Problems you can't solve

Yes. Every couple hits problems, and ups and downs are a normal part of sharing a life^1,2. Many couples, perhaps most, never fully solve every problem. They find ways to live with them, because plenty of problems can only be solved to a degree³. The one who's always running late, the saver and the spender, the great thermostat debate: some of these simply come with the pair of you.

What seems to matter is how the problem gets handled. Constructive conflict feels respectful and fair, and leaves you understanding each other better. Destructive conflict leaves things unresolved, builds resentment and settles into a pattern of criticism, defensiveness, shutting the other person out or contempt⁴. Recurring arguments that are never resolved are listed as an early sign that a relationship could use some support². So is the "here we go again" feeling, which is linked with loneliness, hurt and disappointment¹.

So a repeat argument isn't proof that something is wrong with you or the relationship. Try asking each other: is this one we can solve, or one we need to find a way to live with? Then listen to the tone as well as the topic. Respect, fairness and feeling heard are what you're after.

You don't have to agree fully. A good first move is to look for a win-win, and if there isn't one, a compromise that meets at least some of what each of you needs.

To find a win-win, step back from quick "solutions" and work out what each person actually needs⁵. The words "I want the flat tidy" and "I want to unwind when I get home" can turn out to be two needs that fit together. If they don't, a middle ground can work, because people are often happy to accept a compromise when they can see it's fair and the best solution available⁵. Negotiating a clash of goals well is also linked with better outcomes on those goals⁶.

Some differences won't shift at all, and then acceptance is another route. Practical guidance suggests accepting and valuing differences in your partner, since we often pick people who have qualities we'd like more of ourselves¹. For each difference, it helps to decide together whether you're trying to find a solution or to accept it and work around it.

How you go about it counts too. Hostility is linked with lower relationship satisfaction, while intimacy and problem solving are linked with higher satisfaction⁷. Aim for a collaborative, supportive tone, even when you're disagreeing.