Having difficult conversations

Start gently, say what you feel and need, and let your partner answer. How direct to be depends on the issue. Raising a problem head-on tends to work best when it's serious and your partner is able, or feels able, to change it¹. It can backfire when the issue is minor, because it can feel harsh and leave your partner feeling put down¹. And if your partner would probably get defensive, a softer, affectionate approach can be the better bet¹.

So before you start, ask yourself two quick questions: how big is this, and can my partner actually do something about it?

Then a few things help:

• Open gently. Going on the attack rarely achieves a positive outcome².
• Use "I" statements. "I feel…", "I need…" and "I want…" say what's going on for you and take responsibility for your own feelings, without a charge sheet of their faults³.
• Leave room for their reply. Listen, and show you understand their point of view⁴.

There's no perfect script, and no one-size-fits-all answer¹. You're allowed to be a bit clumsy. The sock on the floor can wait until you've found your words.

A bad time is when you're tired, stressed, rushed or short of privacy, or in the middle of an argument. Guidance on difficult talks suggests steering clear of them when either of you is tired or stressed, when you've been drinking or using drugs, or during an argument⁵. It also suggests a time when you won't feel rushed and will have plenty of privacy⁵. For talks about sex, the advice is to avoid bed and the time just before or after sex⁵. A quiet evening may suit better than the middle of a busy morning⁴.

If you're really angry, be ready to take time out and calm down before you raise it³. The same goes if it's hard to talk calmly: pause, and talk again when you're both feeling calmer⁶.

It also helps to ask yourself whether the issue needs action now. If it doesn't, you can watch how it develops over time⁷. But don't park it forever. Wanting to avoid hard conversations is common, and avoiding them can lead to stress, resentment and a bigger conflict that's harder to sort out⁷.

If saying it out loud feels too hard, try setting aside a regular time to talk, or write down how you feel in a message or letter⁶.

Calm down first, then talk. If a conversation turns heated, take a break and come back when you're both calmer^3,6. Settling back to an even keel tends to put couples in a better position to solve problems creatively, understand each other's side and respond to each other's attempts to repair things⁸. Partners can also help calm each other down⁸. You don't have to hide every negative feeling: what matters is how you respond to it and how long you stay stuck in it⁸.

Handling stress as a team seems to help too. Couples who support each other under stress tend to be more satisfied, and positive forms of support are linked with satisfaction more strongly than negative ones⁹. Couples who cope with stress in hostile or ambivalent ways report more destructive communication and conflict resolution, and more dissatisfaction¹⁰. A simple pattern is: one of you says they're stressed, the other notices and responds, and then you work out what to do together¹⁰.

If your partner gets upset, give them time to settle, and be willing to pause or offer sympathy⁷. Staying calm yourself makes it easier to manage your own emotions⁷.