Sleep as a couple

Sharing a bed changes your sleep rather than simply improving or wrecking it. Partner disturbance is a real thing in healthy couples who share a bed¹. Measures taken with equipment, such as actigraphy or polysomnography, often show people sleep better alone². Yet most people say they sleep better with their partner there, even when their measured sleep says otherwise^3,4. Feeling rested and measuring well aren't the same thing, and the duvet tug-of-war may not be the whole story.

Sleep also looks different, not just worse. In young, healthy couples used to sharing a bed, sleeping together went with more REM (dreaming) sleep, more awakenings and less deep sleep⁵.

Snoring is a common culprit: women sleeping with male snorers had lower sleep quality and more broken sleep³. In midlife women, snoring, night-time toilet trips and restlessness disturbed sleep most³. On average, women report sharing a bed as more disturbing than men do³, though your couple may look nothing like the average.

For most couples, sharing a bed is a compromise with slightly less than ideal sleep, and many accept that to protect the relationship³. That's a fine choice if you both make it.

Loud, persistent snoring can be a sign of an untreated sleep disorder, so it's worth raising with a doctor rather than just putting up with it².

To start, notice what actually disturbs your sleep (snoring, restlessness, bathroom trips, different bedtimes) and talk about it without blaming each other. Compare notes rather than trusting one impression.

Not in itself. Sleeping apart isn't necessarily a sign of an unhappy or unhealthy relationship³. What matters seems to depend on how you each tend to relate to a partner and how good the relationship is, not on the arrangement alone².

Sharing a bed does carry meaning for many couples. People link a partner's presence with comfort, warmth, security and calm, and some find it harder to fall asleep when their partner is away⁴. Sleeping together has also been described as bringing companionship, intimacy and trust⁶. On the other hand, stigma around the "marital bed" may lead some couples to share when sleeping apart might be healthier for both of them². Where a husband had untreated sleep apnoea, his wife's overall marital satisfaction was little affected, and for couples who chose to sleep apart it may have helped⁷.

Sleep and relationship troubles tend to turn up together, especially around big life events or changes, and the link is thought to run both ways³. Night owl and early riser pairs also tend to report more conflict and less sex than matched pairs³, so mismatched schedules may be worth talking about whichever bed you're in.

How sleeping apart plays out over time isn't clear yet, so try something and check in. Sleeping apart some nights or all the time is a choice you can agree on together and revisit.