Work stress at home

Mostly through mood and behaviour. Stress can make a person irritable and snappy¹, and work-related stress can bring feelings of withdrawal, lost motivation, or being more tearful, sensitive or aggressive². Some people start avoiding family and social plans³. So the person who was fine at 5pm is answering "fine." in a flat voice by 6.

Bad mood looks like a key link. In a daily study of wives' anger at their partners, workload stopped predicting that anger once mood was taken into account⁴. In other words, it may not be the workload itself landing on your partner so much as the mood it leaves behind.

Withdrawal can add its own strain. Among partners of emergency responders, emotional withdrawal by either partner was linked with worse wellbeing for the other and more tension in the relationship⁵. Burnout, which is physical and emotional exhaustion, can affect relationships too². And couples who already argue a lot may be more vulnerable to job stress changing how they treat each other⁴.

A few things to try:

• Notice early changes in yourself, such as snappiness or ducking out of plans, and tell your partner what's going on rather than leaving them to guess.
• Pick a regular time to check in about how work is going and what each of you needs.
• Agree on a pause button. If a conversation heats up, stop and come back when you can both talk calmly.
• Talk problems through with someone you trust, as well as your partner.

It can. Job demands and strain tend to pass from the person doing the job to their partner, and can affect the partner's psychological and physical health⁶. When workplace traumatic stress passes between partners, it's partly explained by a worse-quality relationship, such as a heavier burden of providing support and more undermining behaviour⁷. For remote workers and their spouses, the worker's conflict between work and family was linked with the spouse thinking about divorce⁸.

There's a quieter route too. Partners of emergency responders often hid their own needs, avoided conflict and took on extra responsibilities to balance the stress at home. That may calm things in the short term, but it put a heavy emotional burden on them and harmed their wellbeing⁵.

The more hopeful finding: among career professionals during COVID-19, handling stress together as a couple was linked with less conflict between work and family and with more relationship satisfaction⁹.

Some ways to try that:

• Talk about stress as something you're handling together, not one person's private problem.
• Decide what you can offer, such as listening or practical help, and keep time for your own interests.
• Keep checking in. Supporting someone doesn't mean solving their problems for them.
• Share the household load openly rather than quietly absorbing extra jobs to keep the peace.

If supporting your partner is wearing you down, or stress or burnout is affecting daily life or how either of you feels, talk to a doctor. You don't have to manage it alone.