Grief and loss as a couple

Grief is a very individual experience, and it can be hard to predict how you will feel¹. Feelings don't come in a set order. A feeling can return after you thought it was over, and some people never have some of them at all². Culture, personality and gender are among the things that shape how someone grieves³.

You also affect each other. Grief happens in a social setting, so partners are likely to influence each other's grieving⁴. When you share a loss, you may be dealing with different issues at different times, in different styles. That is far more common than grieving in step, and it can add pain when each of you expects the other to grieve the way you do⁵.

On average, women tend to show more of an intuitive style of grieving and men a more instrumental one, though not always. This may largely reflect social and cultural expectations rather than innate differences⁶. After a miscarriage, men on average cried less and felt less need to talk about it, though they did grieve⁷. After a pregnancy was ended because of a fetal abnormality, women whose grief didn't match their partner's tended to have higher grief scores⁸. Most of what is known about couples comes from pregnancy loss and bereaved parents, so take what fits you and leave the rest.

So don't assume your partner's grief should look like yours. Ask how they are doing and what they need, and say what you need. Let each of you grieve at your own pace.

By being honest with each other and facing the loss as a team. It's natural to want to shield your partner, but among bereaved parents, holding in grief for a partner's sake tended to backfire. One partner doing it was linked to more grief in both of them⁴.

Coping with the loss together is the better-supported alternative. Couples who cope with a shared stress together tend to be more satisfied in their relationship, and coping together has been reported to help couples work through grief⁹.

A few ways to do that:

• Share your thoughts and feelings, and listen to each other's needs. Your needs may be different¹⁰.
• Take turns caring for each other, so it isn't all on one person. Some bereaved parents found that being open about how they felt helped them stay close¹¹.
• Make time to listen when your partner wants to talk¹¹.
• Be honest if you need a break. "I don't want to talk about it right now. Let's talk later" is fair, as long as you do come back to it¹¹.
• Look beyond the two of you. If one of you wants to talk more than the other, family, friends or a counsellor can offer that person more support¹¹.