Meaning, values and spirituality

It isn't clear yet how values compare directly with shared interests, but values seem to count for a lot. In married couples, similarity in personality and values is linked more strongly to how the relationship is going than similarity in attitudes and religiosity¹. And seeing your partner as sharing your values and your ideals for the relationship is linked more closely to relationship quality than seeing them as similar in traits².

One kind of value stands out: caring about other people and their welfare. Across several studies of romantic couples, holding these values was consistently linked to higher relationship quality³. The link seems to run through willingness to make sacrifices for each other and wanting to be in the relationship for its own sake³.

Keep it in proportion. The links are small to moderate, and they can't show that values cause happier couples³. Value similarity is one factor among several, not a decisive one⁴. Couples who share a religious affiliation also tend to report higher marital satisfaction and stability than couples who don't, though that isn't a direct test of values⁵.

So if one of you loves hiking and the other loves the sofa, you're allowed to relax. Treat interests and values as two separate conversations, and spend a little time on the second: how you want to treat people, what you want your life to stand for, and what you want your relationship to be.

Mostly by being curious about each other, out loud. For couples with different religious beliefs, openly discussing and learning about each other's beliefs helps them understand and accept their differences⁶. Try open questions: what do you believe, what gives your life meaning, and why? Listen to learn rather than to persuade.

Support helps too. Backing a partner's practices and beliefs, while staying flexible about how, is linked with less relational distress in interfaith marriages⁶. You don't have to join in to be supportive.

If you can't share a conviction, look for the value underneath it. One partner can admire the other's honesty, care or integrity, and say so, even without sharing the belief that goes with it⁶. Some couples with different faiths build mutual respect, tolerance and shared values in place of religious unity⁵.

Where spirituality is shared, it is described as giving a couple a sense of shared meaning and commitment, and a way to see hard times as meaningful rather than only threatening⁷. Seeing marriage as sacred has been linked with more positive behaviour between spouses⁸. Prayer may also have negative effects, though, so don't treat any spiritual practice as a sure route to a better relationship⁹.

You don't need a faith for any of this. "What gives your life meaning?" is a fair question whatever your answer is.