Caring for ageing parents together

Often not evenly, and it's worth noticing early. Nobody hands you a rota. In research on couples caring for parents and parents-in-law, daughters-in-law often take direct responsibility, while sons-in-law's caregiving depends more on their wives' involvement¹. On average, women do most intergenerational caregiving, and are more likely than men to feel guilt if they don't provide it². That's an average, not a verdict on you two: your couple may look nothing like it.

What seems to matter is fairness. In middle-aged couples, the total amount of support given to parents wasn't linked to marital satisfaction, but unequal involvement between partners was. A partner who gave more to their own parents than the other did reported lower satisfaction, whether husband or wife³.

Some ways to share it out:

• Talk through who does what for each set of parents, and check whether one of you is carrying much more than the other.
• Ask what kind of support would help most: listening, covering a task, or coming along to appointments. Offer it without taking over.
• Make a list of other relatives, friends or neighbours who could take on specific tasks, and ask them directly. People caring for an ill partner often found that seeking support from family, friends and neighbours eased the burden by creating a sense of shared responsibility⁴.
• Look at home care. Formal home care helped with everyday needs such as dressing and taking medication⁴. Your local council or local carer's centre can tell you about support and breaks near you⁵.

Mostly through stress, uneven effort and a lack of backing from a partner, rather than the sheer amount of care. In middle-aged couples, unequal involvement with parents was linked to lower marital satisfaction³. Women in different-sex couples caring for a parent often describe a partner's lack of support as adding to relationship stress and personal distress, while gay and lesbian spouses tended to give intensive time and emotional support to a partner who was caring for a parent². Among wives caring for disabled older parents, satisfaction on average held steady over a year; where it dipped, it was tied to husbands being emotionally unsupportive or getting in the way of the caring⁶. These are links, not proven causes.

So partner support looks like the thing that protects. Caring can also bring people closer: in older couples where one partner is ill, taking on care can deepen connection and purpose⁴. But those carers also risked isolation and weaker give-and-take, and coped by looking after themselves, keeping meaningful activities going and keeping relationships beyond caring⁴.

A few things to try:

• Check in about how supported each of you feels, not only about who did what.
• If one of you is doing more for their own parents, talk about rebalancing: perhaps the other takes on practical tasks or gives emotional backing.
• Keep some time for yourselves and for friends and activities outside caring.
• Draw in others so the caring doesn't sit only with the two of you.

Caring is demanding. If you feel stressed or overwhelmed, talking to a doctor, a counsellor, other carers or a friend can help.