Keeping your relationship strong as parents

Keep small moments of attention going every day, and run things as a team. It helps to know the backdrop: on average, relationship satisfaction dips for both mothers and fathers in the first year or so after a baby arrives¹. Part of that may be ordinary change in early relationships, and part may be down to the birth itself^1,2. It's an average, not a verdict, and some parents report sudden gains in satisfaction after the birth². Tiredness and less time together make it harder to connect, whatever your relationship was like before³.

So think small. Try:

• a cup of tea made for each other, or the washing up done side by side
• eye contact and a real "how are you doing?"
• a walk, holding hands, or a cuddle before sleep⁴

Even a few moments of noticing each other and checking in can make a difference⁴. Say what you want, and what's bothering you, before resentment builds³.

Being a team matters too. How well you coparent is linked with how satisfied you are as a couple⁵. Couples who share parenting responsibilities, give each other timely emotional support and communicate well tend to have lower parenting stress and burnout⁶. And the stage when the children take up all your energy doesn't last forever³.

Start with whatever time you can realistically find, even a few moments, rather than waiting for a full evening out. Going out together is a lot harder after a baby³, so lower the bar: tea after bedtime, a walk, or a takeaway on the sofa all count.

In a three-month trial of parents, a weekly date night was linked with better life satisfaction, lower stress and higher relationship satisfaction⁷. The other groups, including team sport and individual activity, improved on the same measures, so the gain may come from having some personal time away from the children rather than from dates alone⁷. People in every group looked forward to their weekly slot, and the date-night and team-sport groups enjoyed it more than those doing an individual activity⁷.

Pick something you both want to do. Shared activities seem to sustain relationship quality only when both partners are dedicated to them⁸. In adults in relationships more generally, people who plan more exciting dates may get more closeness from them⁹.

Finding the time is a team job. Share housework and childcare so more time is free for the two of you³, and talk through what gets in the way, with the whole family if that fits¹⁰.

Protect small breaks, share the load, and don't make your partner your only support. Try giving each other ten minutes: a cup of tea in peace while the other parent does bath time or plays in the garden⁴. Where you can, share night feeds and early-morning tasks so you each get more rest¹¹. Share the load with your partner, family and friends, and accept help when it's offered¹².

Friends matter. Feeling lonely and cut off is common, especially with a first baby, and a partner can't provide all the support you need³. Support from the people around you, whether advice or practical help, is linked with lower parenting burnout⁶.

Be kind to yourself, too. Very high standards and being overly self-critical as a parent are a risk factor for burnout⁶. On average, mothers are more likely than fathers to report burnout, though that says nothing about the two of you⁶. In the date-night trial, regular personal time was linked with better life satisfaction and lower stress, whichever form it took⁷.

Most of the burnout research shows links rather than cause and effect. If exhaustion or low mood keeps going, talk to a doctor or other health professional.