Criticism, contempt and the other warning signs

The "four horsemen" are four unhelpful ways of handling conflict: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The name borrows from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the New Testament¹. The habits themselves are far more ordinary than the name suggests.

• Criticism is a direct attack on your partner, and it isn't the same as complaining². It goes after their character rather than the problem¹.
• Contempt goes further: it takes a position of moral superiority over your partner¹.
• Defensiveness is usually a reaction to criticism².
• Stonewalling is shutting down when you're overwhelmed².

Contempt is the horseman most strongly linked with later divorce, and the best-known predictions put their accuracy at 83% to 94%³. Those predictions have rarely been tested on new, independent groups of couples, and accuracy drops substantially when they are³. Wider research points the same general way: criticism and hostility go with dissatisfaction, and in some studies hostile disagreement goes with later declines in satisfaction⁴. Still, these are average patterns, and how strong they look depends on who was studied and how the conflict was set up⁵.

So use the four names as a way to notice, not as a verdict. Pick out which one tends to turn up when a conversation goes badly, and talk about it when you're both calm. Being critical or defensive now and then doesn't mean a relationship is doomed.

Complain without blame. A soft or gentle start-up is built on two questions: what do I feel, and what do I need?¹ Then stay on the specific problem rather than your partner's character¹. "You're hopeless with the dishwasher" is criticism. "I feel stressed when the dishes pile up, and I need us to sort them before bed" is a complaint.

I-statements fit nicely. The format is "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___", and it lets you own your feelings while helping your partner see how things land for you⁶.

A warm background helps a complaint land. Other suggested habits are focusing on what you love about each other, paying compliments, doing things you both enjoy, looking at things from your partner's point of view, and saying sorry when you're in the wrong².

Being direct isn't always better, though. Direct pushback tended to improve relationship quality when problems were serious, but lowered it when they were minor, where it can feel unnecessarily harsh⁴. It can also backfire with a partner who's low in mood or feels less able to respond⁴. So go gently on small things and save the firmer conversations for what really matters.

Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws, shuts down and stops responding to their partner during conflict. It's described as a result of feeling flooded, so the person may not be able to talk things through rationally at that moment¹.

It matters because withdrawal, the "silent treatment", is linked with lower relationship satisfaction and wellbeing⁷. A pattern where one partner presses and the other pulls away is also moderately linked with poorer outcomes overall⁸.

What helps, if you notice yourself shutting down:

• Say so, rather than going quiet. Stop the discussion and ask for a break¹.
• Give it at least twenty minutes, which is how long the body is said to take to calm down¹.
• Come back once you feel ready, and agree that you will¹.
• If you can't think what to say, ask for time. Try "I can't answer that right now" or "I'll let you know when I've had a chance to think about it"⁶.

Intimacy may also help. In cohabiting couples, couples withdrew more after serious conflict, but the more intimacy they experienced, the less they withdrew⁷. Warm everyday closeness may make it easier to stay present when things get tense.