Moving house or city

Together, and in advance, so that no job wins just because it arrived first. Start with an open, honest conversation about the options and what would work for both of you. That turns "one of us following the other" into a shared opportunity¹.

Then get practical. Who will work? How long will you stay? Who will look after any children? The more of the future life you talk through, the easier the move tends to become². And resist the urge to sugar-coat it: if doubts only surface at the trickiest stage, it's much harder to bring everyone along².

The main thing to weigh is what the move costs the partner who follows. Relocation tends to bring more uncertainty for the employee's partner, who is more likely to end up giving up their own job or career³. Before a move, accompanying partners worry most about family stress and disruption to their careers; afterwards they often have to start again, while the partner who moved for the job keeps their stability⁴.

In past migration research on married different-sex couples in the US, wives' earnings typically fell with a move while husbands' often rose⁵. That gap was substantially smaller among people who rejected traditional ideas about husbands' and wives' roles⁶. It's an average, not a script for the two of you.

So ask each other what the move would cost your career and what would make it work. Look at the new area's industries and local job sites, and whether remote work could be an option¹. For tax, pensions, visas, work rights or contracts, get qualified financial or legal advice.

Go in with realistic expectations, then keep looking after each other once you're there. Before the move, talk through the likely challenges: jobs, money, friendships and admin. That helps you set realistic expectations and support each other⁴, and settling in tends to be easier when expectations are closest to reality³.

Some stresses don't fade by themselves. Stress about a partner's career, disrupted social networks and navigating a new culture or language stayed steady over time in relocating couples⁴. So keep checking in rather than assuming it will sort itself out. The first and best way to find out how someone is coping is simply to ask, and it's worth regularly asking whether you're both happy with the new life².

Build the social side together. Meeting locals and other newcomers, and joining clubs or groups that match your interests, is described as one of the best ways to beat homesickness⁷.

Look out for the partner who follows. They can feel "out on a limb" while the partner at work is absorbed in the new job³, and they may lack professional and social resources, so their own support matters⁴. If you're the one at work, protect some time for them.

Give it time. It takes at least a year to feel integrated, and a clash between excitement for the new life and nostalgia for the old one early on is normal². Feeling anxious, lonely or low after a move is common^2,7. If either of you feels that way, talk to a professional rather than waiting².