Parenting a child with additional needs

Mostly through honest talk and by sharing the parenting between you. In couples raising a child with autism, two things stood out as keeping the relationship satisfying: open, honest communication, including working through conflict, and a strong partnership built on sharing parenting responsibilities¹.

Guidance for couples raising a disabled child puts communication at the centre. Take time to talk about feelings, thoughts, concerns, hopes and needs. Listen to understand, and try not to judge when your partner shares how they feel². You may also cope differently. One of you may focus on the problem and look for solutions, while the other focuses on feeling better about the situation, so acknowledging the feeling first can help².

Look at who does what. On average, mothers often take on the main responsibility for a child's physical and home care, and this has been linked with a risk of maternal overload^2,3. That may not describe you, so look at your own week together. If there's conflict over tasks, guidance suggests making them part of everyone's daily routine, adults and children, rather than nagging².

When blame creeps in, name it and remind each other that you're in this together².

This is worth the effort. Among parents of children with disabilities, higher parenting stress tends to go with lower marital quality, and stress from parenting can spill over into the couple relationship⁴. That is a link, not proof of cause, and it isn't yet clear which way it runs⁴.

Other parents and short breaks from caring are good places to start. Family caregivers of children with special health care needs use groups of parents whose children have similar needs, online parent forums, financial help and respite (temporary) care³.

Many conditions that affect children have a national support group, usually run by parents. If there isn't one for your child's condition, there is often a local group for parents of children with any kind of disability². It can be reassuring to talk to parents whose children have the same condition, and many organisations offer online forums or message boards, which may suit you if getting out is hard⁵.

Parents describe peer support as giving them a shared identity, a chance to learn from others, personal growth and a way to support others⁶. How much it measurably changes outcomes is less clear, because the quantitative results are inconsistent⁶.

Respite is valued as a chance to take a break and look after your own needs or those of your other children, though availability can be limited³. Local councils may offer short breaks run by outside organisations, from a couple of hours to overnight, based on your family's needs⁷. Ask your local council or health services what is offered and how it is assessed, as the details differ by area and country. If you get a break, you might use some of it for time together as a couple.