Staying friends and staying curious

Because it's what tends to last. Friendship is described as the basis of successful long-term relationships¹. Mature, or companionate, love is described as a blend of friendship, attraction, companionship and commitment: the kind with staying power, though it still needs work to grow². In it, partners are friends and lovers, care about each other's wellbeing as well as their own, and accept their differences².

Fun is part of the friendship. Doing enjoyable things together is described as a kind of glue, whereas 'deep and meaningful' talks about couple issues can slide into disagreements that leave you both feeling worse¹. That doesn't mean dodging honest conversations. Respect and open, honest conversation are named as key ingredients of healthy relationships, and people in healthy, supportive relationships are more likely to be happier and healthier³.

New things seem to help too. Activities that stretch you both, such as learning a skill or travelling together, are linked with higher satisfaction in established couples⁴. It isn't guaranteed: a novel shared experience may do its best work by making time together less boring and bringing you closer, rather than lifting satisfaction directly⁵. Treat companionate love and self-expansion as handy ways of thinking about it, not settled science.

So make room for things you do just for the fun of it, and keep the honest talks too.

Keep learning new things about each other, and keep doing new things together. In the self-expansion model, passion early on comes from continually discovering new things about a partner, and it eases as they become fully part of how you see yourself⁷. Familiarity is cosy; it can also get quiet.

Novelty is the most direct fix on offer. In established couples, doing self-expanding activities together is linked with higher desire, desire fuelled this way is linked with greater satisfaction, and the satisfaction benefits last over time⁴. A brief online programme that gave couples ideas for exciting activities and encouraged about 90 minutes a week of shared exciting activity increased relationship excitement⁶.

A few ways to start:

• Pick things you both like, then try one regularly: a class, a day trip, a new neighbourhood.
• Do the new thing together, rather than only talking about it.
• Keep some time for just the two of you.
• Listen for the feeling, not only the facts. Reading a partner's thoughts and feelings accurately has a small link with satisfaction⁸.

One caution: curiosity isn't checking up. Stay curious about each other, but respectful too¹.

Ask, and listen to the answer instead of assuming you already have it. In a long relationship it's easy to think you know all there is to know, but people change, so it helps to understand who your partner is and where they are now¹.

Some ways in:

• Ask what they enjoy most these days. It may not be what they enjoyed five years ago.
• Take turns planning a regular date night, so each of you gets to surprise the other.
• Ask how they like affection shown. We tend to give what we'd hope to receive, but they may prefer gifts, quality time, a note or a cooked meal¹. People show and feel love in different ways, and many find their partner's style differs from their own².
• Pay attention to the harder feelings. Reading a partner's negative emotions accurately is more closely related to satisfaction than reading positive ones⁸.

More sharing isn't automatically better. People tend to weigh the benefits and costs of telling a partner things, such as sexual information, and keep some privacy⁹. Let your partner choose what to share, and when.

Expect change, and keep talking about it. Relationships change, so it helps to notice how, stay flexible and let the relationship grow and adapt as you both change¹.

The NHS suggests a few habits that fit well:

• Listen actively: repeat back what you've heard, or ask for more detail if it's unclear.
• Check in regularly, which makes it easier to handle challenges as they come up rather than letting them build³.
• Set a regular time to talk, or write down how you feel if it's hard to say out loud³.
• Take time out if a talk gets heated, and come back when you're both calmer³.

Hard stretches can make people irritable, snappy or withdrawn, and being open and honest about it helps everyone feel supported³. If your partner seems different, it may be the stress rather than the person.

When roles or circumstances shift, talk about what each of you expects now. Unrealistic expectations, rather than your partner, can be behind dissatisfaction, and expectations can be adjusted to suit the relationship if you want it to last². Part of mature love is being realistic about each other and accepting your differences².