Fertility problems and pregnancy loss

Infertility is deeply stressful for both partners, and it tends to weigh on each person's wellbeing and on their sex life¹. Its effect on the relationship as a whole varies from couple to couple.

Treatment adds its own pressure: physical, emotional, financial and time demands, difficulty keeping intimacy alive, and feeling cut off from friends who have children². Men with male-factor infertility often report lower quality of life and more stress, because it can feel like a threat to masculinity and virility².

Strain can also come from inside the couple. One of you may care far more about having a baby than the other, and some people feel guilty about being "responsible" for the infertility³. Treatment can put most of the attention and burden on one partner³. Yet many people say going through it together made them stronger³, and some partners describe mutual support and better communication that deepened their bond⁴. Some relationships do break down under the strain³.

A few things you can try:

• Talk openly about how each of you is coping. Differences in priorities and in handling loss are common and don't mean something is wrong.
• Notice who carries the treatment load, and look for ways to share the involvement and the burden.
• Make time for closeness that isn't about conceiving.
• If guilt or blame comes up, say out loud that you value each other for who you are, not only for the chance of a child.

Start by making room to talk about the loss together, and expect that you may not grieve in the same way or at the same pace. Partners can grieve differently: some men report less intense reactions and say their partners grieved more intensely than they did⁵. When grieving styles don't match, it can cause conflict or strain. Men describe couples who learned to navigate each other's grief ending up with a stronger relationship⁵.

If one of you tends to stay strong or stay quiet, say so. Many men feel they have to be "strong" and hide their grief, which can get in the way of grieving and of asking for support⁵. Many also feel their own loss comes second to their partner's physical and emotional experience, as "an observer on the sidelines"⁶. Agree that both partners' grief counts.

Some partners do have lasting distress, including post-traumatic stress, anxiety and low mood, though far less often than the people who physically went through the loss⁷.

Health service guidance suggests talking to your partner, family or friends about how you feel⁸, and patient information says not to be afraid to express your feelings and concerns⁹. Men also say they want practical information on how best to support their partner, alongside ways to recognise and manage their own grief⁵. Look for support aimed at partners too.