Jump to a section
At a glance
- Be a team first: treat the problem as something you two tackle together, not a contest between you.
- Listen before you answer, calmly and without judging, to your partner and to the relative.
- Separate the problem from the person, so no one gets cast as the villain of the family story.
- Try "I" statements: they describe how you feel without blaming anyone.
- Listening isn't agreeing: you can hear a relative out without picking their side.
How do you back each other up in a family conflict?
Treat it as a problem you're solving together, not a match with you on one side and your partner on the other. The first move is simple: listen to each other calmly and without judging, and say what you think and feel openly and respectfully, even when the subject is awkward (the seating plan, the loan, the comment at the barbecue)1.
Then negotiate like a team. Separate the problem from the person, ask whether the issue is really worth fighting over, look for common ground, be willing to compromise, and be ready to agree to disagree1.
"I" statements help here. "I felt left out when plans were made without us" tends to land better than "You always leave us out", because "you" statements often sound like an accusation and make the listener defensive2.
If the two of you keep going round the same argument, try letting go of who's right. Moving past the urge to win, and building new ways of settling disagreements, may help more than winning ever would3. It matters beyond the moment, too: how each of you tends to handle conflict is thought to affect how well family conflicts get resolved4.
These are sensible starting points rather than a proven method, so adjust them to suit your family.
What do you do if you're asked to take sides?
You can listen without taking a side. Hearing a relative out calmly and respectfully doesn't mean you agree with them, and it doesn't mean you're choosing them over your partner1.
A few things to try:
- Keep the problem separate from the person. "I can hear this really matters to you" is a different sentence from "you're right about my partner"1.
- Look for common ground. There's usually something you both want, even if it's just a calmer family dinner1.
- Be willing to agree to disagree. It's allowed to leave a question open1.
- Say how it feels, not what they've done wrong. "I don't like being put in the middle" is easier to hear than "you're putting me in the middle"2.
It's worth taking seriously, because in-laws can be a sore spot. In intercultural married couples, most challenges were managed without lowering marital satisfaction, but in-law challenges were the exception5. So have a quick chat with each other before you reply to anyone, and agree the line you'll both stand behind.
When to get more help
Sometimes a family disagreement is harder to shift on your own.
If things feel stuck, or the same hurt keeps coming back, a qualified couples counsellor can help, and a relationship counselling service near you can help you find one.
Common questions
Should we talk privately before responding to relatives?
It often helps. A few minutes to compare what each of you thinks, and what you'd like to say, means you're not working it out live in front of the relative. Listen to each other without judging first, then agree a rough plan. You don't need a script: a sentence or two you're both comfortable with is plenty.
What if my partner and I disagree about how to handle a relative?
Start by asking whether the issue is worth fighting over. If it is, look for common ground, be willing to compromise, and be ready to agree to disagree on the rest. Talk about the problem rather than about your partner's family, and use "I" statements so neither of you feels blamed.
How do we set boundaries with in-laws together?
Talk it through between you first, so you're describing the same limit. Then say what you'd like calmly and respectfully, using "I" statements, for example "We're not up for discussing this at dinner." A boundary works best when both of you hold it, whichever side of the family the relative is on.
Sources
- 1.Family and relationship concernsWestern Sydney University
- 2.Reducing Parental Conflictthehub.bathnes.gov.uk
- 3.Is couples counselling right for me and will the therapist take sides? An expert explainsvu.edu.au · 2026
- 4.Choice of behavior strategies for spouses in resolving family conflictsOliinyk · Humanitarian Studios Pedagogics Psychology Philosophy · 2021
- 5.In-Laws, Communication, and Other Frustrations: The Challenges of Intercultural MarriagesMachette and Cionea · Interpersona An International Journal on Personal Relationships · 2023
Not reviewed yet
Related guides
- GuideTestCaring for ageing parents togetherCouples rarely share parent care perfectly evenly, and fairness tends to matter more than the total amount of care. Talk about who does what for each set of parents, ask how supported each of you feels, and bring in other family, friends and local services.
- GuideTestHolidays and splitting time between familiesThere's no single best way to split holidays, so decide together, early, and write down what you agree. Each say what matters most, list the options and be ready to compromise. Blend traditions by keeping some from each side, adding one of your own, and making room for missing old ones.
- GuideTestIn-laws and family boundariesStart with each other: talk through what bothers you each, then tell family plainly what help, contact and advice you'd welcome. Listen to their side, use 'I' statements, and aim for a compromise or for agreeing to disagree. Keep chats and calls as a supplement to time in person.
Read next
ArticleFamily & ParentingWhen Your Partner's Family Drives You NutsYou fell in love with your partner. You didn't necessarily sign up for their family. But here we are.
ArticleFamily & ParentingThe Holiday Hostage SituationWhere are we spending Christmas? It's a question that has derailed more conversations than any other. The holiday hostage situation is real.This guide is general information about relationships, not counseling or therapy, and not advice about your own situation.