Making time for each other

Both seem to matter, and you don't have to pick a side. In cohabiting adults, the amount of time spent together was linked with relationship satisfaction, whatever the activity¹. Yet in married couples, simply doing an activity together didn't noticeably raise satisfaction². So hours alone aren't the whole story.

What does seem to count is how the time feels. Shared activities that were satisfying, stress-free and brought people closer were linked with better relationship quality, both at the time and later on³. People also report more happiness and meaning, and less stress, with a spouse than when apart⁴.

Two things are worth knowing. How good the relationship is shapes whether time together helps: even fairly neutral relationships were linked with lower well-being than being unpartnered⁵. And if things are very tense between you, more time together may not help at first and can create more chances for conflict⁶. These findings are links, not proof that time causes closeness, and no ideal number of hours has been shown.

A simple test: after an evening together, do you feel a bit closer? If not, change the activity rather than adding guilt.

Make them a regular, planned habit that you both want and that fits your budget and diary. Advice is to do at least one planned activity every week, and to expect excitement to take a little time to build⁷. A weekly date where you take turns planning keeps it fair and keeps it fresh⁷.

A few things help it stick:

• Agree a regular slot, such as one evening a week.
• Make a shared list of ideas that are realistic for cost and time, then pick from it⁷.
• Check you both want to do it. Shared activities seemed to sustain relationship quality only when both partners were responsive and wanted to take part³.
• Don't worry that planning kills spontaneity. A plan can set the stage for natural, unprompted moments⁸.

If you have children, free time is often scarce: parents share less time with a spouse than non-parents do⁴. Sharing housework and childcare is one suggested way to make room for each other⁹.

And if a full date night is too much right now, adding small everyday shared time may be simpler for many couples⁶.

Keep connection going through small everyday habits, rather than waiting for a big block of free time. Stress tends to be a threat to relationship satisfaction, so busy stretches are exactly when small habits earn their keep¹¹.

Ideas to try:

• Check in. Even a few moments spent noticing each other and asking how you're feeling can make a difference when time is short, as it is for parents of young children¹⁰.
• Do small things together: make each other a cup of tea, do the washing up side by side, take a short walk, make eye contact, hold hands¹⁰.
• Say the good bits out loud. When things feel hard it's easy to forget them, so mention it when your partner is clearly trying their best¹⁰.
• Share the housework and childcare, which frees up time for each other⁹.

After a baby, going out together gets much harder, and one partner may feel left out or resentful⁹. Naming that early, and doing little things that make each other feel cared for and included, can help⁹.

None of this needs to take long. A minute a day, used well, beats an hour you never find.

Any at-home date works best if you both want to be there, it's relaxed, and it brings you closer³. Add a little novelty where you can: exciting shared activities have been linked with higher relationship quality⁸, while the familiar dinner-and-a-film routine may give only a temporary boost⁸.

Some ideas:

• Cook your partner's favourite meal, light some candles and curl up with a film afterwards. It's especially nice if one of you doesn't usually cook⁷.
• Pretend you've just met. Sit down at your own kitchen table as if it's a first date. It's silly, and silly is good⁷.
• Take turns planning a weekly at-home date, and try something new now and then⁷.
• Keep a shared list of ideas that fit your cost and time, and pick one when the evening comes⁷.
• Switch off the phones, and the telly too unless it's your film, so you give each other your full attention⁷.