and their carers, so use it as a starting point rather than a script.

Strong feelings are normal here. Tears, anger or even laughter can all come up¹.

Advance care planning is an ongoing process in which an adult, at any age or stage of health, thinks about and shares their values, life goals and preferences for future medical care, and can record them if they wish⁵. It covers broad values, such as comfort, independence and dignity, as well as specific treatments⁵.

It is more than writing a document. Many people think it means only creating a written advance directive, but it also means telling family or friends what you value and want⁷. Both conversations and documentation matter: recording your wishes helps make sure care matches them⁵, and approaches that included communication, not just paperwork, were linked with a better match between preferences and the care delivered⁶. Where it's appropriate, preparing the person who might speak for you is a key part⁵.

Because it's a process, expect to come back to it. Your wishes can be revisited over time, especially when health or circumstances change⁵.

The documents involved, and what they are called, differ by country. Your health service or a qualified adviser can explain what applies where you live.

Legacy can go well beyond money or property. An "ethical will" is a non-legal way to share your values, beliefs, life lessons, love and hope for the future, in any format⁸. People often write one to be remembered, to clarify life's meaning and to say what matters most, and it is often described as a gift to both writer and reader⁸.

To open the conversation, choose a prompt or two and take turns answering. Topics might include how you'd like to be remembered, funeral wishes and arrangements for any dependents². If speaking feels overwhelming, say so and suggest talking again another time, or write a letter, make a video or fill a memory box instead¹. No set format is needed⁸.

Decide together whether you'd share what you write while you're both alive or keep it for later. Some advice recommends sharing while alive, and some writers prefer to share after their death⁸.

Keep it kind. A legacy letter can hurt the person reading it if it's written to punish or control, or to reopen family feuds, especially if it can only be read after you've died⁸.

Who receives what is a question for a qualified adviser, who can explain how wills work where you live.

It depends on the provider and on the law where you live. Without a plan, digital records may not be discovered for a long time, or at all⁹. Some providers give an account's content to authorised persons, some won't disclose it even to family, and some close accounts after a period of inactivity⁹. The law is far less clear than for physical property, and it is still evolving⁹.

There is more at stake than you might expect. Digital assets can have financial value, such as online payment accounts and loyalty points, or sentimental value, such as personal emails and photos⁹. After a sudden death, heirs may not know what accounts existed, and the assets can be lost¹². Many people don't record which services they use in a will or with their solicitor¹⁰.

Some steps to take:

• List your accounts. Make a list of your digital records and online accounts, and make sure your executor has it or knows where to find it⁹.
• Tell each other. Ask whether your loved ones know which accounts you have and how to reach them if you die¹¹.
• Think about privacy. Decide whether you want family reading your personal emails, or would rather some things stay private⁹.
• Put your wishes in a will. Consult a professional will-maker, because there are many legal rules on how wills are interpreted⁹.

After a death, cancelling or transferring a service needs the death certificate. It is usually done by the next of kin, spouse or executor, and the process differs from one service to the next¹⁰.