Debt and money stress

Money stress tends to wear on relationships, but how much seems to depend on how you two feel about your finances. In different-sex couples, tight money was linked with lower relationship satisfaction mainly when partners were unhappy with their finances. When they felt fine about them, it made no negative difference. Good communication between partners may also soften the effect¹.

Money disagreements seem to affect a relationship through how couples argue and how satisfied they feel, rather than through the disagreement itself². Talking less about money is linked with managing it less well together, and with more conflict about it³. That is an association, not proof of cause.

Debt is also linked with poorer mental health, including depression⁴. It is hard to prove which causes which^4,5. Most of this evidence is about individuals, not couples, so use it as a prompt to look after each other, not as a verdict on your relationship.

Signs that money stress is taking a toll include arguing about money with the people closest to you, difficulty sleeping, anger, fear, low mood or mood swings, tiredness, aches and pains, withdrawing from others, and delaying healthcare because of cost⁶. Check in with each other about these. If you feel depressed or anxious about your finances, it's important to seek support from a health professional⁶.

Start by talking about money openly and early, then build a shared picture of what you earn, spend and owe. Talking early helps you understand how each of you thinks and makes decisions, and tackling money questions together can stop small things becoming big issues⁷. You don't have to share every detail at once. You can build up as you go.

Some steps to try:

• Pick a calm time, and start small instead of trying to cover everything in one go.
• Each write down your own income, regular expenses, debts and loans, then put them side by side. You are probably in different financial situations, and that's normal⁷.
• List every debt, arrear and credit payment, with its paperwork. Then work out your disposable income: total income less total expenditure⁸.
• Deal with rent or mortgage arrears first if you have them, to avoid losing your home. That advice comes from a UK council handbook, and debt rules differ elsewhere, so check how they apply where you live⁸.
• Make sure you can both see and get into the accounts your household depends on, however you split your money.

Couples who cope with stress together tend to be more satisfied with their relationship, though that link doesn't show that one causes the other⁹. Treat the debt as something you work through side by side, and keep checking in on how each of you is feeling.

A free financial counsellor is a good first place to look. If you and your partner need help with debt or budgeting, you can see one⁷. In many high-income countries these services are freely available, usually funded by governments, and help people with debt and with getting the benefits and other support they are entitled to¹⁰.

It's worth asking about benefits. An estimated 40%–80% of eligible recipients miss out, often through lack of awareness, system complexity or stigma¹⁰.

Examples of what exists: in the UK, advice charities offer free debt advice and benefit checks⁸, and one charity service helps people in financial need find welfare benefits, grants and other help online, by phone or face to face¹¹. In Australia, free financial counselling is available through national debt-help and charity services⁶. What is free and available differs from country to country.

Some practical steps:

• Search for a free, government-backed or non-profit financial counselling or debt advice service in your country, and be wary of anyone who charges for basic debt advice.
• Ask whether you qualify for support you aren't claiming.
• Bring your list of debts, arrears and income to the first appointment.
• Go together if you can. Or one of you can go first and share what you learn.