New experiences together

Because newness makes you feel like you're growing, and doing it together ties that feeling to your partner. The idea behind this is called self-expansion: broadening yourself through new activities, skills and perspectives, something close relationships are thought to drive a lot of¹. As a partner becomes familiar, there are fewer fresh perspectives and surprises, so exciting shared activities may help long-term couples top it back up².

There's some backing for this. Doing self-expanding activities with a long-term partner is linked with higher sexual desire, which is in turn linked with greater relationship satisfaction, and the satisfaction benefits seemed to last rather than vanish the next day³. Simply believing your relationship can keep growing also predicted satisfaction and commitment two months later¹.

The picture is mixed, though. In married couples, simply doing a shared activity, whether exciting or just pleasant, didn't significantly lift satisfaction compared with doing nothing special⁴. And novel shared activities reliably cut boredom without consistently lifting satisfaction⁵. So the takeaway isn't "spend more hours side by side". It's to try things that feel fresh and engaging to you both. How big the effect is isn't clear yet.

A getaway can be, especially if it includes something new, though the case is promising rather than proven. Being happy with your holidays is linked with how good the relationship feels and how committed you are, and that link looked the same for couples who live together, who don't and who are married^6,7. That's a link, not proof that a trip causes a better relationship. Couples who did more self-expanding things, such as road trips, adventurous sports or learning a skill together, also reported more satisfaction on those days and three months later^5,3.

For couples retreats in particular, how well they work and whether they're good value isn't clear yet. Reviews of residential health retreats for adults found gains that were reported to last after people went home, but some measures faded over time, and part of any getaway's glow may simply come from being away from normal routines⁸. So don't count on one trip to do all the work.

If you go, build in something new or a little challenging to do together, and pick a budget and length of trip that's realistic for both of you. A cheap local adventure may do a lot of the same job.

Plan them together, starting with what each of you wants. Shared activities tended to help the relationship only when both partners wanted to share them and were responsive to each other⁹. Activities that were satisfying, stress-free and made partners feel closer predicted better relationship quality, both at the time and later on⁹. So "one of us planned, the other turned up" is a weaker recipe than it sounds.

A simple way to do it:

• Each say what you'd like from the trip before anyone opens a booking site. Rest, views, food, a challenge, nothing at all.
• Ask each other's views and be open to compromise. Leave a pause for the other person to answer, and listen¹⁰.
• Agree the practical bits up front: when, where, rough cost and how long.
• Mix something a bit challenging with something relaxing, so the plan stays manageable and nobody ends up exhausted.

If you want different things, you don't have to pick a winner. Alternate whose idea leads, or build one day around each of your wishes.

Start separately, then merge. Each of you writes your own ideas first, so one person's enthusiasm doesn't drown out the other's. Then share them and choose the items you both want. Big dreams (a long train journey, a sunrise hike) are lovely, but mix in small, cheap ones too, so the list stays realistic for your time and money.

A list only counts once it turns into plans. For each item you pick, write down the details and agree a time and place. Joint effort tends to pay off when it actually gets somewhere, not just when it's well meant¹¹, so a dated "pottery class, second Saturday" beats "someday, pottery".

You can also keep a few wild cards. Let each of you pick one item the other has to try with an open mind. Then review the list now and then: cross things off, add new ones, and quietly retire anything neither of you fancies any more.

It can be, as one kind of new activity. Couples who did more self-expanding things, including learning a skill together such as a cooking class, reported feeling more satisfied with their relationship on those days and three months later⁵. That's an association, though, and the research looks at novel activities in general rather than classes specifically, so treat it as a promising idea, not a guarantee.

To make it work for you, choose something you're both curious about, so neither of you is just going along. Start small: a one-off class or workshop lets you see how it feels for both of you before you sign up for a ten-week commitment.

Expect to be differently good at it. One of you may pick it up faster, and that's fine; you're there to try something new together, not to be graded. A little teasing about your wobbly first attempt is allowed, as long as you're both laughing.

Talk before you go, and keep the talking kind while you're away. Couples facing a big shared change, such as a move, tend to cope better when they discuss the expected challenges beforehand, so they set realistic expectations and can support each other¹². That advice is about relocating, but it's a sensible habit for a trip too. Before you leave, ask each other what you expect and what might be hard: money, pace, how much time together and apart.

When tension builds, wait for a calmer moment rather than rowing in the queue. Ask each other's views, stay open to compromise, and give the other person time to answer¹⁰. Talk about how you feel using "I": "I'm getting tired and I'd like to stop for a bit" lands better than "you never let us rest". Listening matters as much as talking¹³.

Agree some phone-free time together, so the trip is actually shared. And if you're heading abroad, check whether your health insurance covers care there, and look at travel advisories for your destination¹⁴.