In-laws and family boundaries

Start with the two of you, then be clear and kind with family. Trouble with in-laws often involves poor distance or boundary regulation, jealousy and mismatched ideas about roles¹. It sometimes reflects real clashes between generations, but it often reflects the couple's own dynamics¹. So the first conversation is usually yours, not theirs: tell each other what's bothering you, especially if you're feeling resentful or upset².

Then, with family, one way is:

• Say plainly what you want. Be clear about the kind of help or contact you'd like, rather than going along with what's offered and feeling resentful².
• Start with how you feel. "I'd love a heads-up before you drop by" lands better than "you always turn up." 'You' statements often sound like accusations, while 'I' statements let you be assertive without blaming³. Asking "what" questions rather than "why" ones can also keep people from getting defensive³.
• Listen, then negotiate. Pay attention to their point of view, check you've understood by asking questions, and negotiate instead of arguing to win⁴.

It's worth the effort. Contact with in-laws, the support they give and conflict with them can affect a couple's life⁵, and in married couples, conflict with a mother-in-law is linked with poorer marital satisfaction⁶. If your feelings about your in-laws are a bit mixed, you're in good company: adult children tend to feel more mixed feelings toward in-laws than toward their own parents⁷.

Listen, thank them for caring, and keep the decision yours. Advice is double-edged: it can be meant as helpful and caring, yet land as butting in, and people reserve the right to make their own choices⁸. Among young adults and their parents, more advice isn't better, especially when nobody asked for it⁹.

Some ways to handle it:

• Cool off first. If you're too irritated to talk calmly, pause and come back to it later; conflict escalates when people are too angry to listen⁴.
• Let them finish. Don't interrupt, and check you've understood what's being offered.
• Stay on the topic. Resist dragging in old, unrelated grievances⁴.
• Speak about your own side. "I'd rather we handle this our way" keeps things less defensive than criticising the advice³.
• Be willing to agree to disagree. Communicating positively usually ends in a compromise or in agreeing to disagree⁴.

It also helps to talk as a couple, away from the family, about which advice you'll take, which you'll leave, and who says what. You might even find some of it is quite good. Occasionally.

As involved as the two of you agree on, and no ideal level has been pinned down. Grandparents in industrialised societies invest a lot of time and money in their grandchildren¹⁰. Where a family is under real strain, such as teenage pregnancy or maternal depression, grandparent support can help protect children and grandchildren¹⁰.

Feelings about it vary. After a baby arrives, some people feel their own parents are taking over, while others resent that their parents don't help more². So start with a private chat: how much contact, help and say do you each want family to have, and what would you like to keep for yourselves?

Then tell relatives specifically which help is welcome, and which isn't, rather than leaving them to guess². If you have children, you may not agree on discipline and attitudes; sort that out between you, not in front of the child, then agree a shared approach². Once you both understand each other's views, you can come up with lots of options and pick a solution together⁴.

And check in now and then, because needs change. An occasional disagreement is normal, but ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships, so don't let a recurring dispute run on unaddressed⁴.

Decide together which expectations matter and which you can let go, then answer the rest kindly and honestly. Clashing expectations often come down to mismatched role expectations and boundary issues, sometimes with the couple's own dynamics mixed in¹.

One way through:

• Agree with your partner first. Which expectations (the holiday routine, the weekly dinner, who calls whom) really matter to you, and which could you happily live with?
• Say what you can do, and what you can't. Use 'I' statements: "We can't manage every Sunday, but we'd love to come on the first one of the month."
• Listen to the reasons behind it. Check you've understood, and keep the problem separate from the person⁴.
• Look for a compromise, or accept that you may agree to disagree⁴.

It's also fine if the answer is simply "no, thank you", said warmly. If you're being clear about what you want rather than quietly going along with things, there's less room for resentment to build².

Use them to add to time together, not replace it, and agree between you how much contact suits you. Family chat groups work best as a complement to face-to-face contact, since heavy digital use can crowd out in-person time¹¹. They do have a lovely side: sharing photos helps family members stay connected across distance and generations¹¹.

A few practical tips:

• Video calls with children: keep early calls short and let them run longer only if the child's attention holds, which also saves relatives from disappointment when little ones get restless¹².
• Set the scene: tidy the clutter behind you and cut distracting noise¹².
• Check before reacting. Text is easy to misread, and nonverbal cues get lost¹³. Ask what someone meant before replying, and consider a call for anything sensitive.
• Talk to your partner about how often and how you each want to be in touch with family. No standard frequency has been set, so it's yours to agree.