Healthy relationship or controlling behaviour?

A healthy relationship feels safe, kind and supportive: you trust and respect each other and can speak honestly, even when you don't agree¹. Ordinary ups and downs and differing opinions are normal.

Some signs to look for:

• You can raise a problem without fear. No one makes threats about what will happen if they don't get their way².
• Differences are respected. You value each other's opinions even when they differ, and you support each other's ambitions³.
• Effort is equal. Both of you put in the same effort, and neither person's needs count for more than the other's².
• You have time together and apart. You enjoy both, alone or with friends and family, and you support each other's hobbies, interests and other relationships².
• Talking is open and calm. Each of you listens, shows empathy and isn't defensive, and you feel respected, never threatened⁴.
• Sex is by mutual wish. Sexual contact happens only when both people want it³.

Don't use this list as a score. Subtle controlling behaviour can be hard to spot, and behaviour that has become normal may not look like abuse. Control, manipulation, abuse or violence are never part of a healthy relationship, however normal they feel.

A simple check: can you disagree with your partner, or bring up a problem, without being scared of how they'll react? If the answer is no, or you're unsure, take that seriously.

Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of domination, intimidation, isolation and control used to keep power over another person⁵. It is a form of family and domestic violence, and it can happen without any physical violence.

It is different from an occasional heated argument. Arguments that flare up in the moment, and are often mutual, are one thing; an enduring pattern of domination and control is another⁶. Psychological abuse sits on a continuum, from yelling and insults through to control and isolation⁷.

Control can look like:

• monitoring someone's movements, or cutting them off from friends and family;
• controlling money, such as withholding it, running up debt in their name, stopping them from working, or demanding to see every purchase;
• restricting access to work, education or medical care⁶;
• threats to hurt or kill the person, their children or their pets⁶;
• belittling and blaming, or monitoring social media and tracking location⁸.

This isn't a communication problem for a couple to fix. Couples counselling isn't recommended where one partner is abusive or controlling, or where either partner is afraid. Confidential support for the person at risk is the safer first step.

Coercive control is linked with worse mental health than situational psychological abuse⁶. That is an association, and it doesn't prove cause.

Look for the pattern, not one incident. If you're unsure whether what's happening is abuse, a confidential specialist support service can talk it through with you.

When the feeling turns into behaviour that restricts the other person. Jealousy is a common emotion that responds to a real or perceived threat to the relationship⁹. Having the feeling isn't abuse. Checking, tracking, restricting or punishing is where the concern lies.

Behaviours that point to control include:

• constantly calling or texting when you're out, staying close or watching who you speak to⁵;
• wanting to know where you are at all times, and getting angry if you don't say where you're going and who you're seeing⁴;
• controlling your activities, what you wear or your contact with friends and family⁵;
• reading your emails, texts or letters, or following you⁸;
• jealous and possessive accusations¹⁰.

Another sign is seeming scared of a partner, or always trying to please or calm them⁵.

Try asking: can I see my friends, keep my phone and messages private, and go out without being questioned or facing anger? In a healthy relationship you enjoy time together and apart, and your partner supports your other relationships².

Jealousy and controlling behaviour are each linked with perpetrating partner violence, though a link doesn't mean jealousy causes abuse¹¹. There's no exact point at which ordinary jealousy tips into control, and warning-sign lists are prompts to think, not a verdict. If a pattern of watching, restricting or frightening has set in, treat it as a safety matter, as described below.

Being afraid of a partner, or being hurt, threatened, watched or controlled by them, isn't a normal relationship problem or a communication issue. It's abuse, and confidential support is available.

If you're in danger now, call your local emergency number and ask for police¹². Don't wait for things to get worse.

If you're not in immediate danger, you can talk to someone you trust or contact a specialist support service, even if you're unsure and just want advice². Some services can be contacted anonymously, without saying who you are¹³.

Some things to think about:

• Make a safety plan with a specialist service. It can cover how you'd get away, transport, childcare, appointments, a safe place to stay, and where your important documents are⁵.
• Plan any leaving carefully. The risk of injury or death is greatest when leaving or shortly afterwards, so plan it with specialist advice rather than leaving suddenly where you can avoid it^5,10.
• Think about your devices. A partner who controls you may be able to see a shared phone, app or browser history, and reading texts or tracking are listed as warning signs of abuse⁸. Contacting services online may be less private than it seems, so consider using a device your partner can't reach and that you trust.
• Know that support helps. Advocacy, including informal counselling and help with safety planning, may reduce abuse and improve access to services for women who have experienced partner abuse¹⁴. Which safety strategies work best isn't clear yet, so advice fitted to your situation matters¹⁵.

Confidential support is available by phone and email, including services for women, for men and for LGBT+ people⁸.

Raise your concern privately, where their partner can't overhear, say what you've noticed, and listen without blaming or criticising.

Things you might have noticed: your friend seems scared of their partner or always tries to please or calm them, the partner constantly calls or texts, or controls their activities, dress or contact with others⁵. Being isolated, having money controlled and being stopped from working or studying are also warning signs⁸.

What tends to help:

• Ask open questions, then listen without interrupting.
• Say you believe them, that the abuse isn't their fault and that violence is never OK. Don't excuse the abuser by blaming alcohol, drugs or mental health.
• Leave decisions to them. They may not be ready to leave, or it may not be safe, so don't try to force them to do what you think is best⁵. Don't confront the abuser either.
• Offer information and practical help. You can offer to help with a safety plan with a specialist service⁵. Specialist services can be contacted anonymously, so you can ask for advice without saying who you are or who your friend is¹³. Some support lines are open 24 hours a day¹⁰.
• Keep supporting them even if they aren't ready to act, and look after your own wellbeing.

If you see an assault in progress, call your local emergency number, and don't assume someone else has¹⁰. If the abuser turns on you, get help from the police and don't put yourself at risk¹³.