Location sharing and checking up on each other

It can work, as long as it's a real choice for both of you. Sharing locations is healthy only when both partners choose it freely and either can stop at any time without pressure or punishment. Tracking a partner without their knowledge, or pressuring them to share, is a form of control.

Many couples do share. Romantic partners are the people adults most often share their location with, and the most common reason is practical: efficiency and managing tasks¹. Many people also find it convenient to give a partner access to their device, trusting them not to misuse it².

People differ on what feels normal, and most agree that access should be negotiated, mutual and consensual². Acceptance and comfort can also come apart: a partner may be fine with location sharing and still find extensive sharing intrusive³. The same sharing can mean commitment and trust to one person, and anxiety or suspicion to another³.

A few questions to ask yourselves:

• Does it feel convenient, or intrusive?
• Could either of you say no, or turn it off, without it becoming a row?
• Has each of you had the chance to raise concerns?

If the answers are uneasy, that's worth talking about, calmly and early.

When it's secret, one-way or demanded. Consent and mutuality are the clearest dividing line. A one-way tracking app that reports a partner's movements back to you is the kind of monitoring people find least acceptable, while a mutual couples' app gets significantly more approval².

Even agreed monitoring isn't automatically harmless. It can still lead to negative responses, because the motives behind monitoring are often anxiety, hurt or suspicion³.

The NHS lists monitoring a partner's social media, or using GPS locators to know where they are, without consent as a sign of emotional abuse. It also lists reading your emails or texts, following you, and being told what to wear, who to see and where to go⁴.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that takes away a partner's freedom, such as monitoring them, cutting them off from friends or family, controlling money, or making threats. It can happen without any physical violence. In abuse, monitoring through technology contributes to a loss of privacy, social isolation and less freedom to act⁵. Closely watching a partner's social contacts tends to be preceded by possessiveness, escalating suspicion, accusations of infidelity and fear that the partner will leave⁶.

Look at the pattern rather than any single act. Is the checking agreed, mutual and something either of you could stop? Or is it secret, one-way or demanded, and does it come with other controlling behaviour?

Being afraid of a partner, or being hurt, threatened, watched or controlled by them, isn't a normal relationship problem or a communication issue. It's abuse, and confidential support is available.

If you think a partner may be monitoring your phone, accounts or movements, get support before you change anything. Stalkerware and other digital surveillance can be hard to detect and risky to remove without help, and some abusers notice changes to passwords or settings⁷. Look into your options on a safe device, one the other person can't get to, or speak to a domestic abuse service first⁷. A partner may be able to see a shared phone, app or browser history, so use a device you trust when looking for help.

Turning off location tracking can help, but it can also raise the risk, for example if an abuser then turns up in person⁷. That's why specialist advice comes before changes to settings.

If you're thinking of leaving, be careful who you tell: the person abusing you must not know where you're going⁴. Before you go, try to get advice from an organisation that supports people in your situation⁴. If your partner is tracking your movements or likely to check your phone, the guidance suggests using a friend's phone or a cheap pre-paid phone to make arrangements, deleting your search history, and being aware of location settings⁷.

If sharing is consensual and you both feel safe, stopping is a conversation. In couples working through a breach of trust, privacy boundaries are renegotiated again and again⁸. A calm talk is a reasonable place to start: say what you need and agree what changes.