Jump to a section
At a glance
- Parenting keeps changing shape: the job moves from looking after to letting go, a little at a time.
- Teenagers need rules and room: the skill is telling which areas are which.
- Warm but firm works well: clear expectations, with respect for a teen's own thinking.
- Many couples feel closer once the children have left, though sadness and relief can arrive together.
- Enjoying your time together counts for more than clocking up hours.
How does parenting change as children grow?
As children grow, parenting shifts from supervising towards supporting their independence, and that shift is clearest in the teenage years. Teens experiment more and make more decisions with less adult supervision, so a central job for parents is to keep adapting how they care to the teen's changing wants and abilities1. Yesterday's bedtime rule becomes today's eye-roll, and that's part of the deal.
Over the course of adolescence, the balance tips gradually towards less supervision and more autonomy1. The trick is working out where rules, guidance and supervision are still needed and where your teen can be trusted to decide alone1. Both extremes carry risks. Too much independent decision-making is linked with more substance use and rule-breaking, while parenting that teens see as controlling or intrusive is also linked with problems1.
A style that works well is warm, firm and accepting of a teen's need to think for themselves2. The benefits of this approach tend to build up over time, through childhood and adolescence3. When you and your teen disagree, negotiating together, rather than simply imposing a decision, is linked with more trust and communication that stays open1.
Two things to try as a pair:
- Sort the areas of their life into groups: still needs clear rules, up for discussion, and theirs to decide.
- Treat general parenting advice as a starting point. It may not fit your particular child or family1.
How does a relationship change when the children leave home?
For many couples it gets better: in US studies, being in the empty nest is linked with higher marital closeness and happiness, and the lift appears strongest soon after the children leave4,5. These are patterns across many families, not predictions for yours.
The gain seems to come from how time together feels. In an 18-year study of middle-aged women, marital satisfaction rose after the children left because they enjoyed time with their partners more, not because they spent more time with them6. Among couples in Colombia, those who were satisfied felt more valued and cared for by being alone together. Those who had centred their marriage on the children found it hard to find each other again as a couple7.
It isn't all smooth. One study of Indian spouses found marital adjustment dipped at the launching and empty nest stages8. When the last child leaves, the end of parental duties can feel abrupt, with sudden changes to daily routines and some uncertainty about what comes next9. Less contact with your children can bring loneliness9, and many parents feel real grief when children move out, even if they find little sympathy for it10. Relief and sadness can sit side by side.
A few things that may help:
- Expect mixed feelings, and don't be surprised if you each have different ones. Talk about how it feels for each of you.
- Focus on enjoyment, not hours. One shared thing you both look forward to beats a full diary of obligations.
- If your relationship has mostly revolved around the children, give reconnecting time and patience. It may take deliberate effort.
Common questions
How much freedom should a teenager have?
There's no single right amount, because it depends on your teen and your family. A useful approach is to sort areas of their life: where clear rules and supervision are still needed, and where they can decide for themselves. Over the teenage years the balance usually shifts towards more independence. Too much freedom and too much control can both cause trouble.
What is empty nest grief and is it normal?
It's the sadness many parents feel when their children move out, sometimes called empty nest syndrome. Feeling it is common, and it can arrive alongside relief or excitement. Losing daily routines and contact with your children can leave you feeling lonely for a while. Naming it, and talking about it with your partner or friends, is a good start.
What if one of us feels the empty nest harder than the other?
That's quite common, because partners can experience the change differently. Try asking each other open questions rather than assuming you feel the same: what do you miss, and what are you looking forward to? Neither reaction is wrong. Agreeing one small thing to do together can give you both something to look forward to.
Sources
- 1.Adapting to the changing needs of adolescents: parenting practices and challenges to sensitive attunementKobak and others · Current Opinion in Psychology · 2017
- 2.We Know Some Things: Parent–Adolescent Relationships in Retrospect and ProspectSteinberg · Journal of Research on Adolescence · 2001
- 3.We Know Even More Things: A Decade Review of Parenting ResearchMorris and others · Journal of Research on Adolescence · 2021
- 4.Empty Nest Status, Marital Closeness, and Perceived Health: Testing Couples' Direct and Moderated Associations with an Actor-Partner Interdependence ModelTracy, Putney and Papp · Family Journal · 2022
- 5.Emptying the Nest and Parental Well-Being: An Analysis of National Panel DataWhite and Edwards · American Sociological Review · 1990
Show all 10 sources
- 6.Contextualizing change in marital satisfaction during middle age: an 18-year longitudinal studyGorchoff, John and Helson · Psychological Science · 2008
- 7.Experiencias maritales en la etapa del nido vacÃoCabrera GarcÃa, Morales Acevedo and GuarÃn Ortega · Civilizar · 2023
- 8.Marital Adjustment Trend in Asian Indian FamiliesManyam and Victoria · Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy · 2014
- 9.Cultural contexts differentially shape parents' loneliness and wellbeing during the empty nest periodHartanto and others · Communications Psychology · 2024
- 10.Empty nest syndromeBetter Health Channel · 2001
Not reviewed yet
Related guides
- GuideTestBlended families and stepparentingBlended families tend to come together when the adults work as a team: agreeing rules and roles, keeping children out of adult disagreements, and making time for everyday talk. Early on, parents usually lead on rules while stepparents build their own bond. Closeness, including between step-siblings, takes time.
- GuideTestKeeping your relationship strong as parentsRelationships often get a little strained after children arrive, but small, regular habits help. Give each other a few moments of attention each day, share the load, and protect short breaks and time together. Choose things you both want to do, and don't wait for a perfect evening out.
- GuideTestParenting a child with additional needsPartners raising a child with additional needs tend to support each other through honest talk without judgement, by accepting that you may cope differently, and by sharing the load. Beyond the two of you, other parents, online forums and short breaks can help. Local options differ, so ask what's available near you.
Read next
ArticleFamily & ParentingWhen Your Partner's Family Drives You NutsYou fell in love with your partner. You didn't necessarily sign up for their family. But here we are.
ArticleFamily & ParentingThe Holiday Hostage SituationWhere are we spending Christmas? It's a question that has derailed more conversations than any other. The holiday hostage situation is real.This guide is general information about relationships, not counseling or therapy, and not advice about your own situation.