Talking about money

Plan it, rather than letting it ambush you. Couples tend to use more negative styles of talking when the subject is money than when it's other issues¹. That's partly because money so often stands for more than money: your way of life, your expectations, your dreams². It can leave both of you feeling a little touchy and vulnerable². So an argument about a receipt may really be about something much bigger.

Take comfort in this: disagreeing about money is very common, and almost everyone can recall a recent money disagreement with their partner³. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you two.

A few things to try:

• Make a date for it, the way you'd book any appointment, rather than raising it in a rush or mid-argument².
• Choose a comfortable place and give it enough time to talk and to listen².
• Say how you feel, such as "I felt worried when…", instead of starting with what your partner always or never does⁴.
• Check you've understood before you reply. Saying back what you heard is a simple way to do it⁴.
• Take a break if either of you gets agitated or upset, and come back to it².

It can also help to ask yourself whether a deeper worry about fairness or irresponsibility is colouring how you see one particular disagreement³. And if you never seem to reach a satisfactory resolution, practical professional help is worth considering².

Then you're in good company, though it's worth talking about. Savers and spenders often end up together. In married couples, bigger gaps between partners in saving versus spending are linked with more money conflict and lower marital well-being, even after accounting for household savings and credit card debt⁵. Partners who see their financial values and goals as similar tend to be more satisfied with the relationship³. How your partner's habits come across seems to matter too: feeling that your partner is overly focused on money appears to hurt a relationship more than their actual focus does⁶.

A good first step is working out where your styles come from. Everyone has different experiences with money, so try sharing how your parents handled it and how you each approach spending and saving². Talking about it early helps you understand how each of you thinks and makes decisions¹⁰.

Then aim to decide together:

• Make the big decisions jointly. Married couples who make financial decisions, plan and budget together tend to be more satisfied⁷, and spending decisions made alone by either partner are linked with lower satisfaction with family life⁸.
• Agree the practicalities: who handles which bills, when you'd expect to check with each other before spending, and whether some money is just for one of you².
• Make room for differences rather than trying to decide who's right².

What about joint versus separate accounts? Joint management with a joint account has been linked with fewer money problems than one partner running things with separate accounts⁹. But that compares who holds control as well as the account type, so the safer lesson is to decide together, however you set things up.

Mostly open, though you don't have to hand over every detail on day one. Married people tend to be more satisfied when their partner is more financially transparent⁷. Over a month, hiding financial information went with falling financial harmony, and so did snooping on a partner's finances¹¹. Secrecy and snooping also tended to feed each other¹¹. Hiding money matters is more common than you might think: estimates for married people run from 40 to 60% in national samples¹². Common doesn't mean helpful, though.

These findings are associations, mostly from married couples. They show openness goes with higher satisfaction, not that it causes it, and they don't say how much private spending money is healthy.

Here's a gentle way to build up:

• Start with easy topics: how you each like to spend and save, what you value financially, and how you like to manage bills¹⁰.
• Share the bigger picture as the relationship grows: income, regular expenses, assets, investments, debts and loans¹⁰.
• Agree your check-in rules: how much you each expect to check with the other before spending, and whether any money is kept for one person². Then private spending is something you've agreed, not something hidden.

The line to watch is the one researchers call financial infidelity: doing something with money you expect your partner would disapprove of, and deliberately not telling them¹³. Agreed personal money is not that.