Deciding about children

Together, and with more than a list of pros and cons. How a couple's story goes is easier to predict when both partners' views are counted, not just one person's¹. In heterosexual couples in the US, the odds of having a baby within 3 years were higher if either partner intended one, and substantially higher when both did².

The things couples weigh are mostly ordinary ones:

• The relationship. Positive partnership quality is linked with wanting a child, and a stable partnership matters for whether those intentions are carried out. Whether a couple is cohabiting or married matters especially for women, on average³.
• Housework. How home chores and childcare are shared plays a part. On average, women's satisfaction with the chore split raises the chance they'll agree to have a child³.
• Freedom and time. Worry about losing freedom, leisure time and travel leads some couples to delay³.
• The people around you. Childless couples tend to be put off by peers who have two or more children³.

It also helps to check you mean the same thing by "soon". Some people don't plan timing at all, and wishes shift, so a rigid plan may not suit both of you. Nobody's "someday" is quite the same length.

Mostly by talking, and early. Among young couples, communication was the common tool for making decisions about their reproductive lives together, and where intentions didn't line up, it was mostly down to relationship difficulties, particularly poor communication⁴. So say what you each want, clearly, rather than hoping your partner can tell.

For contraception, health information advises raising it with a new partner before having sex, so you can choose a method that works for you. The choice might be an individual one or one you make together. Because contraception affects you both, you're both responsible for it⁵. Among young men, talking with a partner about contraception has been linked with greater use of methods other than condoms, though that evidence is small and the measures vary⁶.

It's worth asking each other whether planning timing feels meaningful before you build a plan around it. For some people it doesn't, for example because of a belief in fate⁷.

Some contraceptive options aren't suitable for everyone, so a doctor can talk through the ones that suit your health.

It doesn't always end the same way. Among Australian couples, half of those who disagreed about a first child had one, while disagreement about a second or later child more often prevented a birth¹. In Sweden, 44% of couples who both definitely planned another child had one within two years. That compares with 6% of couples with opposing plans, and under 2% where neither planned another child⁸.

Who tends to prevail isn't settled. In the Swedish couples, either partner could effectively veto further childbearing, and disagreements were equally likely to be resolved in favour of the woman as the man⁸. In another couple study, husbands' and wives' intentions influenced births with about equal force⁹. So don't assume the outcome will go one particular way.

What tends to help is plain talk: say what you each want, rather than assuming your partner knows or agrees. Treat an early disagreement as a starting point for conversation. If you keep going round in circles, outside support is a sensible next step.

One caution. Pressure to have, or not have, a child can sometimes be about control. Reproductive coercion means deliberate behaviour meant to control whether a partner becomes pregnant or continues a pregnancy, such as sabotaging birth control, and it often occurs alongside intimate partner violence^10,11. If pressure comes with fear, threats or control, that's a safety issue, not a disagreement to work out together, and specialist support is more appropriate.