Deciding whether to stay

Yes. Feeling unsure about a relationship, even from one day to the next, is a normal part of weighing whether to stay^1,2. In dating couples, dips in commitment were common, and many couples recovered, at least over the short term¹.

If you feel torn, your feelings may swing more than other people's. People who felt more ambivalent had bigger day-to-day changes in commitment and in thoughts of breaking up. They felt more motivated to stay on days with more positive moments, and more motivated to leave on days with more negative ones^2,3. So one hard day may not tell you much.

Two things you could notice:

• How often the doubts come, and how strong they are. In dating couples, frequent and intense doubts were more linked with breakup¹. That isn't a guide to your own decision, but it's worth keeping an eye on.
• Whether they follow good and bad days. If they do, give it a little time before treating a low point as an answer.

If you're thinking about a short break to think, one idea is a week or two away, perhaps with a friend, mainly for reflection⁴. A break may give the person taking it some clarity, but it's likely to be stressful, unsettling and destabilising for their partner⁴. If you take one, think ahead about how you'll look after that side of it.

Doubts that come with fear are a different matter: see the last section.

It helps to treat it as its own situation, not as ordinary relationship work. Couples who differ in how committed they are are known to therapists as "mixed agenda" couples, and counsellors see them routinely⁵. A traditional couples therapy approach may miss chances to help them make a clear, deliberate decision about the future⁵.

One option is to ask a qualified counsellor about services designed for couples in this position. Discernment counselling is described as helping a person decide whether to continue in the relationship or leave⁶.

If you're the one who wants to stay, you don't have to carry it alone. Talk through your feelings with a friend, a family member or a counsellor. Even if it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do, talking to someone could help you find a way forward⁷.

If you're the one who wants to leave, or who is unsure, remember how much your partner is carrying too. Be as honest and kind as you can, and take care over how you describe any time apart, because a break is likely to be hard on them⁴.

Whichever of you you are, it can help to give each other room to say where you stand without trying to win the conversation.

Keep conflict between you away from your children. Low conflict between parents is described as critical to children's wellbeing after separation or divorce, and conflict can harm children even where there is no abuse⁸. Being around conflict can hurt a child's self-worth and self-esteem⁹. Children of divorced parents who had collaborative co-parenting were linked with fewer psychological symptoms¹⁰.

Some things to try:

• Keep arguments out of earshot. Don't argue where your children can hear, and don't speak negatively about their other parent where they can overhear⁸.
• Settle disagreements privately. Use a phone call, email or text, and ask a counsellor, mediator or similar adviser to help if that doesn't work⁸.
• Don't put children in the middle. No taking sides, carrying messages, judging or spying. It can be very upsetting and can damage their relationship with both parents⁹.
• Look after your own feelings first. You're ready to help your child when you can shift your focus from your own feelings about what happened to your child's welfare⁹.
• Reassure only about what you can make happen, ideally together with their other parent, and tell them they are not to blame⁹.

Legal advisers, counsellors, mediators, parenting coordinators and parenting coaches can help separated parents find new ways to parent together⁸. If a child's behaviour changes, such as misbehaving at school or falling out with friends, it may be a sign they are finding it hard to express distress. Talking with them, and contacting a doctor, school counsellor or other health professional if needed, can help⁹.