Reactivity and triggers

Usually because something presses on a sore spot. Common ones are being treated unfairly and feeling powerless about it, not being respected (your feelings, your things, your say), and being interrupted when you're trying to get something done^1,2. Add a stressful week, habits you picked up in your family, or frightening events from the past, and the same small thing can hit harder¹. Some people also tend to expect rejection, and so read intentional rejection into ambiguous behaviour³.

Anger can be sneaky: it's not always easy to tell it's the reason you're acting differently¹. So learn your early signs, such as a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, a tight chest or feeling hot¹. Difficult feelings that build up can also come out as irritability, snappiness or withdrawal⁴, and avoiding talk about what's bothering you can leave you cross and irritable⁵.

A few things to try:

• Spot the early signs, then give yourself time to think: count to 10 and do some calming breathing¹.
• Calm down before you reply, then come back to the issue⁵.
• Don't let bothersome things go unsaid for long, and tell your partner when you're having a hard time^4,5.

If anger feels hard to manage, or stress, anxiety or depression is getting on top of you, it's worth talking to your doctor or another qualified health professional, who can point you to local support such as counselling¹.

Pause, and calm your body before you answer. In the heat of the moment the first thing that comes to mind can make things worse, and you may regret it later⁶. When you're angry, it's common to be flooded with unhelpful thoughts and to jump to conclusions that look less realistic once you're calmer⁶.

So give your body a minute. Count to 10, breathe slowly, or picture a relaxing scene; deep breathing and calming imagery can ease strong feelings and give you space to think^1,6.

If either of you is too angry to talk, take some cooling-off time and come back to the issue later^7,4. A break only works as a break if it has an end, so say when you'll be back. "I need twenty minutes, then let's try again" is a very different sentence from stomping off.

Once you're calmer, step back and ask yourself whether there's another way to look at the argument⁴. Then plan a solution together rather than arguing over who's to blame⁸. Couples who cope with stress in positive ways together tend to be more satisfied with their relationship, though that's a link, not proof that one causes the other⁹.

By choosing a calm moment, listening properly and owning your own part. Pick a time when you can talk about your feelings calmly, rather than straight after something has upset you⁵.

Then try these:

• Open with appreciation. Start with something you value about your partner before you raise a concern⁸.
• Keep it specific. Use an example rather than a general complaint, explain why it matters to you, say how it makes you feel, and deal with one problem at a time⁸.
• Listen to their side. There are two sides to every story⁷.
• Be an active listener. Repeat back what you heard, or ask for more detail if it's unclear. It helps your partner feel heard and can reduce conflict^4,10.
• Own your part. Say which bit of the problem is yours⁷.

Speaking openly about how you feel, and listening in turn, can strengthen a relationship, reduce relationship anxiety and help protect mental wellbeing⁴.

Coping as a team also seems to matter. Collaborative and supportive coping are linked with higher relationship satisfaction, and so is how each of you sees the other's coping, which counts for more than how you rate your own⁹.