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At a glance
- A check-up is routine maintenance: like a dental appointment, it's for keeping things healthy and catching small problems early.
- It looks at strengths as well as concerns, so it isn't only a list of what's gone wrong.
- Blind spots build quietly, which is why a regular check-in beats waiting for a crisis.
- A few honest questions are a good start, and you can ask them at home.
What is a relationship check-up?
A relationship check-up is a short assessment-and-feedback visit, modelled on an annual physical or dental checkup1. Like those, it's for routine maintenance and spotting problems early, not only for couples already in distress1. No one has to be on fire to book one.
In the best-known version, the Marriage Checkup, there are two sessions: one to assess the couple and one to give feedback1. In the feedback session, the provider goes over your history and strengths, sums up your questionnaire scores and addresses your concerns, then offers a menu of options and asks for your own ideas too1. Online versions work on the same principle: each partner fills in a questionnaire, it's scored automatically, and you get feedback on your strengths and challenges. For some couples, the report simply shows they're doing okay or can fine-tune things themselves3.
Expect a modest boost, not a makeover. The benefits to intimacy, feeling accepted and satisfaction tend to be small to medium1, and a check-up may improve how a couple functions for up to six months2. It seemed to help about equally whether it was therapist-guided or self-directed, and whether couples were distressed or doing well2. It's designed for maintenance and early detection, not as a treatment for couples already in serious difficulty1.
To get the most from one, think about your strengths as a couple as well as your worries, and bring your own ideas for what might help.
How do you spot your relationship's blind spots?
Start by asking each other good questions, and keep asking. Blind spots tend to grow quietly: couples often don't see themselves as distressed until negative interactions have piled up past a tipping point1.
Some early signs are worth noticing:
- Living parallel lives, arguments that go round and round without being resolved, or a sense that the feelings have faded4.
- Concerns you can't resolve, communication breaking down, or one of you feeling unsupported5.
- Arguing often, or avoiding talking about problems5.
Then get curious. Ask yourselves what causes conflict between you (is it that you're not listening to each other?), what you don't talk about and what stops you, and how you'd like your communication to be different6. Checking in regularly makes challenges easier to manage as they come up, instead of letting them build7. When you listen, repeat back what you heard or ask for more detail7. When you raise something, use "I feel…" rather than "You are…", and find out the facts instead of guessing at motives6.
If you'd like a structured outside view, an online or provider-led check-up can give you feedback on your strengths and challenges3.
When to get more help
A check-up is a way to keep things healthy, not a substitute for counselling.
If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.
Common questions
Is a relationship check-up the same as couples counselling?
No. A check-up is a short assessment-and-feedback visit for routine maintenance and spotting problems early, much like a health or dental checkup. It isn't counselling, therapy or crisis support. For some couples it simply shows they're doing fine, or can fine-tune things on their own.
Can we do a relationship check-up ourselves at home?
You can do a home version. Set aside a regular time, each answer a few questions about conflict, what goes unsaid and how you'd like to communicate, then share and listen. Online questionnaires that score automatically and give feedback on strengths and challenges are another option if you'd like more structure.
What questions should we ask each other in a state-of-the-union conversation?
Try: What causes conflict between us? What don't we talk about, and what stops us? How would we like our communication to be different? Jot down your answers privately, then share them. These are a friendly starting point rather than a tested script, so add your own.
Sources
- 1.The Marriage Checkup: a randomized controlled trial of annual relationship health checkupsCordova and others · Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology · 2014
- 2.Checking up on Couples-A Meta-Analysis of the Effect of Assessment and Feedback on Marital Functioning and Individual Mental Health in CouplesFentz and Trillingsgaard · Journal of Marital and Family Therapy · 2017
- 3.'Check ups' help with healthy relationshipsGriffith News · 2007
- 4.Relationship support servicesBetter Health Channel
- 5.Building and maintaining healthy relationshipsHealthdirect Australia · 2026
Show all 7 sources
- 6.Relationships and communicationBetter Health Channel · 2001
- 7.Maintaining healthy relationships and mental wellbeingNHS
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Related guides
- GuideTestCouples therapy and counsellingCouples therapy tends to help the average couple, though some gain little, so it's worth asking how progress will be checked. Getting help early, when the same argument keeps coming back, is the usual advice. It isn't the right route where there's abuse or fear, and a good fit with the therapist matters.
- GuideTestDeciding whether to stayWondering whether to stay is common, and feeling torn from one day to the next is part of weighing it up. If you disagree, a qualified counsellor can tell you about services designed for couples in that position. If you separate, keep conflict away from children.
- GuideTestRelationship education and self-helpCourses and online programmes tend to help couples feel more satisfied and communicate better, and for many couples the gains last a year or more. Use them to practise together, not as a fix for deep problems or a promise of staying together. Apps have thinner evidence than web-based programmes.
Read next
This guide is general information about relationships, not counseling or therapy, and not advice about your own situation.