Becoming parents as a couple

Talk first, then plan. Health guidance puts talking to each other at the top of the list, and one way to do it is to take turns explaining how you feel without interrupting¹. Share the joys and achievements as well as the doubts, worries and frustrations, and be curious about how your partner feels². Both of you have things to process during a pregnancy, including worries about the future². It also helps to talk about what kind of relationship you both want as parents².

Then get practical. Agree before the birth who will do what in the early days and how you'll cope together¹. The plan is a shared one between equals, so neither of you is doing the other a favour. Expect it to need tweaking: once the baby arrives, the split can shift, so pencil in a check-in a few weeks after the birth and see how it feels to each of you.

One thing not to lean on is a childbirth class for partners. It hasn't been shown to protect the couple relationship³, so it's no substitute for your own conversations. A class may well be useful for other reasons.

Because a baby changes almost everything at once, and many couples feel it. Satisfaction tends to fall across the move to parenthood⁴, and some estimates suggest nearly seven in ten couples see a sharp fall in romantic satisfaction and more conflict after a first child⁵. It isn't the same for everyone. Many couples find the relationship is enriched and becomes a great source of strength, while for others tiredness and stress make them distant and withdrawn². A dip is common, not a sign that something is wrong with you as a couple.

Two things tend to go along with it. The first is sleep. In weeks three to eight after the birth, mothers and fathers have more disturbed sleep, lower sleep efficiency and more sleepiness than couples without children⁶, and sleep loss is considered one contributor to the dip⁴. That's a link, not a proven cause. The second is workload. In highly educated dual-earner couples in the US, women's total work rose by about 3 hours a day across the transition to parenthood, compared with about 40 minutes a day for men, on average⁷.

What to try: make regular time together as a couple without the baby, even if it's short². Share sleep, housework and parenting tasks, and ask each other whether the split feels fair². And be kind, especially when you're both tired.

Take turns, and agree the rota before you're too tired to negotiate. Health guidance suggests taking turns on night feeds with a partner or support person⁸. Plan together how you'll both get as much rest as you can, and accept that you may both get a bit snappy¹. Nobody has ever won an argument at 3am, so a plan made in daylight helps.

Here are some ways to split it:

• Formula feeding: you can share the feeds⁹.
• Breastfeeding: the other parent can take nappies or morning dressing so the feeding parent can go back to sleep⁹.
• Once breastfeeding is established: the other parent could occasionally give a bottle of expressed milk at night⁹. A lactation consultant can talk you through expressing⁸.

No one split has been shown to be best, so try one, see how you both feel, and swap if one of you is struggling. When the baby sleeps, rest can matter more than catching up on chores, and an alarm helps if you're worried about oversleeping⁹. Even lying down to read or listen to music can help your body recharge⁸.

Sleep matters for more than mood: poor sleep after a birth is strongly linked with postnatal depression¹⁰, so protecting both your rests is worth the effort.

The signs include low mood, finding it hard to enjoy anything, feeling hopeless or unable to cope, guilt or feeling worthless, anxiety or worrying all the time, restlessness or irritability, trouble concentrating or deciding, difficulty bonding with the baby, and poor sleep even when you have the chance to rest¹¹. A sad, anxious or empty mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks is a common sign¹². Those lists describe mothers. Most new parents have some of these feelings now and then; it's when they persist that it may be postnatal depression¹³.

Depression and anxiety during pregnancy and after a baby arrives are common and treatable, and can affect either parent, including a partner who didn't give birth. Postnatal depression is more common in men who have been depressed before or whose partners are depressed¹³.

What to try:

• Notice whether low mood, worry, irritability or poor sleep keeps going rather than coming and going, in yourself or your partner.
• Tell your partner what you've noticed, kindly and without blame, and encourage getting help from a doctor or other health professional.
• Don't assume it's only the parent who gave birth who can be affected.